Sometimes you gotta go a little crazy. Sometimes you gotta call your best friend and let it all out. Sometimes you gotta talk about your inner demons, and cry. A lot. And sometimes in public. But at least, your best friend has your hand. And tissue.
I've been my own devil's advocate lately. The devil in me has been testing, rather wearing out, my positive side. Breaking me down. I'm losing sight of myself.
I do not care to expand. I think it is time for me to step back in order to figure it all out.
I've lost touch with my sense of purpose. I have lost sight of God's plan for me. I thought I had it figured out, I was pleased with the Grace He has showered upon me. But, I am lost. Maybe I have lost sight of God. I seem to give Him my leftovers, maybe... I dunno? I need some time.
But the LORD has become my fortress,
and my God the rock in whom I take refuge.
-Psalm 94:22
Showing posts with label i wrote this for you. Show all posts
Showing posts with label i wrote this for you. Show all posts
January 8, 2012
January 1, 2012
December 11, 2011
Spoiled.
Elegant "truck stop diners", north stars, eclipsing moon, lazy morning breakfasts and tea, instruction manuals and comic books, The Nutcracker soon, Christmas Tree support, missing sleep, driveways and garbage cans, warm feelings galore!
I am lucky, really lucky. It's hard not to smile.
I am lucky, really lucky. It's hard not to smile.
November 18, 2011
Verse of the Day
Verse of the Day on BibleGateway.com
This is not about me, I have been slinking along a dead-end road, I've been bitterly sarcastic - in fact I think I teach at "Smart-Mouth College."
“How well God must like you— you don't hang out at Sin Saloon, you don't slink along Dead-End Road, you don't go to Smart-Mouth College. Instead you thrill to God's Word, you chew on Scripture day and night. You're a tree replanted in Eden, bearing fresh fruit every month, Never dropping a leaf, always in blossom.”
-Psalm 1:1-2 [The Message]
This is not about me, I have been slinking along a dead-end road, I've been bitterly sarcastic - in fact I think I teach at "Smart-Mouth College."
You're not at all like the wicked, who are mere windblown dust— Without defense in court, unfit company for innocent people. God charts the road you take. The road they take is Skid Row.
-Psalm 1:4-6 [The Message]
I've been more like the second part: wicked, windblown and lost. I have been feeling very bitter, angry and mostly alone. Alone, not in the sense that I have no physical persons around, for I have plenty. Alone, as if I am charting uncharted waters and have no other souls to guide me.
The strangest part is that I don't even know what these uncharted waters are? I can't seem to shake this bout of depression that has nestled itself deep within my bones. I keep thinking to myself, "Tomorrow is another day, it will be better. I have so much love," but it doesn't seem to work like it used to.
August 19, 2011
facebook...
"If you have a wonderful man, who isn't perfect, but is perfect for you; who works hard & would do anything for you. Who drives you crazy and then makes you laugh; who puts up with every kind of mood you throw at him & who you wouldn't want to live without, brag about him a little and post this as your status!"
I hate this junk; just kiss your boyfriend and get on with your life.
I hate this junk; just kiss your boyfriend and get on with your life.
April 17, 2011
March 25, 2011
February 12, 2011
The Moment It All Changed
I haven't been having the best of weeks so I decided to reach back into the old me and get out my "old IPod" which reminds me of times that I was not anything like the me I am now. Back in the day I did a lot of things I am not really that proud of, things I'd never do now. I don't talk much about those days because mostly I am embarrassed for myself. I served a couple of girls tonight who reminded me a lot of my old self. I hope they don't make the same mistakes I did.
On my drive home tonight I was thinking about my past life and who I once was. I was a train wreck waiting to happen, but I was really happy, and very healthy at the time. I was a machine. I made a lot of mistakes, and I have a lot of regrets from those days, but I was happy while making them. When I sit here and think about it, I can almost see those days happening before me and I imagine God looking down at me shaking his head and rolling his eyes thinking, "Where did I go wrong with that one?" Back then God really got my left overs, no, he got the left overs the dog wouldn't eat. I knew God, but not anything like I do today.
