Lately:

I think I just allowed the biggest, burliest, tattooed dude to live in my basement for the summer. Oh please God, don't let him be some kind of psycho killer!

I've been doing yoga and drinking too much beer.

Listening to a lot of hip-hop and classical music. I don't get it either.

Loving my time with Shannon. Dang woman, you're a good listener. Thanks for the perspective.

Eating a lot of take-out and cooking zero. It's depressing to cook for one. Never been good at it. Out-of-the-pot-and-over-the-sink has never been my thing... Yes, that's how I eat when I am alone. Tables with empty chairs depress me.

Being told to keep going over chicken fingers and messy sandwiches. I don't take that lightly, it is easy to crumble and stay there. Thank you.

Sleeping not very much. Constantly having nightmares. Last night a fellow high-school student shot me in the head. People in the street didn't care I was dying.

Walking a lot with Luna. Enjoying the spring smells.

Planning to move.

Asked to job shadow under a caterer here. I don't even care if I get paid!

Reading Born to Run. I'm glad I took a third attempt at it. Also a book on how to make friends. As I have none. And I probably need them

Creating a summer bucket list. It's going to be an action packed last summer here. 

Telling myself, "I just have to adjust to life without him, and that I will be okay." Adapting to an adverse situation. I could have cancer or no legs. This should be easier.

Trying to be grateful. Failing at it.

Forcing myself to focus on me, and my goals for a change.

Learning to let go of the past. It has always been a challenge.

Fixing my house to sell it in June.

If I've missed telling you that I was leaving in the fall, I am sorry that this is how you found out.

Much love, dear friends.

friends || on loving and losing

I must say I have the world's best friends. Though they are only a few, they are mighty.

They know what I need when I am grieving, and hurting. They know I need to be left alone during the day so I can stay focused on my job, or just to cry alone at my desk. They know I need chocolate bars, and long drives to look at the stars. They know I won't feed myself so they take me on dinner dates and won't judge when I order a second beer with my salad that I have yet to touch. They know my love for tea and conversation, and they know when to be quiet and just listen to my pain. They let me keep my mouth on repeat when I say things like, "I just don't understand." and "why can't he just love me?" They never answer these questions, because there are no answers. And I wouldn't want to hear them anyway.

I'm broken and feel very alone. I can't recall a time in my life when I've felt this awful. I can't find an activity or a person that takes my mind off of him for even a minute. My iPod is a constant reminder--every. single. song reminds me of a time we were doing something, or it was an album he gave to me, or a band that he also loves. So music is out. It's been quiet. My own house and dog reminds me of him, tea places, streets, rubber bands from vegetables, salmon, cooking, eating, t.v., books, walking, running, sleeping, brushing my teeth, driving, working, my phone... I can't escape him.
 

I don't want to escape him. I only want to be his sidekick--his witness through life.

At this point in time, it feels like this constant pressure on my chest might never lift, the darkness my never lighten, and I might not be able to love again. I can't imagine anyone else. I wouldn't want to, it hurts far more than anything should. Why we have been designed to feel this much love and pain is beyond my thinking capabilities.

So thank you dear friends for your patients, your love, and your actions. I haven't eaten your chocolate, read your magazine, or listened to the new band recommendations. I can't fathom moving on, and by eating it, or listening to something new, I am. And I can't.

Facebook

I don't miss it. 

I don't miss feeling jealous; I don't miss feeling empty or unworthy; I don't miss the longing for other people's lives or possessions; I don’t miss the burden of attempting to mend pain that is not my own; and I certainly don't miss the hurt or chaos that comes with the gossip. I don't miss the late night "stalking" of my friend's pages to see what they've been up to. 

I enjoy the mystery; the catching up face to face. I like the real instant message in facial expressions.

I can barely handle the burdens those around me carry. Too much information is available to our fingertips; I stumble upon pain, guilt and fear. I walk around in a fog not really knowing how to cope, or deal with the pains in my loved one’s hearts. I don’t quite know how to handle this grief with grace. 

Because, what am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to handle these things that are so much bigger? How am I supposed to move past these boulders and walk the path that lies before me? 

I don’t know. 

I do know that Facebook-and the pain it brings to me-has damaged my relationship with my loved ones. I’d rather stay home, read a book, or cuddle my boyfriend than deal with the pain in my heart. 

