30 before 30 Spreading Jim in the Tombstones

I actually hiked and spread Jimmy on July 1, 2012. Two months ago... I am getting really bad at posting. Sorry. 

I was all alone out here. 

Could never grow tired of these mountains.

I dug a hole and put her ashes in the ground here. E.M.O.T.I.O.N.A.L! 

running partner || on loving and losing

I hung out with him last night. We ran the Thursday Night Trail Run that Athletics Yukon puts on each week. It was about 5.7 km. He was a good sport. No complaints, stayed with me the whole time. I could tell the pace was a near crawl by his footfall...

I didn't think I could do it. But that's the thing with Justin, he makes me do things I believe I can't do. He has this way of making everything seem easy. Before yesterday I haven't run more than one minute and thirty seconds because that is all my iPod tells me to do. But with Justin I ran for maybe 30 minutes (at least it felt an hour) without stopping! Eventually the hills caught up to my calves and I had to ask him to walk. But, he walked along side me, complaint free. As any good running partner would. 

I get asked a lot why I still see him. It seems insane to people that I wouldn't cut all ties, but everything around Justin is easy. That's why this is so hard. The pain in my heart is better, not absent, but better around him. Except the moment he gets out of the car without kissing me-that sucks.

Nonetheless, I'll take a running friend who is willing to stick it through my rehab process over cutting all ties. Plus, I need the push, and he does that.

inspirations week two

 

“Love knows no limit to its endurance, no end to its trust, no fading of its hope; it can outlast anything. 

Love still stands when all else has fallen.”

 

 

regret || on loving and losing

I have a lot of regrets about the relationship we had together. I suppose there are always those, "I wish" moments in every situation, and it's a terrible feeling. It makes you start to go a little crazy on the inside. Like: if we did this, we might still be together, if I said this, or didn't say that, it might have worked. The analyzing every piece of information you can gather, and every memory-made can drive a girl mad. And that is where I am at right now. I know it's the wrong place to be, and I shouldn't allow myself to think like this, but it's why I can't sleep at night. Tossing and turning over regrets. I don't have regrets in any other areas in my life except this one, and it's a hard thing to get over.


I regret not kissing him enough. I should have told him that I loved him more often--it's good to hear this. I regret not taking enough time looking at the stars with him. I regret not asking him all the things I wanted ask. I wonder about the kind of conversations we might have had if I had the courage to simply ask--if my insecurities didn't get in the way. I feel like I was only beginning to crack the surface of his soul. But maybe that's the beauty of loving someone, you always feel like there is so much more beauty and wonder under their surface.


 I regret memorizing his face while he slept--it's now burned into the backs of my eyelids like a tattoo. I regret smelling him, and realizing that smell isn't around anymore. I regret texting him daily, becuase now my phone never beeps. I regret telling him that I loved him, if I didn't maybe it wouldn't be true. I regret feeling like our relationship was always going to end the next day because we never made many plans, but I liked that, it was simple. I regret being shy around him and allowing my insecure feelings to get in the way of who I am. Trust me, I felt if I sang in the car he would break-up with me cause I suck at singing. I always made him tell me when the meat was done so if it was overcooked it wouldn't be my fault, (even though I know damn well when chicken is done) because if it was my fault, he might break-up with me. I lived an entire year like that. I regret not being the confident me. You see, maybe if I was more confident he wouldn't think he was dating some wussy-assed white girl who can't even sing her favourite song in the car.

You see all the things. I regret all the things. I regret not drinking beer at dinner when I really wanted one. I didn't because I thought he wouldn't want a girlfriend who drank beer on a daily basis. But I am, and I do. I look back, and I wasn't me. I regret that more than anything. I was acting* some girl I thought he might want. I wanted to build forts, fly kites, have bubble baths, do ridiculous things, toss coins to decide which way to go on random road trips, but instead we watched T.V. and made dinner together-fun, but not me. (*Save everything Christian I did...nobody comes before God.. )

It's funny, in love you can really lose sight of who you are.  You watch their shows, cheer for their teams, love their favourite foods, read books they liked, research everything they love so you are on it, as if your favourite things don't matter anymore. (Because trust me, his favourite things were always better than my favourite things...)

I look back, and I realize: I lost myself. I suppose if there is anything I learned from this, it is that. I lost who I was, and my goals and life didn't mater, and that's not right. That's not any life to live.

