Each morning when I enter my office and place myself at my desk I silently mutter to myself, "Welcome. To. Junior. High."

Not only am I doing three people’s jobs and constantly behind, but I am also acting “school counselor.”  Which normally doesn’t bother me because I can usually tune them out or tell them that they are brave and awesome for dealing with this huge, massive problem, when really I think they are being a baby. (I’ve learned agreeing with them, even when I don’t, gets them out of my office and back to work that much faster. Wrong? I know.)

And life continues as normal…until this week when, for once in my life I said no.

As the safety coordinator, I said no to increasing the max weight on the vehicle registration to a limit that exceeded its legal limit, which is expensive, and dangerous. For those that are like, “WTF is she nattering about?” It’s the equivalent of asking for a size 7 shoe when you are actually a 9; your foot is too big for the shoe; it won’t work. In our twelve years of operating never have we have we been in such a situation. We always have a bigger shoe. So I said it was unnecessary.

I can’t enter his office without him immediately changing the topic. I am the devil to him. The best part: I can hear him talking from my office, so I like to randomly pretend I need a document from his filing cabinet when he really gets going about how "controlling" I can be.  

Me, controlling?

Mwahaha!

There hasn't been a Friday that I haven't cried on in a really long time. I don't like Fridays. I don't like crying.

I don't like the part where my heart breaks. I don't like the part where I feel empty, and worthless inside.  The part where I am not good enough for much of anything doesn't feel so good either.

I'm usually pretty good at suppressing these feelings on the other 6 days of the week-I'm busy. Fridays are wide open. Too much time to think about feelings and other useless things.

But if you love Friday, I hope it's good to you. :)

Enjoy.

the art of conversation has died

I am sure if I had time to sit down and think about the things that bother me, texting during an actual face-to-face conversation would be at the top of my list. I know these days we are all very busy people with other things going on in our lives, but are we so busy we can't simply TALK to just one person for just a few minutes?

It's a nice-feeling-turned-empty when you finally get together with someone after rescheduling, and rescheduling coffee dates, then mid conversation they start constantly texting someone else. Suddenly "it's so nice to finally see you" turns into "uh-huh.."'s while looking down at their screen.

I love you friends, dearly, but texting while I am talking to you doesn't scream love back.

Perhaps I am too old-fashioned for these new aged techie things. But, to me, it's rude and disrespectful.

Devil's Advocate

Sometimes you gotta go a little crazy. Sometimes you gotta call your best friend and let it all out. Sometimes you gotta talk about your inner demons, and cry. A lot. And sometimes in public. But at least, your best friend has your hand. And tissue.

I've been my own devil's advocate lately. The devil in me has been testing, rather wearing out, my positive side. Breaking me down. I'm losing sight of myself.

I do not care to expand. I think it is time for me to step back in order to figure it all out.

I've lost touch with my sense of purpose. I have lost sight of God's plan for me. I thought I had it figured out, I was pleased with the Grace He has showered upon me. But, I am lost. Maybe I have lost sight of God. I seem to give Him my leftovers, maybe... I dunno? I need some time.




But the LORD has become my fortress,
and my God the rock in whom I take refuge.
-Psalm 94:22

I need to cry.

Breathe in, Breathe out.

At least I feel real.

I am choosing to be a sack of $h*t.

All my life I've lived by a guideline I once made; a set of rules I followed for my own idea of success. I've stopped. This is what I gave up:

1. Set Goals

2. Make The Most Of Everyday

3. Be Adventurous

4. Connect

5. Do The Things I Don't Want To

6. Be Disciplined

7. Make A Difference

8. No Complaining

I'm to lazy to call a friend for coffee; I am to lazy to change my attitude, let alone the world!

I gotta pull my head out of my ass and get on with life. It's waiting.

Verse of the Day

Verse of the Day on BibleGateway.com

“How well God must like you— you don't hang out at Sin Saloon, you don't slink along Dead-End Road, you don't go to Smart-Mouth College. Instead you thrill to God's Word, you chew on Scripture day and night. You're a tree replanted in Eden, bearing fresh fruit every month, Never dropping a leaf, always in blossom.”

-Psalm 1:1-2 [The Message]

This is not about me, I have been slinking along a dead-end road, I've been bitterly sarcastic - in fact I think I teach at "Smart-Mouth College."

You're not at all like the wicked, who are mere windblown dust— Without defense in court, unfit company for innocent people. God charts the road you take. The road they take is Skid Row.

-Psalm 1:4-6 [The Message]

I've been more like the second part: wicked, windblown and lost. I have been feeling very bitter, angry and mostly alone. Alone, not in the sense that I have no physical persons around, for I have plenty. Alone, as if I am charting uncharted waters and have no other souls to guide me.

The strangest part is that I don't even know what these uncharted waters are? I can't seem to shake this bout of depression that has nestled itself deep within my bones. I keep thinking to myself, "Tomorrow is another day, it will be better. I have so much love," but it doesn't seem to work like it used to.

it's complicated

I am taking an Internet, and gadget hiatus.

Send me an old fashioned post card, or simply come for tea.

There are thinkers, and there are do-ers.

There are those who sit back and watch, and there are there are those who get up and go.

There are those who run from it, and there are those who create it.

Figuring out which one you are - that's the easy part.

People are being taken from this world too easily and too quickly.

My friend lost her mom a few weeks ago, and this weekend her son.

I question you, God. I question you.

You've done so much good to me, but not for others. Why?

I neither feel grateful for my own life, nor like the shining light I need to be for her.

It hurts me to be okay, and so happy when she's at the very bottom.

You can do nothing to heal those kinds of wounds.

Dear God, give her strength.

Phase 1:

I'd be lying if I said this diet was easy. It's the most difficult thing I've done, in a sense that it is stealing one hundred percent of my thinking capacity. I am constantly consumed with thoughts of food I cannot eat. It's especially hard at home when I am bored, or with people who have the freedom to consume without caution. It's also awkward and time-consuming. An fine example: Post race used to be chocolate milk, Friday I ate a meatball. WTF?

I hate ground beef unless it is smothered in cheese and bacon, wedged between a bun. Meatballs. Plain meatballs. Cardboard for dinner anyone?

I am sick of the "safe" food, and have resorted to skipping meals entirely. I know this method of ignorance is only going to lead me into a mad binge shortly. They said it would be hard, and they were not joking. I feel better, but in my own state of misery, I am wondering if this torture is worth it.

I need to develop a success partner.

I'm praying for strength.

facebook...

"If you have a wonderful man, who isn't perfect, but is perfect for you; who works hard & would do anything for you. Who drives you crazy and then makes you laugh; who puts up with every kind of mood you throw at him & who you wouldn't want to live without, brag about him a little and post this as your status!"

I hate this junk; just kiss your boyfriend and get on with your life.

coffee tussle

you leave your dog out in the cold
while you put the rest of your life on hold
you sip your coffee extra hot
sometimes splurge and get the extra shot.
as your dog sits and shivers,
you need to take a trip to many rivers.
what you're doing is just not right
how do you sleep with yourself at night?
but what do you care,
he's got his own hair?
as he sits there in his sled,
i think he's better off dead.