I was a wreck. I slept around a lot and I got really drunk almost every night. I was self-sabotaging, and self-destructive. I played guys like they were board games: at one point I was seeing four boys, four boys, and I got away with it too! I ruined friendships - I was seeing a guy who I really, really, really liked and was crushed when he left to Spain for a few months. So when he left, I started sleeping with his best friend for no reason! Needless to say, when he got back from his trip it was his turn to play me. I was well played and I deserved it. The part that makes me laugh, and it shouldn't, is that he wrote on the bathroom wall at his work place, "For a good time call ***, she'll suck your di%k and take it in the a$$," (which isn't true) and I got quite a few calls. The worst part was that I had a really good job in insurance and blew it - I quit because I'd rather work at the bar where I can drink for free whenever I wanted to. I was such a mess and then some.
It wasn't until one night where I was nearly raped in a park by a "friend" that my eyes opened to what my life had become. He was supposed to be walking me home to my best friend's place a few blocks away. We'd made it 2 blocks before he had pulled me into a park, pushed me down, pulled my pants down, held me down with his knees and put his fingers inside of me. All I could do was scream but at that time of the night and place in this city there are never people around, so it was no use. He kept saying that, "it was going to feel good and that I would like it." I kept saying, "stop you're my ex's best friend." Clearly he didn't care about his friends so I had to try something different because I couldn't bare to have him get any farther than he had already gotten. I can't imagine what could have happened. I am thankful that I have a way with words and was able to convince him that if I could pull my pants back up I'd give him a blow job. Thankfully he fell for it. I don't think I've ever run so fast in my life. Adrenaline, panic, fear, and anxiety are the things that got me through.
It was this event that turned my life around. It's this moment that made me the square, anti-fun, sit-alone-at-home-on-Friday-night-reading-science-magazines that I am today. Though the transition hasn't been easy and I was a mess for most of the time (and still am), I think I've nearly become comfortable with myself. I still have trouble being alone, I still feel like puking when I see him around town. I still struggle. I'm having less fun now, but I think in the end I'll be better off.
The whole point of this blog was not to tell a tale, or spill my secrets, but to post some songs from my previous life. This is what I used to listen to. Proudly I can say I still do.
Here goes:
The Hip always make my days brighter:
Best for last :]
Lastly, this is why I wanted to play the guitar:
On my drive home tonight I was thinking about my past life and who I once was. I was a train wreck waiting to happen, but I was really happy, and very healthy at the time. I was a machine. I made a lot of mistakes, and I have a lot of regrets from those days, but I was happy while making them. When I sit here and think about it, I can almost see those days happening before me and I imagine God looking down at me shaking his head and rolling his eyes thinking, "Where did I go wrong with that one?" Back then God really got my left overs, no, he got the left overs the dog wouldn't eat. I knew God, but not anything like I do today.
I was a wreck. I slept around a lot and I got really drunk almost every night. I was self-sabotaging, and self-destructive. I played guys like they were board games: at one point I was seeing four boys, four boys, and I got away with it too! I ruined friendships - I was seeing a guy who I really, really, really liked and was crushed when he left to Spain for a few months. So when he left, I started sleeping with his best friend for no reason! Needless to say, when he got back from his trip it was his turn to play me. I was well played and I deserved it. The part that makes me laugh, and it shouldn't, is that he wrote on the bathroom wall at his work place, "For a good time call ***, she'll suck your di%k and take it in the a$$," (which isn't true) and I got quite a few calls. The worst part was that I had a really good job in insurance and blew it - I quit because I'd rather work at the bar where I can drink for free whenever I wanted to. I was such a mess and then some.
It wasn't until one night where I was nearly raped in a park by a "friend" that my eyes opened to what my life had become. He was supposed to be walking me home to my best friend's place a few blocks away. We'd made it 2 blocks before he had pulled me into a park, pushed me down, pulled my pants down, held me down with his knees and put his fingers inside of me. All I could do was scream but at that time of the night and place in this city there are never people around, so it was no use. He kept saying that, "it was going to feel good and that I would like it." I kept saying, "stop you're my ex's best friend." Clearly he didn't care about his friends so I had to try something different because I couldn't bare to have him get any farther than he had already gotten. I can't imagine what could have happened. I am thankful that I have a way with words and was able to convince him that if I could pull my pants back up I'd give him a blow job. Thankfully he fell for it. I don't think I've ever run so fast in my life. Adrenaline, panic, fear, and anxiety are the things that got me through.
It was this event that turned my life around. It's this moment that made me the square, anti-fun, sit-alone-at-home-on-Friday-night-reading-science-magazines that I am today. Though the transition hasn't been easy and I was a mess for most of the time (and still am), I think I've nearly become comfortable with myself. I still have trouble being alone, I still feel like puking when I see him around town. I still struggle. I'm having less fun now, but I think in the end I'll be better off.