Maybe I’m just supposed to do with these big things what I can. Maybe I don’t move them out of the way completely. Maybe I just gently nudge, and with each nudge maybe the burden becomes lighter.

Nevertheless. 

I am at a crossroad: Do I delete my account, or am I to pick and choose who stays, and who goes?

If there is one thing I know, it's that I need a holiday-an escape from my chaos.

I think for my birthday I would like to go somewhere. I've always wanted to see the Grand Canyon. Though not exciting, far or daring, it screams peaceful. Peaceful is all I am asking for.

I could bring in 29 quietly.

First and Last time with The Torrents. Shame on me.

I attempted to fit in with the rest of the world today. Yes, I pirated an album. I stole form Goyte. I robbed him of profit. I told him his hard work creating these songs wasn't good enough for me.

And now!! Now, I feel guilt, and shame. I could never look him in the eyes and tell him that I enjoy his work. Because I pretty much just said he wasn't worth the $9.99 on iTunes! I am cheap! Cheap!

I am the reason there is no more HMV!

I feel like I need to go buy it from iTunes and delete the stolen property off my computer.

Shame on me.

the art of conversation has died

I am sure if I had time to sit down and think about the things that bother me, texting during an actual face-to-face conversation would be at the top of my list. I know these days we are all very busy people with other things going on in our lives, but are we so busy we can't simply TALK to just one person for just a few minutes?

It's a nice-feeling-turned-empty when you finally get together with someone after rescheduling, and rescheduling coffee dates, then mid conversation they start constantly texting someone else. Suddenly "it's so nice to finally see you" turns into "uh-huh.."'s while looking down at their screen.

I love you friends, dearly, but texting while I am talking to you doesn't scream love back.

Perhaps I am too old-fashioned for these new aged techie things. But, to me, it's rude and disrespectful.

Devil's Advocate

Sometimes you gotta go a little crazy. Sometimes you gotta call your best friend and let it all out. Sometimes you gotta talk about your inner demons, and cry. A lot. And sometimes in public. But at least, your best friend has your hand. And tissue.

I've been my own devil's advocate lately. The devil in me has been testing, rather wearing out, my positive side. Breaking me down. I'm losing sight of myself.

I do not care to expand. I think it is time for me to step back in order to figure it all out.

I've lost touch with my sense of purpose. I have lost sight of God's plan for me. I thought I had it figured out, I was pleased with the Grace He has showered upon me. But, I am lost. Maybe I have lost sight of God. I seem to give Him my leftovers, maybe... I dunno? I need some time.




But the LORD has become my fortress,
and my God the rock in whom I take refuge.
-Psalm 94:22

Happy New Year Rob.
My, how a year can change things.

I am excited for your new walk in life.

Hard work pays off.

You're proof of that.

Though you're far, you're near. Peace be with you.

It's been a long, suffocating week for me. It's been full of please-God-won't-you-do-something lamentations. And a few loud, unanswered, Why's?

I'd like a break. I still feel loss, torn, and broken. I am still very confused and I have been praying nonstop for a relaxing Christmas Vacation so I can have time to figure it all out. So God can show me the answers to my questions in His own way.

I am ready for a break, a break where I can feel peace within me, hopeful for my future and surround myself with loved ones.

I always have really high expectations for this season; I wish each Christmas break is filled with a week of cuddling on the couch with classic Christmas movies, hot chocolate, late nights board game sessions, Christmas Light Tours, and tree hunting with the ones I love.

Most often it is spent in a whirlwind racing to wrap last minute gifts and trying to beat the clock. Perhaps this year I will simply try to enjoy the silent minutes in the chaos.

"Time stands still best in moments that look suspiciously like ordinary life."

- Brian Andreas

My Papaya

Not only did we close down one, but two coffee shops in beautiful conversation. 

I indulged myself in 3 wonderful hours or reminiscing, dreaming, and understanding with one of my girl friends whom I adore. I must admit there were many moments where I had one of those, as Operah calls them, "A-ha! moments," when you suddenly realize you're not alone in your feelings. It's glorious relief. Sitting, so elegantly, across the table from me was someone who is equally hiding the same pain I am. Her worry and hurt is from a different place than mine, but we grieve the same; we feel equally upset; we often feel our self worth is, well the equivalence of dirt. But we are wrong. Sometimes we lose sight of this. 

