No Babies for This Lady!

That awkward moment when your mom sees your half-read copy of Parenting With a Purpose on your table and asks, "Oh, what's this!?" excitedly. The worst part: she so badly wants to be a Grandma.

California though the iPhone.

I'm not into going through the photos from my cannon so here's my California trip to see my mom and dad for Easter through my instagram account. Laziness.

Much love, my dear friends. 

Family pedicure day at one of those places that takes ten at a time for the low cost of $15.00 each. My vice. 

Santa Monica Dreaming. Where I sat quietly to plan and contemplate.

Common site from around my parent's house. Old farts and golf carts... 

Still wearing the wool sweater...in my defence it was early morning... 

Dinner with friends and family. Lavender. I love lavender. The waitress thought the sea bass was fresh. She said this after stating it came from the Indian Ocean. Last I checked California was on the Pacific... I ordered the steak with a pineapple, kamquat glaze. 

My sister is so beautiful. 

Notice the mint putter. The only way to golf is with style!

My first cactus. Sadly it's in a garden... 

How was your Easter?

My sibs!

I was a serious pink-wearing gangster in my youth.

40 days of Lent.

Lent. Lenten Season. I shall sacrifice for Him. As feeble as my attempt may be.

I don’t know everything about Lent, and I am not so sure how it is supposed to look, but I do know it's not what you give up; it's what you do in attitude. I suppose the only way to really appreciate this is by participation, worship, and a whole lot of prayer.

This year, my first year participating, I am attempting to give up Facebook for 40 days. I know saying, "I quit Facebook." doesn't sound like I am doing very much for Him when he sacrificed so much for me.  But have faith; what I am hoping to do with the time I typically spend on Facebook is much greater than one may think.

Life is about loving, living and laughing-together. I am trusting that the time I normally waste on Facebook can be used to enrich my relationship with Our Father, my friends, and family. I want to give them the love and time they deserve. 

When I got sick two years ago with Crohn’s Disease my social life got put on the back burner, and so, my life as a social butterfly stopped dead in its tracks. I have yet to devote the same time and energy into my friend’s lives as I used to. I hope to use Lent as my justification to jump back into life, my old life. The life where my loved ones were the centre of my life; their happiness was the key to my happiness. 

I am largely indebted to my friends who stuck by my side when I sauntered sadly through my darkest days; I owe so much to my community for the resources I’ve been handed through this period. I won’t only be out gallivanting about in social festivities, but I will also be reserving moments of peace. I believe this attitude I am taking about Lent, is also about slowing down, breathing deeply, and taking the time to remind myself what Lent is about and why we celebrate in it. 

I am hoping I can open my heart to hear what He has to say, and give back what He has given to me.

Happy First Birthday Luna!

Luna,

Though it has been a long year, you've taught me more than your small brain is capable of comprehending. Maybe I'm wrong. You do always seem to know it is 5 o'clock before I do.

You've taught me to love when I didn't think there would be reason to love.
You've taught me patience and self-control, and you have been more than patient with me. I thank you.
You've shown me laughter is the best medicine.
You've literally wiped many tears from my face, though not with soft tissue, but with your disgusting tongue-which makes it impossible to shed another tear.

Though you can't properly get into "place", or roll over at my first request, I somehow have faith we'll be okay. Whatever you are getting out of this mess of a relationship we have together, I can only hope it is as meaningful to you as it is to me.

Here's to another, for lack of a better word, interesting year, my love.

Devil's Advocate

Sometimes you gotta go a little crazy. Sometimes you gotta call your best friend and let it all out. Sometimes you gotta talk about your inner demons, and cry. A lot. And sometimes in public. But at least, your best friend has your hand. And tissue.

I've been my own devil's advocate lately. The devil in me has been testing, rather wearing out, my positive side. Breaking me down. I'm losing sight of myself.

I do not care to expand. I think it is time for me to step back in order to figure it all out.