We all know what our hearts need to mend, and put its pieces back together. Our friends may not always agree with these actions and desires, but they do not know the needs of our own heart. We all comfort our own hearts in different ways; we run to friends for comfort; we seek moments of solitary; we become someone we're normally not in attempt to protect ourselves. Whatever our choice, we know our heart's needs better than anyone.

I know I deserve someone who loves me as much as I love him, I know it hurts when we hang out or talk--but this is what my heart needs to mend. In my moment of fragility, I crave his comfort even when I know the love is unrequited. I believe it's better to fall out of love with someone slowly, than to just walk away from it. The transition to a life-long friend, perhaps.

Change || on loving and losing

I'm going to try opening my soul to the universe and see where the wind might blow me. It's got to be better than building more walls. It's got to be better than throwing in the towel.

It's hard for me to tell if I am making wise decisions or not. Am I being too rash? Will leaving my job make me happier? Will selling my house help me grow? Will moving to a new city help me forget the pain in my heart?

It's hard to say. It's easy to hope, but hoping he'd love me isn't working either.

Braking the news to my parents, who are an already hard to please crowd, was hard. However they seemed to be over encouraging about this. So, I suppose it's time to make decisions--something I've never been good at.

Tomorrow:

I've got things to look forward to:

Meeting my pastor, Bev to talk about the future. My future.

Getting new Crohn's Disease medicine.

Eating lunch at the hot dog stand! What the random!? I thought we were too small and lame for such delightful experiences!

Going to work early so I can have a solo coffee date before work. Have always wanted to do that.

Snowshoeing with Justin after work. (I know what you're thinking, but I know what I'm getting myself into)

Then sleep early because my flight to California is mother-effen early!

Thanks for all of your well wishes, prayers and love. You folks are good to me. Something I will not forget.

This last week has been really rough, it's not getting any easier and my tears are not slowing. I feel like an empty sack of shit and that life's not worth continuing. This isn't who I am, who I was, or who I wanted to become.

I have a really hard time focusing on work, life and my dogs. I've neglected everything including myself. When I do fall asleep I often wake up in a panic attack when I realize we no longer fight for the same team. That soon he will forever be out of my life. Even worse, he'll hold a hand that isn't mine. Going to sleep and getting out of bed are the hardest times of the day. I can't stop mulling over the reasons (I don't know,) why he doesn't love me. I can't stop thinking about all the things I should have done, or the things I shouldn't have said. I can't help but thinking that my tendon is half of the reason. To be honest I didn't walk through that challenge too gracefully. I have so much regret.

Our anniversary would have been in 5 days and I had been dreaming for months that I would make my Facebook update say, "By the Grace of God I've kept a boyfriend for a year!" I no longer believe in God. Nor is there grace anywhere in my life. A year isn't a long time, but it's enough to realize you wouldn't mind spending the rest of your life a person; it's enough to start dreaming of a happy ending. 

friends || on loving and losing

I must say I have the world's best friends. Though they are only a few, they are mighty.

They know what I need when I am grieving, and hurting. They know I need to be left alone during the day so I can stay focused on my job, or just to cry alone at my desk. They know I need chocolate bars, and long drives to look at the stars. They know I won't feed myself so they take me on dinner dates and won't judge when I order a second beer with my salad that I have yet to touch. They know my love for tea and conversation, and they know when to be quiet and just listen to my pain. They let me keep my mouth on repeat when I say things like, "I just don't understand." and "why can't he just love me?" They never answer these questions, because there are no answers. And I wouldn't want to hear them anyway.

I'm broken and feel very alone. I can't recall a time in my life when I've felt this awful. I can't find an activity or a person that takes my mind off of him for even a minute. My iPod is a constant reminder--every. single. song reminds me of a time we were doing something, or it was an album he gave to me, or a band that he also loves. So music is out. It's been quiet. My own house and dog reminds me of him, tea places, streets, rubber bands from vegetables, salmon, cooking, eating, t.v., books, walking, running, sleeping, brushing my teeth, driving, working, my phone... I can't escape him.
 

I don't want to escape him. I only want to be his sidekick--his witness through life.

At this point in time, it feels like this constant pressure on my chest might never lift, the darkness my never lighten, and I might not be able to love again. I can't imagine anyone else. I wouldn't want to, it hurts far more than anything should. Why we have been designed to feel this much love and pain is beyond my thinking capabilities.

