losing sight

We come to a point in our lives when we have to attempt to realize what it is exactly that we are fighting for. Determine if it is worth the fight. Some things do need winning over, but there is a fine line between fighting and hanging on; and its chicken-wire thin. At some point we have to realize we are better than this, but somewhere somehow along the way we lose sight of this realization. We long to put someone else first, and when we finally do, we lose sight of what we are fighting for. We lose who we are.

Once you start down that path it is hard to see things with an open mind and a clear head. The perspective is gone. You fight hard without any tangible results. A losing battle, if you will. That's when you look into the mirror to find yourself as someone you're not. Someone a little more crazy than you has taken over. It’s not always a pretty face looking back; the crazy has taken the sparkle from your once beautiful eyes.  

How do we go back? 

I don’t know.

FMH!!

Notice the rainbow?

This is what happens when you just go to anyone!! Just don't! Tolerate your roots until your Girl gets back! Roots smoots. Red, grey, pink, blonde mouse colored rainbow way worse than roots. Learn from me people.

If there is one thing I know, it's that I need a holiday-an escape from my chaos.

I think for my birthday I would like to go somewhere. I've always wanted to see the Grand Canyon. Though not exciting, far or daring, it screams peaceful. Peaceful is all I am asking for.

I could bring in 29 quietly.

You know when your face gets hot, you feel a little dizzy, like you might lose your lunch?

Or when someone says something that just breaks your heart, but deep down you already knew that's what they were going to say, and you could crawl under a rock cursing yourself for being so stupid? "How could you?"

Or when you look up and sheepishly ask, "Why God? I thought this was finally it, no?"

I am sick to my stomach with fear; dizzy in thought; and waiting for the tears.

a new kind of cycling..

I remember when 10 minutes of exercise was peanuts.

Today, after 20 minutes I can't physically turn the pedals any longer.

Devil's Advocate

Sometimes you gotta go a little crazy. Sometimes you gotta call your best friend and let it all out. Sometimes you gotta talk about your inner demons, and cry. A lot. And sometimes in public. But at least, your best friend has your hand. And tissue.

I've been my own devil's advocate lately. The devil in me has been testing, rather wearing out, my positive side. Breaking me down. I'm losing sight of myself.

I do not care to expand. I think it is time for me to step back in order to figure it all out.

I've lost touch with my sense of purpose. I have lost sight of God's plan for me. I thought I had it figured out, I was pleased with the Grace He has showered upon me. But, I am lost. Maybe I have lost sight of God. I seem to give Him my leftovers, maybe... I dunno? I need some time.




But the LORD has become my fortress,
and my God the rock in whom I take refuge.
-Psalm 94:22

Happy New Year Rob.
My, how a year can change things.

I am excited for your new walk in life.

Hard work pays off.

You're proof of that.

Though you're far, you're near. Peace be with you.

It's been a long, suffocating week for me. It's been full of please-God-won't-you-do-something lamentations. And a few loud, unanswered, Why's?

I'd like a break. I still feel loss, torn, and broken. I am still very confused and I have been praying nonstop for a relaxing Christmas Vacation so I can have time to figure it all out. So God can show me the answers to my questions in His own way.

I am ready for a break, a break where I can feel peace within me, hopeful for my future and surround myself with loved ones.

I always have really high expectations for this season; I wish each Christmas break is filled with a week of cuddling on the couch with classic Christmas movies, hot chocolate, late nights board game sessions, Christmas Light Tours, and tree hunting with the ones I love.

Most often it is spent in a whirlwind racing to wrap last minute gifts and trying to beat the clock. Perhaps this year I will simply try to enjoy the silent minutes in the chaos.

"Time stands still best in moments that look suspiciously like ordinary life."

- Brian Andreas

If I am still heart broken and crying, I can't imagine what they are going through.

*Tea helps. But it doesn't really fix anything.

*Thanks, you ;)

My friend got some life-changing news today.

There is nothing I can say or do to make it better.

I can only pray and wipe tears. Not good enough.

