Lately:

I think I just allowed the biggest, burliest, tattooed dude to live in my basement for the summer. Oh please God, don't let him be some kind of psycho killer!

I've been doing yoga and drinking too much beer.

Listening to a lot of hip-hop and classical music. I don't get it either.

Loving my time with Shannon. Dang woman, you're a good listener. Thanks for the perspective.

Eating a lot of take-out and cooking zero. It's depressing to cook for one. Never been good at it. Out-of-the-pot-and-over-the-sink has never been my thing... Yes, that's how I eat when I am alone. Tables with empty chairs depress me.

Being told to keep going over chicken fingers and messy sandwiches. I don't take that lightly, it is easy to crumble and stay there. Thank you.

Sleeping not very much. Constantly having nightmares. Last night a fellow high-school student shot me in the head. People in the street didn't care I was dying.

Walking a lot with Luna. Enjoying the spring smells.

Planning to move.

Asked to job shadow under a caterer here. I don't even care if I get paid!

Reading Born to Run. I'm glad I took a third attempt at it. Also a book on how to make friends. As I have none. And I probably need them

Creating a summer bucket list. It's going to be an action packed last summer here. 

Telling myself, "I just have to adjust to life without him, and that I will be okay." Adapting to an adverse situation. I could have cancer or no legs. This should be easier.

Trying to be grateful. Failing at it.

Forcing myself to focus on me, and my goals for a change.

Learning to let go of the past. It has always been a challenge.

Fixing my house to sell it in June.

If I've missed telling you that I was leaving in the fall, I am sorry that this is how you found out.

Much love, dear friends.

Facebook

I don't miss it. 

I don't miss feeling jealous; I don't miss feeling empty or unworthy; I don't miss the longing for other people's lives or possessions; I don’t miss the burden of attempting to mend pain that is not my own; and I certainly don't miss the hurt or chaos that comes with the gossip. I don't miss the late night "stalking" of my friend's pages to see what they've been up to. 

I enjoy the mystery; the catching up face to face. I like the real instant message in facial expressions.

I can barely handle the burdens those around me carry. Too much information is available to our fingertips; I stumble upon pain, guilt and fear. I walk around in a fog not really knowing how to cope, or deal with the pains in my loved one’s hearts. I don’t quite know how to handle this grief with grace. 

Because, what am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to handle these things that are so much bigger? How am I supposed to move past these boulders and walk the path that lies before me? 

I don’t know. 

I do know that Facebook-and the pain it brings to me-has damaged my relationship with my loved ones. I’d rather stay home, read a book, or cuddle my boyfriend than deal with the pain in my heart. 

Maybe I’m just supposed to do with these big things what I can. Maybe I don’t move them out of the way completely. Maybe I just gently nudge, and with each nudge maybe the burden becomes lighter.

Nevertheless. 

I am at a crossroad: Do I delete my account, or am I to pick and choose who stays, and who goes?

FMH!!

Notice the rainbow?

This is what happens when you just go to anyone!! Just don't! Tolerate your roots until your Girl gets back! Roots smoots. Red, grey, pink, blonde mouse colored rainbow way worse than roots. Learn from me people.

Guilty Pleasures

My secret: I love Love, even though I try to pretend it sucks, I actually enjoy it.

Let's be serious here, what girl honestly doesn't love romance? Gentlemen, if a girl is telling you this, it's a lie.

It feels good to give and receive love. I don't necessarily mean just the boyfriend/girlfriend/significant other love either, there are other kinds.

But, I love when you think of someone and feel strange inside. A good strange-like you are dancing and laughing in a mine field; it’s dangerous, but fun at the same time.

So, sometimes (which really means often,) I give in to this guilty pleasure. I listen to the most cheesy love song I can find, and I day dream. And I pray that someday I am the girl that artist is singing about, because I can't imagine any better feeling than to have someone feel that way about you.

Sadly, but secretly not, I'm confessing to you that I've been jamming to these two songs for a few days. It's okay to judge. :)


For the most part Train is my go to artist. With lyrics like, "You wear white and I will wear out the words, "I love you.'" you can't go wrong. Melts my heart.


Simply a classic. Nothing more to say.

Devil's Advocate

Sometimes you gotta go a little crazy. Sometimes you gotta call your best friend and let it all out. Sometimes you gotta talk about your inner demons, and cry. A lot. And sometimes in public. But at least, your best friend has your hand. And tissue.

I've been my own devil's advocate lately. The devil in me has been testing, rather wearing out, my positive side. Breaking me down. I'm losing sight of myself.