So thank you dear friends for your patients, your love, and your actions. I haven't eaten your chocolate, read your magazine, or listened to the new band recommendations. I can't fathom moving on, and by eating it, or listening to something new, I am. And I can't.

me || on loving and then losing

Grief has the ability to paralyze one. It can make you go breathless. 

At first it can make you act crazy: you say really bizarre things. One might even act irrational--making poor, rash decisions. Anything to get your mind off the grief and agony that one feels within their soul. One might walk around not really knowing where they are headed, or where they've even been. You might find yourself starring at the drink board not able to remember what your morning coffee is. It can cause you to wonder, "How did I even live before this? Did my life even have a purpose before this? Who was that woman before him?" And there really are no answers to those questions, because that was then, and this is now. And now is different.

Now there is hurt, and loss, and breathlessness. Now there is confusion and guilt. Questioning, mulling over, and examining every minute detail with no answers. There is looking up and asking, "God? Are you even watching? Are you even there? And Why?" Because, perhaps, maybe He isn't. Maybe we are really just a science experiment waiting to blow up in our face.

Maybe. But if we are a science experiment, why do we have so many feelings? Why do we have the ability to love each other like we do? Why do we have the natural tendency to lean on someone? Why do we have the natural tendency to love? In grief we question.

I don’t know too much about grieving; what it is supposed to look like; or even how long it might last. It’s messy.  And I ask you to bear with me while I figure this out.

losing sight

We come to a point in our lives when we have to attempt to realize what it is exactly that we are fighting for. Determine if it is worth the fight. Some things do need winning over, but there is a fine line between fighting and hanging on; and its chicken-wire thin. At some point we have to realize we are better than this, but somewhere somehow along the way we lose sight of this realization. We long to put someone else first, and when we finally do, we lose sight of what we are fighting for. We lose who we are.

Once you start down that path it is hard to see things with an open mind and a clear head. The perspective is gone. You fight hard without any tangible results. A losing battle, if you will. That's when you look into the mirror to find yourself as someone you're not. Someone a little more crazy than you has taken over. It’s not always a pretty face looking back; the crazy has taken the sparkle from your once beautiful eyes.  

How do we go back? 

I don’t know.

inspirations week eight

"Since love grows within you, so beauty grows. For love is the beauty of the soul" - St. Augustine

baby steps

Sometimes the fears of our heart can seem as great as the terror of a crashing wave destined to descend upon us. Ack!

First it was the half eaten bag of chips… Now, I’ve given my mister my spare toothbrush and contacts case for use while he spends the odd evening at my place. This was a huge milestone for me, as I try to round up all of his things before he leaves my place, and put them back into his bag, as I can't allow him to settle into my place. It's absolutely frightening to me! After I said he could have this stuff, I almost couldn’t hand them over. 

I’m so weird: I want him to be there ALL OF THE TIME, but leaving a toothbrush at my place is overwhelming!

Baby steps…baby steps…

I still cry for you.

It's hard to believe at the end of this month it has only been one year since Jimmy left this world. It feels like longer. I somehow have faith she is in a better place where she has finally learned to love the water and fetch sticks for whom ever is tossing them.

Not a day goes by that I don't still think of her. I only hope she knows I tried really hard to give her the best life I could. 

I hope she felt loved, and important here. She is. 

 This was her favourite toy until she tore its ear off. Then it was suddenly filth to her. 

We hiked a lot together, I miss that about her. This was in the Tombstones. Rainiest weekend of my life! 

 Pre-ascent pep talk/kiss. More for me. I was scared of the bears... 

I took this when she was sick. She slept a lot in her last days. 

Science needs to invent a device so that we can bring back the dead. Maybe we'd all cry a little less. 

I do know that Jim taught me a lot about the world. She taught me patients, and how to love the unloveable-you just do. She taught me it was okay to wear my heart upon my sleeve, and that getting hurt was just another part of life I hadn't yet come to know. 