The whole point of this blog was not to tell a tale, or spill my secrets, but to post some songs from my previous life. This is what I used to listen to. Proudly I can say I still do.
Here goes:
The Hip always make my days brighter:
Best for last :]
Lastly, this is why I wanted to play the guitar:
December 29, 2010
i fear love just as i fear death
I would give you my heart if you simply ask.
My feelings are pure, honest, and true. I want your comfort, your soul, your heart. When you are near I feel a certainty within my own soul. Many times I dared to tell you how much I care, but I cannot. I set out to toss a bottle containing a single sentence made from seven small words, but never made it to the ocean. Out of fear I never took that drive. Once that bottle is tossed I can't take it back - it becomes permanent. It becomes a beacon of my constant agony.
I fell. I fell for the beautiful words that flutter from your extraordinary mind. I fell for your actions, your dreams, your ability to stir things up every now and again. I fell for the chances you take that nobody else dares. I fell for the small surprises you give me, and the things you teach me each day. When you lay next to me everything is okay, it's as it should be. The monotony of life disappears; I forget about my struggles and sorrows. All is well in the world – perfect, simple and true. I love that. I also love that I don’t feel the constant need to talk; somehow it feels as if our hearts are doing the talking for us. With you, our silence is comfortable and conversation comes easily. I allowed you to move my soul. Even after a year, my heart skips a beat at the sight of you, and my breath is taken at the sound of your voice.
I want to witness everything: your triumphs, and conquests. I want to be your companion and your ally. I want to walk with you in your times of anguish, and hardship, though I don’t see there being many. I have fallen in love with you twice. Though you were not always the same person, you merely shared the same casing. The first time I was unaware of your true magnificence, and beauty, the second time was by far the best feeling I have ever felt. Allowing me to fall and delve into your soul was the best gift you could ever give me. For everything; there is not one thing I would change, you are perfect in every way.
You see Rob; I fear love just as I fear death. I fear that if I tell you this, this love I feel for you is unrequited, and it is apt to leave my heart hanging heavily in my chest. I fear the tears I shall shed will never cease. It was once said, “Waiting hurts. Forgetting hurts. But not knowing which decision to take is the worst of suffering." It is true. This is exactly how I feel.
Original message in a bottle: “Simply, I am in love with you.”
My feelings are pure, honest, and true. I want your comfort, your soul, your heart. When you are near I feel a certainty within my own soul. Many times I dared to tell you how much I care, but I cannot. I set out to toss a bottle containing a single sentence made from seven small words, but never made it to the ocean. Out of fear I never took that drive. Once that bottle is tossed I can't take it back - it becomes permanent. It becomes a beacon of my constant agony.
I fell. I fell for the beautiful words that flutter from your extraordinary mind. I fell for your actions, your dreams, your ability to stir things up every now and again. I fell for the chances you take that nobody else dares. I fell for the small surprises you give me, and the things you teach me each day. When you lay next to me everything is okay, it's as it should be. The monotony of life disappears; I forget about my struggles and sorrows. All is well in the world – perfect, simple and true. I love that. I also love that I don’t feel the constant need to talk; somehow it feels as if our hearts are doing the talking for us. With you, our silence is comfortable and conversation comes easily. I allowed you to move my soul. Even after a year, my heart skips a beat at the sight of you, and my breath is taken at the sound of your voice.
I want to witness everything: your triumphs, and conquests. I want to be your companion and your ally. I want to walk with you in your times of anguish, and hardship, though I don’t see there being many. I have fallen in love with you twice. Though you were not always the same person, you merely shared the same casing. The first time I was unaware of your true magnificence, and beauty, the second time was by far the best feeling I have ever felt. Allowing me to fall and delve into your soul was the best gift you could ever give me. For everything; there is not one thing I would change, you are perfect in every way.
You see Rob; I fear love just as I fear death. I fear that if I tell you this, this love I feel for you is unrequited, and it is apt to leave my heart hanging heavily in my chest. I fear the tears I shall shed will never cease. It was once said, “Waiting hurts. Forgetting hurts. But not knowing which decision to take is the worst of suffering." It is true. This is exactly how I feel.
Original message in a bottle: “Simply, I am in love with you.”
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