40 days of Lent.

Lent. Lenten Season. I shall sacrifice for Him. As feeble as my attempt may be.

I don’t know everything about Lent, and I am not so sure how it is supposed to look, but I do know it's not what you give up; it's what you do in attitude. I suppose the only way to really appreciate this is by participation, worship, and a whole lot of prayer.

This year, my first year participating, I am attempting to give up Facebook for 40 days. I know saying, "I quit Facebook." doesn't sound like I am doing very much for Him when he sacrificed so much for me.  But have faith; what I am hoping to do with the time I typically spend on Facebook is much greater than one may think.

Life is about loving, living and laughing-together. I am trusting that the time I normally waste on Facebook can be used to enrich my relationship with Our Father, my friends, and family. I want to give them the love and time they deserve. 

When I got sick two years ago with Crohn’s Disease my social life got put on the back burner, and so, my life as a social butterfly stopped dead in its tracks. I have yet to devote the same time and energy into my friend’s lives as I used to. I hope to use Lent as my justification to jump back into life, my old life. The life where my loved ones were the centre of my life; their happiness was the key to my happiness. 

I am largely indebted to my friends who stuck by my side when I sauntered sadly through my darkest days; I owe so much to my community for the resources I’ve been handed through this period. I won’t only be out gallivanting about in social festivities, but I will also be reserving moments of peace. I believe this attitude I am taking about Lent, is also about slowing down, breathing deeply, and taking the time to remind myself what Lent is about and why we celebrate in it. 

I am hoping I can open my heart to hear what He has to say, and give back what He has given to me.

I'm crying over food again.
Yesterday was so easy.
Today I hate everything.

Carolyn: I'm lucky to have you

I started the day by asking my friends to simply write their name in a box. With each name entered, M&M Meat Shop will donate a dollar for research on Chron's Disease and Colitis. Which I've got!

Right away my friends sent me messages and commented on the link that they had done it, but one of them took it even farther and made me cry. Carolyn posted the link onto her page and then also to onto her work's page, The Lair Centre. The moment I saw her mentions to this, I welled up and Thanked God for her. I could go on for days about this lovely girl, but I won't - take it from me, God radiates through her.

It's not too late to enter your name in the box either: Click Here

Carolyn, you're one of the most generous people I know - I am truly blessed.

For the LAIR Centre's facebook page (that's loaded with all kinds of good advice and information): Click Here

Phase 1:

I'd be lying if I said this diet was easy. It's the most difficult thing I've done, in a sense that it is stealing one hundred percent of my thinking capacity. I am constantly consumed with thoughts of food I cannot eat. It's especially hard at home when I am bored, or with people who have the freedom to consume without caution. It's also awkward and time-consuming. An fine example: Post race used to be chocolate milk, Friday I ate a meatball. WTF?

I hate ground beef unless it is smothered in cheese and bacon, wedged between a bun. Meatballs. Plain meatballs. Cardboard for dinner anyone?

I am sick of the "safe" food, and have resorted to skipping meals entirely. I know this method of ignorance is only going to lead me into a mad binge shortly. They said it would be hard, and they were not joking. I feel better, but in my own state of misery, I am wondering if this torture is worth it.

I need to develop a success partner.

I'm praying for strength.

It feels a little like Christmas Eve tonight.

I am starting the SCD Diet tomorrow; there is no sense waiting for the perfect time, as that never comes. I'm excited for this journey, but a little sad at the same time. I am sad to see my freedom to experiment with food and ingredients in the kitchen go, and it'll be a little more challenging than it already is in social situations. It was hard enough with the no gluten, diary, beef, garlic and many-other-awesome-things diet. On the other hand, I am filled with hope, as I am desperate to feel human again. Next month marks a solid two years of feeling questionable. T.F.L.

So, I spent the evening telling my dog all of the reasons why this will be good for the both of us as I cleared about $200.00 worth food from the cupboards and fridge - thankfully I have some friends who like food as much as I do.

I am also in the middle of preparing my meals for the next 5 days, as that's what they do on this thing. So I've decided to break from watching a pot of carrots boil for four hours to tell you what's on my menu this week.

Don't be jealous. Please?

Breakfast: hard boiled eggs, homemade grape jello, and chicken stock if I am still hungry.

Lunch: Chicken stock, pureed carrots, and homemade grape jello.

Dinner: Meatballs, chicken stock, and pureed carrots. And you've guessed it, homemade grape jello if I am still hungry.

It could be worse, it could be pureed tomatoes.

In all seriousness, I am asking for you to please pray for me. I don't like to ask, but this time I am.

God Bless,

-K

P.S. If you are not in perfect health, you should seriously consider getting there. Do whatever it is necessary - eat right, exercise, do yoga, get a check-up, meditate, take your vitamins, see somebody - I don't care what you have to do to get right, just get there. Take it from me, nothing is worse than being forced to sit back and watch the others have all the fun.

Sometimes when I eat, I get really dizzy and my legs go numb.

have not been feeling well for the last two and a half weeks. back to the ol' liquid diet. joy.

It's been a while since I've cried.

Well folks, I think my little remission is O-V-E-R. Brief? Indeed.

All week I've been constantly consumed with this idea. I don't like to say things out loud, because then they become true.

I suppose I should be thankful and grateful for these four months - that was what I had spent so long praying for - a break from my Hell -but I am being selfish. I am not ready to go back yet.

It was good. I ran until it hurt, I hiked, biked, and canoed. I pushed around on my skateboard. I was even lucky enough to snatch up a boyfriend. I just hope he likes me enough to stay through what may come. Though if he doesn't, I really don't blame him. Nobody wants a sick girlfriend.

Off to sleep; I needed to get that off my chest.

God Bless.
-kels

As the tears roll down my cheek, I thank God it is only mild.

Today, along with the pain, I am also struggling with the, "Why me?" thing.

Ingesting liquid meals and hunching over all day is not something a 28 year old should be doing.

mostly, i am tired

I was correct; I did not like this weekend. I am thankful it will be a short week for me as I need a relief from some of the things that are currently causing stress. I've got the stress hives to prove it.


I am off to Vancouver this week for a bone density scan, which I have yet to research what this entails. I fear that my bones may actually be thinning; often I am in a lot of pain and my finger did break from walking the dog and it is taking longer than usual to heal.


I am excited I get to see Bodhi Jones in Vancouver on Friday, he has been a favourite of mine for some time. I even have a date to this spectacular event; lucky me. I plan to do some hiking and actually see Vancouver while I am there. Usually I fly down the day before and come back the day after not leaving any time to really explore the city. I hear it is quite lovely, and I still plan to go to Culinary Arts School there next year. It'd be nice if I was in love with the city and looked forward to leaving my current location. I hate when I get sad about leaving this beautiful where I currently live, because it is quite paradise-like.


I've never said it before, and I am sorry it has taken me so long to realize that I've yet to thank you for following me: Thank you for reading my ramblings throughout these dark months. Thank you for your comments and suggestions, several of them have come to me when I needed them most. Though I do not post many of them, take heart they do not go unnoticed, and your voices are heard loudly. I am grateful for any advice or pieces of wisdom that you have offered me. Please enjoy this beautiful day that God has given to us.

My body and bones are so sore again. I can barely bend my wrists and fingers - I hate this. My left hand is swollen, hot and very painful. Taking more and more pills, and feeling less and less encouraged. I've been researching and reading up on ulcerative colitis and it honestly scares the living daylights out of me! If it gets bad, I'm pretty much fucked! (Sorry for the language mom.) I'm 27 and there is no way I should need to remove parts, or all of my colon or large intestine. I've got to stop reading, but I should know what to expect.