I do not care to expand. I think it is time for me to step back in order to figure it all out.

I've lost touch with my sense of purpose. I have lost sight of God's plan for me. I thought I had it figured out, I was pleased with the Grace He has showered upon me. But, I am lost. Maybe I have lost sight of God. I seem to give Him my leftovers, maybe... I dunno? I need some time.




But the LORD has become my fortress,
and my God the rock in whom I take refuge.
-Psalm 94:22

Merry Christmas.

First off: Happy Birthday To Jesus. Today, and everyday I live for Him. I celebrate Him. Each day I try to be better for Him. It feels good to give back what He has given me.

I hope that you've all had the chance to celebrate whatever it is that you celebrate: family, love, God, or whatever. I hope it was lovely for you. I hope you ate, and laughed with your loved ones. I hope you stumbled upon new traditions, and practiced the old ones too. I hope you snuggled on the couch, and had the chance to dust off your ice skates. I hope you indulged in delicious hot cocoa. Because, these are only a few of my cherished Christmas memories, but essential for the holiday season.

My Christmas with Justin has been fantastic. We've done nearly nothing except eat good food and surround ourselves with his closest loved ones while laughing a lot. When I was thinking about coming here, I was incredibly frightened by all of these new-to-me traditions, new faces, and new food. But in the end, I was being overly dramatic. It has been lovely.

I need to cry.

Breathe in, Breathe out.

At least I feel real.

dream big

I am gathering information and employing my imagination in preparing myself for what is to come: Life.

My 29th birthday is rapidly approaching and I feel as if 30 is a shorter distance away; it is time to get going before the going has up and left me.

It is easy for me to feel as though my life has no purpose and is without meaning - as you know, this is not the life I would have chosen if it were up to me. I know I am an important role in my work place as it could not function without me, but that does not automatically fill one with the satisfaction and lust for life that one needs.

My passion is in food. I don’t mean the mundane task of eating the food placed in front of us at each meal. I mean the bringing together of our loved ones; the reuniting with long lost friends; the falling in love with a stranger. We build our lives around food. We nourish our souls along side our family and friends. Our busy lives disconnect and separate us, but dinner will always encourage sharing and warmth.

It is in these moments while gathered around the table that I love to step back and watch life unfold its beauty. I take pleasure in knowing that a simple dish can create life. It brings reminiscing, makes plans for the future, and comforts us in ways only our loved ones know how.

Therefore, the way I see it, the maker of food makes life. Who wouldn’t want to be a chef?

- "Be ignited, or be gone." - Mary Oliver

My Dearest Rob,

I miss my friend Rob:

I miss our chats about God, life, music, and every other nonsensical topic. Sometimes we didn't talk - we sat - we listened to nothing.

I miss bringing him food he never ate but he'd never tell me that - I just knew.

I miss the days we (or, maybe it was just I) stalked each others facebook, blog and YouTube pages. We called - we wrote. To me it still wasn't enough Rob. I knew things before he did. And I am sure he did too.

I miss our "random Baked meetings" that sometimes weren't so random. And often not long enough.

I miss a challenge at a good game of crib in the middle of the night.

I miss not telling him everything - all of the time. Luckily for him, he just gets the good stuff.

Sometimes you can live just down the hall from your best friend and it can feel like a journey of many miles just to get there and be no answer. For that, I miss insomnia. I miss our less busy times, when our schedules were a little more in-sync.

I might be bias, but this is, in my opinion, his best piece:

i've been grumpy lately, this is why:

My ten-year high school reunion is tonight.

I can tell you that I do not want to go. I was neither cool, nor uncool in high school. I was neutral. I was the beige crayon of the box, and I did my best to keep it that way. I was everyone's and no one's friend at the same time. Though one time, and I think because I was a better runner than a guy on the track team, a rumor that I was a lesbian was spread. If that's my biggest memory from high school, I am not sure why I should revisit those days. I was bored, and thought most of my class mates were less than smart. To be kind.

Ten years ago if you had asked me what I would be doing today, none of the things I am currently doing would have been listed. I am unsure if this is a good or a bad thing.

I've been thinking about this day a lot for the last month or so, and I've come to the conclusion that this is no life to be that excited over. That's a sad thought. I'm happy; I manage to have a lot of fun on the weekends, and I am fairly productive throughout the week - though in being honest with myself, I have a lot of things I regret not doing. I've left a lot of things I wanted un-chased.