My breathe has been taken away and has been replaced with fear, and pain.

Fear, and loss. And pain.

My heart is broken, and I don't really know what to say.

I really don't understand God's plan.

I don't get suffering, and I don't get pain.

I can't grasp why some have it harder than others.


If you can shed some light on this, help me.

If you can have coffee to ease my mind, I would like that too.

Please take care of your selves. Please slow down and ask what the outcome could be. Please ask yourself if what you are doing is really worth it. Is this moment of delight worth the pain and suffering that it might cause?
Life, your very own precious life, is fragile, it can unwind on us at anytime. It's very easily breakable. Sometimes you might not be able to pick up the pieces. Sometimes it can't be put back together.

Loss. Hurt. Confusion. I don't understand your plan God. After my initial shock, my loudest question is why?

Being Ridiculous

I rubbed my leg, calf, ankle and toes for 30 minutes tonight. Then proceeded to talk to it. I sent it positive thoughts and words of encouragement. I told it about the miles we'd soon be covering. Hopefully it helps.

It's less swollen than last week, but still has a painful, tingly sensation on the outer half on my toes and top of the foot.

I am trying hard at remaining pleasant, but on a good day, I can't even stand myself.

Sorry if you've been blessed with my presence lately. But when you lose your independence, and not by choice, it can make one's self bitter. I feel like a burden to those who still remain around me. I am struggling with this as I know it is only building character. However, this current character is not working for me.

My Papaya

Not only did we close down one, but two coffee shops in beautiful conversation. 

I indulged myself in 3 wonderful hours or reminiscing, dreaming, and understanding with one of my girl friends whom I adore. I must admit there were many moments where I had one of those, as Operah calls them, "A-ha! moments," when you suddenly realize you're not alone in your feelings. It's glorious relief. Sitting, so elegantly, across the table from me was someone who is equally hiding the same pain I am. Her worry and hurt is from a different place than mine, but we grieve the same; we feel equally upset; we often feel our self worth is, well the equivalence of dirt. But we are wrong. Sometimes we lose sight of this. 

My dear friend and I, I know we are not alone-and perhaps you too, struggle with the feelings of simply, not being adequate enough.

Perhaps I've set our standards for myself too high, or I witness pressure from society. By not allowing my to become molded into something more acceptable: I've neither married nor reproduced; I've never followed through on any of my career endeavors or dreams, and I hate myself for it. I find it's hard to love myself when I don't feel worthy of who I am-or should be. Or, when it seems like I am always on "Stage Left." Except this isn't a play. I am lost in my own way and for myself, I feel without purpose or direction.

How we overcome these struggles, that I do not know.

I need to cry.

Breathe in, Breathe out.

At least I feel real.

I am choosing to be a sack of $h*t.

All my life I've lived by a guideline I once made; a set of rules I followed for my own idea of success. I've stopped. This is what I gave up:

1. Set Goals

2. Make The Most Of Everyday

3. Be Adventurous

4. Connect

5. Do The Things I Don't Want To

6. Be Disciplined

7. Make A Difference

8. No Complaining

I'm to lazy to call a friend for coffee; I am to lazy to change my attitude, let alone the world!

I gotta pull my head out of my ass and get on with life. It's waiting.

I am currently writing a post on why I think it is important to celebrate all things big and small. Even the things that make you feel sad should be celebrated - I believe.

However, I have not had the time to finish it - I have been reading a lot. These are some good books.

On a completely different note: my cast came off today so I could meet with the surgeon. I am getting the surgery. But that's not the cool part, the cool part is that my left calf muscle is now almost 2 inches smaller than the right.

Okay it's not cool, but it's amazing how the body deteriorates so quickly!

Cody

We've lost a beautiful soul today.

I have never lost a friend to death before - this is a first. I didn't realize exactly how hard it would hit me even though I have had a few days to process it. I realize that grief has the power to paralyze. It can stop you and make you go breathless, and you might never be the same.