My dear friend and I, I know we are not alone-and perhaps you too, struggle with the feelings of simply, not being adequate enough.

Perhaps I've set our standards for myself too high, or I witness pressure from society. By not allowing my to become molded into something more acceptable: I've neither married nor reproduced; I've never followed through on any of my career endeavors or dreams, and I hate myself for it. I find it's hard to love myself when I don't feel worthy of who I am-or should be. Or, when it seems like I am always on "Stage Left." Except this isn't a play. I am lost in my own way and for myself, I feel without purpose or direction.

How we overcome these struggles, that I do not know.

I need to cry.

Breathe in, Breathe out.

At least I feel real.

Verse of the Day

Verse of the Day on BibleGateway.com

“How well God must like you— you don't hang out at Sin Saloon, you don't slink along Dead-End Road, you don't go to Smart-Mouth College. Instead you thrill to God's Word, you chew on Scripture day and night. You're a tree replanted in Eden, bearing fresh fruit every month, Never dropping a leaf, always in blossom.”

-Psalm 1:1-2 [The Message]

This is not about me, I have been slinking along a dead-end road, I've been bitterly sarcastic - in fact I think I teach at "Smart-Mouth College."

You're not at all like the wicked, who are mere windblown dust— Without defense in court, unfit company for innocent people. God charts the road you take. The road they take is Skid Row.

-Psalm 1:4-6 [The Message]

I've been more like the second part: wicked, windblown and lost. I have been feeling very bitter, angry and mostly alone. Alone, not in the sense that I have no physical persons around, for I have plenty. Alone, as if I am charting uncharted waters and have no other souls to guide me.

The strangest part is that I don't even know what these uncharted waters are? I can't seem to shake this bout of depression that has nestled itself deep within my bones. I keep thinking to myself, "Tomorrow is another day, it will be better. I have so much love," but it doesn't seem to work like it used to.

it's complicated

I am taking an Internet, and gadget hiatus.

Send me an old fashioned post card, or simply come for tea.

i've been grumpy lately, this is why:

My ten-year high school reunion is tonight.

I can tell you that I do not want to go. I was neither cool, nor uncool in high school. I was neutral. I was the beige crayon of the box, and I did my best to keep it that way. I was everyone's and no one's friend at the same time. Though one time, and I think because I was a better runner than a guy on the track team, a rumor that I was a lesbian was spread. If that's my biggest memory from high school, I am not sure why I should revisit those days. I was bored, and thought most of my class mates were less than smart. To be kind.

Ten years ago if you had asked me what I would be doing today, none of the things I am currently doing would have been listed. I am unsure if this is a good or a bad thing.

I've been thinking about this day a lot for the last month or so, and I've come to the conclusion that this is no life to be that excited over. That's a sad thought. I'm happy; I manage to have a lot of fun on the weekends, and I am fairly productive throughout the week - though in being honest with myself, I have a lot of things I regret not doing. I've left a lot of things I wanted un-chased.

Ten years ago I am certain I said to my mother, "I'm going to change the world." And I meant it. I wanted to be remarkable, and remembered for the great things I was about to do. I hoped that when people looked at me they would see Jesus shining in me. And maybe I will be remembered by few, and maybe some do see Jesus in me - it's difficult to tell.

The thing that scares me the most isn't that I haven't done much of anything in the last ten years, but that it went by so quickly. What happens if I sit at my desk for another ten years unsatisfied? I'll be half-way through life!

My biggest regret is the job I hold.* I'm on my way to making a lot of money, and I am currently worth enough money to live a good life; my future has been secured. If I am smart about it, that is.

You see folks, money cannot buy you happiness. A lot of us don't understand this statement. Yes, it's true, you can do a lot of cool things and buy anything you desire, but that doesn't mean you are going to wake up smiling. I certainly don't wake up thinking, "Yeah! I can't wait to get to my desk and fill out spread sheets and invoice people for the next eight hours! wooo-hooo!" No. I wake up counting the days until Friday.