I've lost touch with my sense of purpose. I have lost sight of God's plan for me. I thought I had it figured out, I was pleased with the Grace He has showered upon me. But, I am lost. Maybe I have lost sight of God. I seem to give Him my leftovers, maybe... I dunno? I need some time.




But the LORD has become my fortress,
and my God the rock in whom I take refuge.
-Psalm 94:22

Family.

Today I am thankful, and so very jealous, of the gift that is family.

It has been really nice to visit with a completely new-to-me family. I've enjoyed listening to the reminiscing of stories that are not mine; I love that they still laugh over them-as my family would. I love that they bicker in front of me; I love that they've requested Justin and I to take separate rooms. I love that they made it easy for me not to miss my own as much.

Today I thank God for Justin's family.

Merry Christmas.

First off: Happy Birthday To Jesus. Today, and everyday I live for Him. I celebrate Him. Each day I try to be better for Him. It feels good to give back what He has given me.

I hope that you've all had the chance to celebrate whatever it is that you celebrate: family, love, God, or whatever. I hope it was lovely for you. I hope you ate, and laughed with your loved ones. I hope you stumbled upon new traditions, and practiced the old ones too. I hope you snuggled on the couch, and had the chance to dust off your ice skates. I hope you indulged in delicious hot cocoa. Because, these are only a few of my cherished Christmas memories, but essential for the holiday season.

My Christmas with Justin has been fantastic. We've done nearly nothing except eat good food and surround ourselves with his closest loved ones while laughing a lot. When I was thinking about coming here, I was incredibly frightened by all of these new-to-me traditions, new faces, and new food. But in the end, I was being overly dramatic. It has been lovely.

It's been a long, suffocating week for me. It's been full of please-God-won't-you-do-something lamentations. And a few loud, unanswered, Why's?

I'd like a break. I still feel loss, torn, and broken. I am still very confused and I have been praying nonstop for a relaxing Christmas Vacation so I can have time to figure it all out. So God can show me the answers to my questions in His own way.

I am ready for a break, a break where I can feel peace within me, hopeful for my future and surround myself with loved ones.

I always have really high expectations for this season; I wish each Christmas break is filled with a week of cuddling on the couch with classic Christmas movies, hot chocolate, late nights board game sessions, Christmas Light Tours, and tree hunting with the ones I love.

Most often it is spent in a whirlwind racing to wrap last minute gifts and trying to beat the clock. Perhaps this year I will simply try to enjoy the silent minutes in the chaos.

"Time stands still best in moments that look suspiciously like ordinary life."

- Brian Andreas

dream big

I am gathering information and employing my imagination in preparing myself for what is to come: Life.

My 29th birthday is rapidly approaching and I feel as if 30 is a shorter distance away; it is time to get going before the going has up and left me.

It is easy for me to feel as though my life has no purpose and is without meaning - as you know, this is not the life I would have chosen if it were up to me. I know I am an important role in my work place as it could not function without me, but that does not automatically fill one with the satisfaction and lust for life that one needs.

My passion is in food. I don’t mean the mundane task of eating the food placed in front of us at each meal. I mean the bringing together of our loved ones; the reuniting with long lost friends; the falling in love with a stranger. We build our lives around food. We nourish our souls along side our family and friends. Our busy lives disconnect and separate us, but dinner will always encourage sharing and warmth.

It is in these moments while gathered around the table that I love to step back and watch life unfold its beauty. I take pleasure in knowing that a simple dish can create life. It brings reminiscing, makes plans for the future, and comforts us in ways only our loved ones know how.

Therefore, the way I see it, the maker of food makes life. Who wouldn’t want to be a chef?

- "Be ignited, or be gone." - Mary Oliver

Cody

We've lost a beautiful soul today.

I have never lost a friend to death before - this is a first. I didn't realize exactly how hard it would hit me even though I have had a few days to process it. I realize that grief has the power to paralyze. It can stop you and make you go breathless, and you might never be the same.