Neither have I watched a friend lose their son before. I'm lucky that I have little experience with death, save my grandparents. I cannot imagine the sorrow one must feel.

It's sadness that gets me, that takes my breath away, that stops me in my tracks and makes me look at the sky and wonder: Why?

As a believer, as a person who trusts that there is more to this life than this, I hope and pray that his life is only over here. That somewhere, somehow, he is laughing and dancing and reuniting.

But here?

Here there is hurt. And confusion. And loss.

When death comes, to a loved one, to a parent, we reflect. And we wonder. And deep down, we remember: This gift will not last forever. We don't have to do anything spectacular with it, we just have to recognize it. Be grateful for it. Relish in it.

Cody has been moved to Vancouver and will be on life support for as long as it is possible. His heart beats strong, but there is no activity in his brain. They say it isn't likely, but we're all hoping for a miracle. His daughter is expected to enter this world next week.

What a mess. A heart breaking mess. I cannot imagine how his mother feels right now.

Life is fragile and we must remember to embrace it fully. We must also not forget to wear out and over use those three little, important words.

Please continue to pray for him and his family.

People are being taken from this world too easily and too quickly.

My friend lost her mom a few weeks ago, and this weekend her son.

I question you, God. I question you.

You've done so much good to me, but not for others. Why?

I neither feel grateful for my own life, nor like the shining light I need to be for her.

It hurts me to be okay, and so happy when she's at the very bottom.

You can do nothing to heal those kinds of wounds.

Dear God, give her strength.

Phase 1:

I'd be lying if I said this diet was easy. It's the most difficult thing I've done, in a sense that it is stealing one hundred percent of my thinking capacity. I am constantly consumed with thoughts of food I cannot eat. It's especially hard at home when I am bored, or with people who have the freedom to consume without caution. It's also awkward and time-consuming. An fine example: Post race used to be chocolate milk, Friday I ate a meatball. WTF?

I hate ground beef unless it is smothered in cheese and bacon, wedged between a bun. Meatballs. Plain meatballs. Cardboard for dinner anyone?

I am sick of the "safe" food, and have resorted to skipping meals entirely. I know this method of ignorance is only going to lead me into a mad binge shortly. They said it would be hard, and they were not joking. I feel better, but in my own state of misery, I am wondering if this torture is worth it.

I need to develop a success partner.

I'm praying for strength.

It feels a little like Christmas Eve tonight.

I am starting the SCD Diet tomorrow; there is no sense waiting for the perfect time, as that never comes. I'm excited for this journey, but a little sad at the same time. I am sad to see my freedom to experiment with food and ingredients in the kitchen go, and it'll be a little more challenging than it already is in social situations. It was hard enough with the no gluten, diary, beef, garlic and many-other-awesome-things diet. On the other hand, I am filled with hope, as I am desperate to feel human again. Next month marks a solid two years of feeling questionable. T.F.L.

So, I spent the evening telling my dog all of the reasons why this will be good for the both of us as I cleared about $200.00 worth food from the cupboards and fridge - thankfully I have some friends who like food as much as I do.

I am also in the middle of preparing my meals for the next 5 days, as that's what they do on this thing. So I've decided to break from watching a pot of carrots boil for four hours to tell you what's on my menu this week.

Don't be jealous. Please?

Breakfast: hard boiled eggs, homemade grape jello, and chicken stock if I am still hungry.

Lunch: Chicken stock, pureed carrots, and homemade grape jello.

Dinner: Meatballs, chicken stock, and pureed carrots. And you've guessed it, homemade grape jello if I am still hungry.

It could be worse, it could be pureed tomatoes.

In all seriousness, I am asking for you to please pray for me. I don't like to ask, but this time I am.

God Bless,

-K

P.S. If you are not in perfect health, you should seriously consider getting there. Do whatever it is necessary - eat right, exercise, do yoga, get a check-up, meditate, take your vitamins, see somebody - I don't care what you have to do to get right, just get there. Take it from me, nothing is worse than being forced to sit back and watch the others have all the fun.