30 before 30: Qualify for New York Marathon

I didn't qualify today. I did not come close, but I feel ever so proud of myself and my running journey. 

September 23, 2012 marked the one year anniversary of completely rupturing my achillie's tendon while playing squash. Today I ran The Goodlife Fitness Victoria Marathon!! I finished in 4 hours, 11 minutes and 18 seconds. I got 38 out of 129 in my category and was the 264th female to cross the line out of 837 awesome women. I was hoping to be under 4 hours, but I must say I feel pretty proud of myself today, and must keep in mind back in May I couldn't run longer than 1 and a half minutes. 

It was mentally challenging, and I have more blisters on my feet than I wished for, and my legs are so sore I might become stuck on the toilet later. :) 

18 weeks of training to get here:

 Before the start of the race. Rockin' my awesome sweats!

Feeling awesome. 

 Good friend Justin and I. Our future is so bright we need sunglasses! Thankful for his love of running too. I need more insane friends in my life.

Sweaty shirt, and medal. awe-yeah! Good day 

30 before 30 Spreading Jim in the Tombstones

I actually hiked and spread Jimmy on July 1, 2012. Two months ago... I am getting really bad at posting. Sorry. 

I was all alone out here. 

Could never grow tired of these mountains.

I dug a hole and put her ashes in the ground here. E.M.O.T.I.O.N.A.L! 

I smile.

I haven't had a computer since Sunday! I'm going crazy! 

This has been my week: 

 

Ekk! The new roommate arrived. (I know, creepy taking a picture of a stranger's shoes..)

 

Lovely sunny mornings and my walk with the dogs.

 Luna enjoys the rain. As do I.

 

My new running shoes! It's harder than you imagine! 

But really, I think they will be worth it. 

 

 

I'm doing some physio for my busted finger. Finally. 5 x a day for 10 minutes.It's painful. 

I hope your week has been a gas. :) 

 

God takes the good ones

Yesterday I woke up to some awful news: I had lost a friend to cancer.

29 years old.


It's sad that it takes a death of a loved one to make me reassess my own life, and evaluate relationships.

To celebrate my friend, I'm going to allow myself to say no to things I don't really want to do; take more precious moments to drink tea and sit on the deck; and walk longer with the dogs when I need more alone time. In ways it's sad that I've allowed my life to become full of obligations: committees and organizations to sit-in on, groups, fundraising events, volunteering with my church, and other ridiculous things I've signed up for because I felt I might make a difference, or it could improve my quality of life in one way or another. But the truth is, it hasn't and they won't. The truth is, I am just busy and not very happy.

Tabby was always happy. Even when she was fighting with cancer she still smiled a genuine smile. She was brilliant. I used to try and score better on assignments than her, but could never. She was strong. I've never met a woman more strong or emotionally stable than her. She was the woman you would find yourself opening up to, sharing every detail with as you knew that she would never judge you, or share your words with anyone else. She was elegant and grace-filled. You'd never see her with mustard on her sleeve, or dirt under her nails, but she was never a high-maintence kind of girl either. Just naturally beautiful. I only hope she knew how loved, and admired she is.


It's hard to understand: His plans, the reason He takes the good ones from us so soon. But, I must trust in Him.

Lately:

I think I just allowed the biggest, burliest, tattooed dude to live in my basement for the summer. Oh please God, don't let him be some kind of psycho killer!

I've been doing yoga and drinking too much beer.

Listening to a lot of hip-hop and classical music. I don't get it either.

Loving my time with Shannon. Dang woman, you're a good listener. Thanks for the perspective.

Eating a lot of take-out and cooking zero. It's depressing to cook for one. Never been good at it. Out-of-the-pot-and-over-the-sink has never been my thing... Yes, that's how I eat when I am alone. Tables with empty chairs depress me.

Being told to keep going over chicken fingers and messy sandwiches. I don't take that lightly, it is easy to crumble and stay there. Thank you.

Sleeping not very much. Constantly having nightmares. Last night a fellow high-school student shot me in the head. People in the street didn't care I was dying.

Walking a lot with Luna. Enjoying the spring smells.

Planning to move.

Asked to job shadow under a caterer here. I don't even care if I get paid!

Reading Born to Run. I'm glad I took a third attempt at it. Also a book on how to make friends. As I have none. And I probably need them

Creating a summer bucket list. It's going to be an action packed last summer here. 