Jim came to me in my darkest year and departed when the light came back. I somehow think she was an angel sent to me. After being assaulted I couldn't be alone, so I got her on a whim. I had no idea what I was getting myself into, but decided I needed some sort of protection from everyone/thing. We struggled trying to make things work between us (yes, like a human relationship, we butted heads.) I cried a lot, she ate nearly everything I loved. But in the end I relied on bitter apple spray, and a shorter leash for our walks. Eventually we had become soul mates. I took her everywhere; I preferred walks with Jim over dates with friends, and boys. We'd get in the car after work on Friday and return Sunday evening like it was an obligation to leave the city lights behind us. Though we only had one short year together, and it was a dark valley we walked through, looking back it might have also been the best year of my life. 

I've been told there is one soul that will make you see the world differently, and for me, that was Miss Jimmy-Choo. For whatever reason God put her in my path I cannot thank Him enough. 

Rest peacefully, my love.  

You know when your face gets hot, you feel a little dizzy, like you might lose your lunch?

Or when someone says something that just breaks your heart, but deep down you already knew that's what they were going to say, and you could crawl under a rock cursing yourself for being so stupid? "How could you?"

Or when you look up and sheepishly ask, "Why God? I thought this was finally it, no?"

I am sick to my stomach with fear; dizzy in thought; and waiting for the tears.

Happy First Birthday Luna!

Luna,

Though it has been a long year, you've taught me more than your small brain is capable of comprehending. Maybe I'm wrong. You do always seem to know it is 5 o'clock before I do.

You've taught me to love when I didn't think there would be reason to love.
You've taught me patience and self-control, and you have been more than patient with me. I thank you.
You've shown me laughter is the best medicine.
You've literally wiped many tears from my face, though not with soft tissue, but with your disgusting tongue-which makes it impossible to shed another tear.

Though you can't properly get into "place", or roll over at my first request, I somehow have faith we'll be okay. Whatever you are getting out of this mess of a relationship we have together, I can only hope it is as meaningful to you as it is to me.

Here's to another, for lack of a better word, interesting year, my love.

Guilty Pleasures

My secret: I love Love, even though I try to pretend it sucks, I actually enjoy it.

Let's be serious here, what girl honestly doesn't love romance? Gentlemen, if a girl is telling you this, it's a lie.

It feels good to give and receive love. I don't necessarily mean just the boyfriend/girlfriend/significant other love either, there are other kinds.

But, I love when you think of someone and feel strange inside. A good strange-like you are dancing and laughing in a mine field; it’s dangerous, but fun at the same time.

So, sometimes (which really means often,) I give in to this guilty pleasure. I listen to the most cheesy love song I can find, and I day dream. And I pray that someday I am the girl that artist is singing about, because I can't imagine any better feeling than to have someone feel that way about you.

Sadly, but secretly not, I'm confessing to you that I've been jamming to these two songs for a few days. It's okay to judge. :)


For the most part Train is my go to artist. With lyrics like, "You wear white and I will wear out the words, "I love you.'" you can't go wrong. Melts my heart.


Simply a classic. Nothing more to say.

Family.

Today I am thankful, and so very jealous, of the gift that is family.

It has been really nice to visit with a completely new-to-me family. I've enjoyed listening to the reminiscing of stories that are not mine; I love that they still laugh over them-as my family would. I love that they bicker in front of me; I love that they've requested Justin and I to take separate rooms. I love that they made it easy for me not to miss my own as much.

Today I thank God for Justin's family.

It's been a long, suffocating week for me. It's been full of please-God-won't-you-do-something lamentations. And a few loud, unanswered, Why's?

I'd like a break. I still feel loss, torn, and broken. I am still very confused and I have been praying nonstop for a relaxing Christmas Vacation so I can have time to figure it all out. So God can show me the answers to my questions in His own way.

I am ready for a break, a break where I can feel peace within me, hopeful for my future and surround myself with loved ones.

I always have really high expectations for this season; I wish each Christmas break is filled with a week of cuddling on the couch with classic Christmas movies, hot chocolate, late nights board game sessions, Christmas Light Tours, and tree hunting with the ones I love.

Most often it is spent in a whirlwind racing to wrap last minute gifts and trying to beat the clock. Perhaps this year I will simply try to enjoy the silent minutes in the chaos.

"Time stands still best in moments that look suspiciously like ordinary life."

- Brian Andreas

Spoiled.

Elegant "truck stop diners", north stars, eclipsing moon, lazy morning breakfasts and tea, instruction manuals and comic books, The Nutcracker soon, Christmas Tree support, missing sleep, driveways and garbage cans, warm feelings galore!

I am lucky, really lucky. It's hard not to smile.