Ten years ago I am certain I said to my mother, "I'm going to change the world." And I meant it. I wanted to be remarkable, and remembered for the great things I was about to do. I hoped that when people looked at me they would see Jesus shining in me. And maybe I will be remembered by few, and maybe some do see Jesus in me - it's difficult to tell.

The thing that scares me the most isn't that I haven't done much of anything in the last ten years, but that it went by so quickly. What happens if I sit at my desk for another ten years unsatisfied? I'll be half-way through life!

My biggest regret is the job I hold.* I'm on my way to making a lot of money, and I am currently worth enough money to live a good life; my future has been secured. If I am smart about it, that is.

You see folks, money cannot buy you happiness. A lot of us don't understand this statement. Yes, it's true, you can do a lot of cool things and buy anything you desire, but that doesn't mean you are going to wake up smiling. I certainly don't wake up thinking, "Yeah! I can't wait to get to my desk and fill out spread sheets and invoice people for the next eight hours! wooo-hooo!" No. I wake up counting the days until Friday.

I've not done a lot of things because, honestly if I don't come to work this place won't run. That's a heavy burden to carry. It's difficult to leave even for a short while, and when I do, I find myself checking in and constantly thinking about the work I am not doing. I get stress hives if I am gone more than a week! (See note on O.C.D below)

Knowing what I know now, I would never have agreed to do what I am doing. I'm stuck. Right here. Going nowhere. hummph. Please don't think I am a miserable little fuck, because I am not, I am just not living to my fullest potential, and that can sometimes get me down. The what if's in life, you know?

...




*For those of you who don't know me so well, I'm 1/5th owner in my family's business. We're a monopoly. My family totals 5 people. We're all stubborn. We all suffer from O.C.D in one way or another. We push each others buttons all week long, and come the weekend we don't speak to each other. We're in the process of buying out the folks. That's right, a large, growing-rapidly business run by my brother, sister and I. Scary. When my dad calls my phone 99% of the time I press "ignore," which I know only makes him more angry with me than he already is. On a good day, I might text my mother to see what he wanted. I am not like my family in any way; they can't make enough money, and I could care less. They have no other dreams or desires, only money, money, money. I only need love.

I think I should write about my family and our craziness at work. Collectively we make a great team, but man we're crazy.

A Tale of Unquenchable Desire

Chapter 1. The Uninterested Lass
It all started not so long ago on a mild November afternoon. She was quite nervous and he wasn’t sure of the trail. Afterwards they would sip tea and he would think she was cute, for we hope more than just her toque. After many moons came and went she’d finally realize this boy was the coveted grand prize. It was in an innocent moment when he explained to her the rules of a game played with a racquet, which oddly, made her heart skip a beat.

Chapter 2. High Steaks
On one cold, stormy March evening he took her to a movie about fishing and hiking, which really turned her crank. Poker would be played; bets would be lost; and drinks would be drank. It was late, or rather, it was in the early hours of the morning when he’d finished paying his dues by serenading her, that she had wanted him to kiss her. She knew he was thinking likewise, and even asked him what he was thinking about, but he was a wee bit too shy to make the first move. Eventually, after tiring of her pleading with him, he confessed via text that he held a deep desire to pounce on her from across the couch and have his way with her right then! Instead, he was a proper gentleman and saw her to the door to wish her a pleasant evening. You see folks, this was only the first of many bets to come.


Chapter 3. Drinking Wine with a Fox
After one long week and a game of twenty questions they were together again, but this time she had brought him to a place where she would drink semi-chilled wine and he would consume beer - warm, and straight from the box. What a man! Snowy owls were perched, and once more she nervously longed to be kissed. This evening was different from the last, this time they both knew exactly how the other felt about this all important matter of kissing. As the night was nearing an end, he was giving her that same curious look that cannot mean anything else other than I’ve-got-to-have-you-right-now, so she asked him to explain himself, and he did. Simply, he leaned in and kissed her just the way she liked it, and put one hand on her waist to draw her near. Her checks flushed, and she melted.


* A note to readers: This story was supposed to consist of only run-on sentences; I was going for the record. Thankfully it's not, but sorry there are more than a few.
Enjoy
-K

Today I was not myself; I do not know who that was. I feel guilty, and I've let myself down.