Telling myself, "I just have to adjust to life without him, and that I will be okay." Adapting to an adverse situation. I could have cancer or no legs. This should be easier.

Trying to be grateful. Failing at it.

Forcing myself to focus on me, and my goals for a change.

Learning to let go of the past. It has always been a challenge.

Fixing my house to sell it in June.

If I've missed telling you that I was leaving in the fall, I am sorry that this is how you found out.

Much love, dear friends.

My life:

I try to do everything, to please everyone.
I try to bend myself into things I am not. Things I want to be, but am not.
I try to regularly attend book clubs, bible study, volunteer for organizations and committees, give back more than I take.
I try to be a good friend, a loyal and encouraging girlfriend, a sister, a daughter, a pleasant neighbor, a helpful co-worker/boss, an owner of two needy dogs, a passionate lover of Christ. A patient and loving person of our society.
I try to keep my house clean, and my fridge stocked with healthy food.
I try to always keep my hobbies close by.
I try to see all of my friends at least once a week.
I try to keep up with current events, the latest fads and t.v shows, read the latest books on the best seller list.
I try to keep in touch with my friends and family living in distant places.
I try not to forget birthdays and anniversaries so I can send them a card. 
I try not to gossip, speak negatively of myself or others.


It all adds up to an exhausted, frustrated, trying-to-succeed-but-constantly-failing Kelsey.


My life is constantly bombarded by noise, and last night, I read this article referencing the words of a Buddhist monk: “When you are chopping a carrot,” he said, “be chopping a carrot.” 

I've been reflecting on this gem all morning. "When you're drinking coffee, be drinking coffee." One thing at a time.

I have a feeling if I keep trying to do all of these things, and be all of these people, I will look back feeling like I've missed out, or that I didn't take enough time. That the simple life I am trying to live, isn't that simple. That I didn't soak it all up while I was here.

When you are chopping a carrot, be chopping a carrot. 

on books..

I’m watching the Hunger Games tonight with my mister. I can't wait for this stinkin' thing to start! It's been a long time since I've wanted to see a movie this badly. (I was beginning to believe I was passionless) If you haven't read the Hunger Games series, I recommend them.

Book club: I've got my homework cut out for me this month. I'm not into Sci-Fi much. And well, we seem to pick a lot of Sci-Fi novels. Ho-hum. Neil Gaiman's Neverwhere is the selection this month. Something about a man becoming homeless and living beneath London in the sewer alongside angels, and other mythical creatures. AAh, but the book has so many good reviews. Maybe I'll just watch the movie.. hah ... Just kidding. I’ll give it an honest go. In all seriousness, I am thankful for this club; they get me to read books I’d never normally pick up. I’ve enjoyed most of them, so, I’ll stop whining.

I was thinking I should also read Book of Negroes before Wednesday, but, maybe I will just settle with the idea that I've read one of his other books... I'm positive it's no fast read.  600 pages divided by 5 nights equals not likely going to happen.

Enjoy your weekend, my dear friends.

 My new rocket! (not nearly as awesome as the spaceship)

And they say 24 hours is enough...

7am Bible Study

Coffee

Get to work, refill my coffee while reading my blog list

Justin freaked me out about propellers on his plane not working. eek. Pray and cry for a moment

Clean my office like I had cocaine for breakfast -- wonder why I am not always this energetic

Work like a slave

Traded in my spaceship for a much smaller rocket while eating lunch

Worked more, but less like a slave

Got upset with Jessie, she posts too many posts with shoes I want

Realize I can't have any of them, and that I am broke (see above)

Curse Jessie more. Damn her, and those shoes

Go to physio and learn to run. Terrifying, but amazing at the same time

Attend the monthly book club meeting

Freak out inside while learning Lawrence Hill is coming  here to read from Book of Negroes next week!

Walk the dogs while feeling guilty for not spending very much time with them this week, so I walked them longer than usual

Think about attending the midnight showing of Hunger Games - it would be my first midnight showing - but I decide to wait for my date on Saturday. *sigh* The things you do for boys

Fail (again) to teach Luna to "play dead"

Sleep like a sloth

Good-bye rocket. (Sorry I didn't clean it.)

I love Bible Study. It's nice to talk about God.

FMH!!

Notice the rainbow?