Neither have I watched a friend lose their son before. I'm lucky that I have little experience with death, save my grandparents. I cannot imagine the sorrow one must feel.

It's sadness that gets me, that takes my breath away, that stops me in my tracks and makes me look at the sky and wonder: Why?

As a believer, as a person who trusts that there is more to this life than this, I hope and pray that his life is only over here. That somewhere, somehow, he is laughing and dancing and reuniting.

But here?

Here there is hurt. And confusion. And loss.

When death comes, to a loved one, to a parent, we reflect. And we wonder. And deep down, we remember: This gift will not last forever. We don't have to do anything spectacular with it, we just have to recognize it. Be grateful for it. Relish in it.

Cody has been moved to Vancouver and will be on life support for as long as it is possible. His heart beats strong, but there is no activity in his brain. They say it isn't likely, but we're all hoping for a miracle. His daughter is expected to enter this world next week.

What a mess. A heart breaking mess. I cannot imagine how his mother feels right now.

Life is fragile and we must remember to embrace it fully. We must also not forget to wear out and over use those three little, important words.

Please continue to pray for him and his family.

Family!

We're crazy. We hate each other. We love each other. We live together. We work together. We call each other. On weekends we eat together. Next weekend we're travelling together to see more family!

Float or Paddle?

I always thought my life would be a little bit more profound than this.

This would be the time my grandmother might say something like this:

"You know Mary Anne Radmacher once said, 'Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, ‘I will try again tomorrow.” and it would resonate within my soul. I'd leave the conversation thinking maybe all is fair and just in this world.

But the truth of the matter is, this time, I am actually really bored. I know that bored people are only boring souls - and maybe it's not that I am bored, but rather unchallenged. In fact, bored is the wrong word all together - I always have things to do to keep me busy, but I've done these things year in and year out. I'm feeding my soul Kraft Dinner, if you will.

Tonight my response to her might be:

"Time is running out, Grandma." Because, it is.

Some days you wake up feeling good about the life you've created, and others you think back and wonder at which point in life you allowed your flame die out? When it happens, it's a startling realization.

I've come to a really big fork in life: float, or paddle. 'Courage doesn't always roar.' or 'I will try again tomorrow.'

Grams!

My grandma says the best things. I am proud to say that I can see a lot of myself in her. She is wonderful.
The highlights of this week's conversation were so good I should share:

"It sure is getting to be an awful world, isn't it?" - When we were talking about the escalating divorce rates, why nobody can get along anymore, and why I am still single. :]

I always ask her to tell me something about my grandpa's life and about their life together and what it was like for them. My grandpa died when I was pretty young so I didn't get the chance to find out for myself. Plus, she loves to talk about him. They were and still are very in love. I only hope I get that.

"They should just let people do what makes them happy, there are so many laws and rules these days." - We were talking about how I have to keep my dog on a leash all the time. She thought dogs would be happier too if they could just play with each other whenever they wanted to.

"I think I will just go and set a fire in the hallway, that'll get some of these old farts moving a bit!" - When I asked her what she was going to do with the rest of her night. She's been in an old folks home for almost three years and hates every minute of it. I can't say I would feel any different. Her life has become very scheduled.

Lastly, "Take it easy on those boys around there, you're a lot like me when I was your age and I know what I would be doing." - I don't really know what she means by this.

Yes, indeed I love her.

money can't buy my happiness or love

Spilled the beans about the culinary arts interview on Monday because I was so excited I couldn't contain myself... Thought they'd be proud/happy for me. Wrong
If I stay here, I get a significant raise...
I don't want a raise, I want to be happy.
My family doesn't understand faith, happiness or dreams
They only understand the bottom line, money in the bank, big houses and fancy cars.
I feel stuck - obligated to my family.
I feel like I've sold my soul to my family and didn't get a receipt.

I think if I go, I will be shunned. Maybe that's what I have to do and hope they will understand.

Advice: Never open a family operated business; it'll ruin your family's relationship and tightness.