I've not done a lot of things because, honestly if I don't come to work this place won't run. That's a heavy burden to carry. It's difficult to leave even for a short while, and when I do, I find myself checking in and constantly thinking about the work I am not doing. I get stress hives if I am gone more than a week! (See note on O.C.D below)

Knowing what I know now, I would never have agreed to do what I am doing. I'm stuck. Right here. Going nowhere. hummph. Please don't think I am a miserable little fuck, because I am not, I am just not living to my fullest potential, and that can sometimes get me down. The what if's in life, you know?

...




*For those of you who don't know me so well, I'm 1/5th owner in my family's business. We're a monopoly. My family totals 5 people. We're all stubborn. We all suffer from O.C.D in one way or another. We push each others buttons all week long, and come the weekend we don't speak to each other. We're in the process of buying out the folks. That's right, a large, growing-rapidly business run by my brother, sister and I. Scary. When my dad calls my phone 99% of the time I press "ignore," which I know only makes him more angry with me than he already is. On a good day, I might text my mother to see what he wanted. I am not like my family in any way; they can't make enough money, and I could care less. They have no other dreams or desires, only money, money, money. I only need love.

I think I should write about my family and our craziness at work. Collectively we make a great team, but man we're crazy.

mostly, i am tired

I was correct; I did not like this weekend. I am thankful it will be a short week for me as I need a relief from some of the things that are currently causing stress. I've got the stress hives to prove it.


I am off to Vancouver this week for a bone density scan, which I have yet to research what this entails. I fear that my bones may actually be thinning; often I am in a lot of pain and my finger did break from walking the dog and it is taking longer than usual to heal.


I am excited I get to see Bodhi Jones in Vancouver on Friday, he has been a favourite of mine for some time. I even have a date to this spectacular event; lucky me. I plan to do some hiking and actually see Vancouver while I am there. Usually I fly down the day before and come back the day after not leaving any time to really explore the city. I hear it is quite lovely, and I still plan to go to Culinary Arts School there next year. It'd be nice if I was in love with the city and looked forward to leaving my current location. I hate when I get sad about leaving this beautiful where I currently live, because it is quite paradise-like.


I've never said it before, and I am sorry it has taken me so long to realize that I've yet to thank you for following me: Thank you for reading my ramblings throughout these dark months. Thank you for your comments and suggestions, several of them have come to me when I needed them most. Though I do not post many of them, take heart they do not go unnoticed, and your voices are heard loudly. I am grateful for any advice or pieces of wisdom that you have offered me. Please enjoy this beautiful day that God has given to us.

I don't know what's going on with me but lately my heart has been so heavy that I can't make it through the day without crying. I thought crying was your body's way to release stress hormones..maybe I have a mega surplus of those bastards. Everything and one makes me feel inadequate and, so, I cry. Sometimes I am crying and not really sure why I am crying. Sometimes I drive in my car and start crying, or when I eat my lunch, or shower. It comes suddenly and lingers for what I feel is too long. I made a point of just crying so that I could get it all out, but there is still more. Not really sure about myself anymore. I remember being stronger, happier, and more free.

Grams!

My grandma says the best things. I am proud to say that I can see a lot of myself in her. She is wonderful.
The highlights of this week's conversation were so good I should share:

"It sure is getting to be an awful world, isn't it?" - When we were talking about the escalating divorce rates, why nobody can get along anymore, and why I am still single. :]

I always ask her to tell me something about my grandpa's life and about their life together and what it was like for them. My grandpa died when I was pretty young so I didn't get the chance to find out for myself. Plus, she loves to talk about him. They were and still are very in love. I only hope I get that.

"They should just let people do what makes them happy, there are so many laws and rules these days." - We were talking about how I have to keep my dog on a leash all the time. She thought dogs would be happier too if they could just play with each other whenever they wanted to.

"I think I will just go and set a fire in the hallway, that'll get some of these old farts moving a bit!" - When I asked her what she was going to do with the rest of her night. She's been in an old folks home for almost three years and hates every minute of it. I can't say I would feel any different. Her life has become very scheduled.

Lastly, "Take it easy on those boys around there, you're a lot like me when I was your age and I know what I would be doing." - I don't really know what she means by this.

Yes, indeed I love her.

let us lay in the sun and count every beautiful thing we see.

It may have just been a moment to you, but it changed every single one that followed for me.

"You have about 4 friends, and that's good"

I usually try to keep stuff like this for my tumblr account, but I think we all need to watch this and take something from it.