This is what happens when you just go to anyone!! Just don't! Tolerate your roots until your Girl gets back! Roots smoots. Red, grey, pink, blonde mouse colored rainbow way worse than roots. Learn from me people.

Premenstral Bitch Fest

If you'd like to learn how to give poor customer service, buy a Ford. They're good at disappointing. Oh me, oh my. I wish public transportation worked better for me.

On the upside of the down, I'm 14 weeks post op! I start Monday with 3 weekly sessions of physio (because this walking thing is more challenging than you might think.) I can start water aerobics next week, so I suppose I am looking for a nonathletic, spandex-wearing sidekick for this adventure...

I'm hopeful I'll be able to get in one ski, and one snowshoe this year. Even if I only last 5 minutes before dying of exhaustion, I'll still smile on my way out. 

Giving up Facebook is harder than I imagined. Though it's more challenging during my working hours than my home hours which I thought would be the other way around. Facebook helped me through long, treacherous days. It was my spreadsheet escape. Now I drink a lot of tea and stare at the cat sleeping on its post.

Bible Study tomorrow morning?

I am trying to find friends within my church home. There is one I'd like to be friends with, but honestly how do you make a friend these days? (Yes, MWF Seeking BFF is on my to-read list.)  I am finding that part of my life very empty these days. I always said, "my next boyfriend will be Christian," but I think he's the farthest thing from that... I'd like someone I can talk to about my Christian Life issues. and of course HOW AWESOME GOD IS! :)  You know, as my non-christian friends just don't understand.

Tomorrow marks one year for Jimmy. Her leaving really broke my heart, so I made it a spa day.

40 days of Lent.

Lent. Lenten Season. I shall sacrifice for Him. As feeble as my attempt may be.

I don’t know everything about Lent, and I am not so sure how it is supposed to look, but I do know it's not what you give up; it's what you do in attitude. I suppose the only way to really appreciate this is by participation, worship, and a whole lot of prayer.

This year, my first year participating, I am attempting to give up Facebook for 40 days. I know saying, "I quit Facebook." doesn't sound like I am doing very much for Him when he sacrificed so much for me.  But have faith; what I am hoping to do with the time I typically spend on Facebook is much greater than one may think.

Life is about loving, living and laughing-together. I am trusting that the time I normally waste on Facebook can be used to enrich my relationship with Our Father, my friends, and family. I want to give them the love and time they deserve. 

When I got sick two years ago with Crohn’s Disease my social life got put on the back burner, and so, my life as a social butterfly stopped dead in its tracks. I have yet to devote the same time and energy into my friend’s lives as I used to. I hope to use Lent as my justification to jump back into life, my old life. The life where my loved ones were the centre of my life; their happiness was the key to my happiness. 

I am largely indebted to my friends who stuck by my side when I sauntered sadly through my darkest days; I owe so much to my community for the resources I’ve been handed through this period. I won’t only be out gallivanting about in social festivities, but I will also be reserving moments of peace. I believe this attitude I am taking about Lent, is also about slowing down, breathing deeply, and taking the time to remind myself what Lent is about and why we celebrate in it. 

I am hoping I can open my heart to hear what He has to say, and give back what He has given to me.

Zeee weekend.

Luna: With a mug like that, I can't help but love her.

The said pie... looks better than you think it tastes..

I don't know who was more excited to get in the sleeping bag...

BFFs. No denying it.

Finally, I am walking!

Wordless.

I can't find the words to express myself. It seems none of them, though there are many, come close enough to describe my thoughts.

I'm taking this week off. I'm signing out so I can try to better understand myself. Through God, I hope to come out of this a more understanding and forgiving soul. I hope I discover a slight sense of my purpose, a small reason why I am here doing what I do.

a new kind of cycling..

I remember when 10 minutes of exercise was peanuts.

Today, after 20 minutes I can't physically turn the pedals any longer.

Weekend Getaway.

Justin and I went with another couple to a little cabin in Atlin, B.C. for the weekend.

This was the sunrise from the cabin's window this morning. The cabin was nested into the mountain side looking over Atlin Lake.

Peaceful isn't a good enough word to describe how I felt out there.

They went out snowshoeing, but I stayed back to read, think and sleep more.

We played boardgames, watched the football game, ate a lot and had lovely conversations throughout.

I know I ate and drank enough to sink that ship. (Too soon?)