I don't know what's going on with me but lately my heart has been so heavy that I can't make it through the day without crying. I thought crying was your body's way to release stress hormones..maybe I have a mega surplus of those bastards. Everything and one makes me feel inadequate and, so, I cry. Sometimes I am crying and not really sure why I am crying. Sometimes I drive in my car and start crying, or when I eat my lunch, or shower. It comes suddenly and lingers for what I feel is too long. I made a point of just crying so that I could get it all out, but there is still more. Not really sure about myself anymore. I remember being stronger, happier, and more free.

money can't buy my happiness or love

Spilled the beans about the culinary arts interview on Monday because I was so excited I couldn't contain myself... Thought they'd be proud/happy for me. Wrong
If I stay here, I get a significant raise...
I don't want a raise, I want to be happy.
My family doesn't understand faith, happiness or dreams
They only understand the bottom line, money in the bank, big houses and fancy cars.
I feel stuck - obligated to my family.
I feel like I've sold my soul to my family and didn't get a receipt.

I think if I go, I will be shunned. Maybe that's what I have to do and hope they will understand.

Advice: Never open a family operated business; it'll ruin your family's relationship and tightness.

i fear love just as i fear death

I would give you my heart if you simply ask.

My feelings are pure, honest, and true. I want your comfort, your soul, your heart. When you are near I feel a certainty within my own soul. Many times I dared to tell you how much I care, but I cannot. I set out to toss a bottle containing a single sentence made from seven small words, but never made it to the ocean. Out of fear I never took that drive. Once that bottle is tossed I can't take it back - it becomes permanent. It becomes a beacon of my constant agony.

I fell. I fell for the beautiful words that flutter from your extraordinary mind. I fell for your actions, your dreams, your ability to stir things up every now and again. I fell for the chances you take that nobody else dares. I fell for the small surprises you give me, and the things you teach me each day. When you lay next to me everything is okay, it's as it should be. The monotony of life disappears; I forget about my struggles and sorrows. All is well in the world – perfect, simple and true. I love that. I also love that I don’t feel the constant need to talk; somehow it feels as if our hearts are doing the talking for us. With you, our silence is comfortable and conversation comes easily. I allowed you to move my soul. Even after a year, my heart skips a beat at the sight of you, and my breath is taken at the sound of your voice.

I want to witness everything: your triumphs, and conquests. I want to be your companion and your ally. I want to walk with you in your times of anguish, and hardship, though I don’t see there being many. I have fallen in love with you twice. Though you were not always the same person, you merely shared the same casing. The first time I was unaware of your true magnificence, and beauty, the second time was by far the best feeling I have ever felt. Allowing me to fall and delve into your soul was the best gift you could ever give me. For everything; there is not one thing I would change, you are perfect in every way.

You see Rob; I fear love just as I fear death. I fear that if I tell you this, this love I feel for you is unrequited, and it is apt to leave my heart hanging heavily in my chest. I fear the tears I shall shed will never cease. It was once said, “Waiting hurts. Forgetting hurts. But not knowing which decision to take is the worst of suffering." It is true. This is exactly how I feel.

Original message in a bottle: “Simply, I am in love with you.”

My dearest Papaya, :)

I'll have you know, your love and inspiration have shaped me.

You already know this, but I'll repeat it anyway: without you, I wouldn't be me. Your wisdom and guidance have helped me turn into a lesser version of you, and to me, you're my ideal. You're smart, you're beautiful, you're very talented (why you can't see this is beyond my intelligence), you're the most hilarious being ever, you're classy (in fact you're so classy, the scuzziest of them feel good about themselves after being turned down by you!), and you're loved by all. Seriously, you are top notch.

I will always remember our inside jokes, coffee, and of course George. This weekend when I clean house, I will think of you, as I do every time. Bawhaha! :)

I thank God for you. Be well my dear.

P.S. Thank you for making me make it a habit to explore the other side of things before I make my final judgement. A blessing in disguise.

Passing Time

I am disconnecting myself from this world for a while and not coming out until I am a healthier person. Lately, I’ve been so wrapped up in myself and my own battles that I have so little to offer my friends. I have frequently been reminding myself that it’s not always about me; it’s about their glory. I feel it is time to take a step back from life in order to move ahead. I feel as if my life has come to a point where there is no way to get through other than on my own.

I plan to take these moments to grow and untangle this web of madness I have created. As a person, I’ve become selfish and prideful and to me that is ugliness. If you are lucky enough to know my blog exists and you haven’t heard from me in a while, this is why. Take heart, it’s not that I don’t love you (because we all know at times I have too much love to give… Sorry, I know I can seem like a cross between a barnacle and a kitten); it's that I want to be better for you.

"There is a time for departure even when there's no certain place to go."