Living was easy, and I am upset weekends are only two short days.

Guilty Pleasures

My secret: I love Love, even though I try to pretend it sucks, I actually enjoy it.

Let's be serious here, what girl honestly doesn't love romance? Gentlemen, if a girl is telling you this, it's a lie.

It feels good to give and receive love. I don't necessarily mean just the boyfriend/girlfriend/significant other love either, there are other kinds.

But, I love when you think of someone and feel strange inside. A good strange-like you are dancing and laughing in a mine field; it’s dangerous, but fun at the same time.

So, sometimes (which really means often,) I give in to this guilty pleasure. I listen to the most cheesy love song I can find, and I day dream. And I pray that someday I am the girl that artist is singing about, because I can't imagine any better feeling than to have someone feel that way about you.

Sadly, but secretly not, I'm confessing to you that I've been jamming to these two songs for a few days. It's okay to judge. :)


For the most part Train is my go to artist. With lyrics like, "You wear white and I will wear out the words, "I love you.'" you can't go wrong. Melts my heart.


Simply a classic. Nothing more to say.

Devil's Advocate

Sometimes you gotta go a little crazy. Sometimes you gotta call your best friend and let it all out. Sometimes you gotta talk about your inner demons, and cry. A lot. And sometimes in public. But at least, your best friend has your hand. And tissue.

I've been my own devil's advocate lately. The devil in me has been testing, rather wearing out, my positive side. Breaking me down. I'm losing sight of myself.

I do not care to expand. I think it is time for me to step back in order to figure it all out.

I've lost touch with my sense of purpose. I have lost sight of God's plan for me. I thought I had it figured out, I was pleased with the Grace He has showered upon me. But, I am lost. Maybe I have lost sight of God. I seem to give Him my leftovers, maybe... I dunno? I need some time.




But the LORD has become my fortress,
and my God the rock in whom I take refuge.
-Psalm 94:22

It's been a long, suffocating week for me. It's been full of please-God-won't-you-do-something lamentations. And a few loud, unanswered, Why's?

I'd like a break. I still feel loss, torn, and broken. I am still very confused and I have been praying nonstop for a relaxing Christmas Vacation so I can have time to figure it all out. So God can show me the answers to my questions in His own way.

I am ready for a break, a break where I can feel peace within me, hopeful for my future and surround myself with loved ones.

I always have really high expectations for this season; I wish each Christmas break is filled with a week of cuddling on the couch with classic Christmas movies, hot chocolate, late nights board game sessions, Christmas Light Tours, and tree hunting with the ones I love.

Most often it is spent in a whirlwind racing to wrap last minute gifts and trying to beat the clock. Perhaps this year I will simply try to enjoy the silent minutes in the chaos.

"Time stands still best in moments that look suspiciously like ordinary life."

- Brian Andreas

Spoiled.

Elegant "truck stop diners", north stars, eclipsing moon, lazy morning breakfasts and tea, instruction manuals and comic books, The Nutcracker soon, Christmas Tree support, missing sleep, driveways and garbage cans, warm feelings galore!

I am lucky, really lucky. It's hard not to smile.

My Papaya

Not only did we close down one, but two coffee shops in beautiful conversation. 

I indulged myself in 3 wonderful hours or reminiscing, dreaming, and understanding with one of my girl friends whom I adore. I must admit there were many moments where I had one of those, as Operah calls them, "A-ha! moments," when you suddenly realize you're not alone in your feelings. It's glorious relief. Sitting, so elegantly, across the table from me was someone who is equally hiding the same pain I am. Her worry and hurt is from a different place than mine, but we grieve the same; we feel equally upset; we often feel our self worth is, well the equivalence of dirt. But we are wrong. Sometimes we lose sight of this. 

My dear friend and I, I know we are not alone-and perhaps you too, struggle with the feelings of simply, not being adequate enough.

Perhaps I've set our standards for myself too high, or I witness pressure from society. By not allowing my to become molded into something more acceptable: I've neither married nor reproduced; I've never followed through on any of my career endeavors or dreams, and I hate myself for it. I find it's hard to love myself when I don't feel worthy of who I am-or should be. Or, when it seems like I am always on "Stage Left." Except this isn't a play. I am lost in my own way and for myself, I feel without purpose or direction.

How we overcome these struggles, that I do not know.