God takes the good ones

Yesterday I woke up to some awful news: I had lost a friend to cancer.

29 years old.


It's sad that it takes a death of a loved one to make me reassess my own life, and evaluate relationships.

To celebrate my friend, I'm going to allow myself to say no to things I don't really want to do; take more precious moments to drink tea and sit on the deck; and walk longer with the dogs when I need more alone time. In ways it's sad that I've allowed my life to become full of obligations: committees and organizations to sit-in on, groups, fundraising events, volunteering with my church, and other ridiculous things I've signed up for because I felt I might make a difference, or it could improve my quality of life in one way or another. But the truth is, it hasn't and they won't. The truth is, I am just busy and not very happy.

Tabby was always happy. Even when she was fighting with cancer she still smiled a genuine smile. She was brilliant. I used to try and score better on assignments than her, but could never. She was strong. I've never met a woman more strong or emotionally stable than her. She was the woman you would find yourself opening up to, sharing every detail with as you knew that she would never judge you, or share your words with anyone else. She was elegant and grace-filled. You'd never see her with mustard on her sleeve, or dirt under her nails, but she was never a high-maintence kind of girl either. Just naturally beautiful. I only hope she knew how loved, and admired she is.


It's hard to understand: His plans, the reason He takes the good ones from us so soon. But, I must trust in Him.

No Babies for This Lady!

That awkward moment when your mom sees your half-read copy of Parenting With a Purpose on your table and asks, "Oh, what's this!?" excitedly. The worst part: she so badly wants to be a Grandma.

And they say 24 hours is enough...

7am Bible Study

Coffee

Get to work, refill my coffee while reading my blog list

Justin freaked me out about propellers on his plane not working. eek. Pray and cry for a moment

Clean my office like I had cocaine for breakfast -- wonder why I am not always this energetic

Work like a slave

Traded in my spaceship for a much smaller rocket while eating lunch

Worked more, but less like a slave

Got upset with Jessie, she posts too many posts with shoes I want

Realize I can't have any of them, and that I am broke (see above)

Curse Jessie more. Damn her, and those shoes

Go to physio and learn to run. Terrifying, but amazing at the same time

Attend the monthly book club meeting

Freak out inside while learning Lawrence Hill is coming  here to read from Book of Negroes next week!

Walk the dogs while feeling guilty for not spending very much time with them this week, so I walked them longer than usual

Think about attending the midnight showing of Hunger Games - it would be my first midnight showing - but I decide to wait for my date on Saturday. *sigh* The things you do for boys

Fail (again) to teach Luna to "play dead"

Sleep like a sloth

Good-bye rocket. (Sorry I didn't clean it.)

I love Bible Study. It's nice to talk about God.

FMH!!

Notice the rainbow?

This is what happens when you just go to anyone!! Just don't! Tolerate your roots until your Girl gets back! Roots smoots. Red, grey, pink, blonde mouse colored rainbow way worse than roots. Learn from me people.

He's cute, period

I am about to put myself in the proverbial dog house. I can't help it, the world needs to know how cute he is.

I taught Justin to knit. He's a natural.

It's been a long, suffocating week for me. It's been full of please-God-won't-you-do-something lamentations. And a few loud, unanswered, Why's?

I'd like a break. I still feel loss, torn, and broken. I am still very confused and I have been praying nonstop for a relaxing Christmas Vacation so I can have time to figure it all out. So God can show me the answers to my questions in His own way.

I am ready for a break, a break where I can feel peace within me, hopeful for my future and surround myself with loved ones.

I always have really high expectations for this season; I wish each Christmas break is filled with a week of cuddling on the couch with classic Christmas movies, hot chocolate, late nights board game sessions, Christmas Light Tours, and tree hunting with the ones I love.

Most often it is spent in a whirlwind racing to wrap last minute gifts and trying to beat the clock. Perhaps this year I will simply try to enjoy the silent minutes in the chaos.

"Time stands still best in moments that look suspiciously like ordinary life."

- Brian Andreas

My Papaya

Not only did we close down one, but two coffee shops in beautiful conversation. 

I indulged myself in 3 wonderful hours or reminiscing, dreaming, and understanding with one of my girl friends whom I adore. I must admit there were many moments where I had one of those, as Operah calls them, "A-ha! moments," when you suddenly realize you're not alone in your feelings. It's glorious relief. Sitting, so elegantly, across the table from me was someone who is equally hiding the same pain I am. Her worry and hurt is from a different place than mine, but we grieve the same; we feel equally upset; we often feel our self worth is, well the equivalence of dirt. But we are wrong. Sometimes we lose sight of this. 

My dear friend and I, I know we are not alone-and perhaps you too, struggle with the feelings of simply, not being adequate enough.

Perhaps I've set our standards for myself too high, or I witness pressure from society. By not allowing my to become molded into something more acceptable: I've neither married nor reproduced; I've never followed through on any of my career endeavors or dreams, and I hate myself for it. I find it's hard to love myself when I don't feel worthy of who I am-or should be. Or, when it seems like I am always on "Stage Left." Except this isn't a play. I am lost in my own way and for myself, I feel without purpose or direction.

How we overcome these struggles, that I do not know.

I'm off!

I'm leaving this cold, dark place tomorrow for something slightly warmer, and a a whole lot wetter. I am getting surgery on my Achilles Tendon on Friday. My mister is coming along for support because I cry like a girl around needles. (I needed my sister to hold me a few years back when I had to get a measly little flu shot. Ask her - I was a mess!)

I don't even know what to do with my own self while lying in a hospital bed for two days let alone with him watching me lay there. We may end up just staring at each other trying to remember how to relax. And chances are he may get sick of me because I plan to attach myself to his side. I plan to ask him for a million stories. Oh wait. I already do that. Sorry Mister.

Here's to hoping this goes well, and that I don't wake up alone in the supply closet, again.

Amen!

This should also apply to sports.

fun looks like this:

seriously cute boy who's really a "man", pros and cons list, wind!, coconut lemongrass soup, mountain store, water colour art, hand puppets, funny fur hat, fish swim up streets, museum visit, gorgeous dog, reid falls, cemetery stories, illegal parking, tea - finally! long steep hills, fallen rocks: everyone helps, romantic beach walk, talking without being spoken to, snow bets, Kaija and Costa chats at the grocery store, drunk lady getting arrested, finding my keys, tasty man salad.


The mister with my dog at Reid Falls (He's cute hey?) :


To be a good samaritans you need easily accessible gloves at all times - you never know when the next rock slide might happen:

But in all seriousness, these people are pretty awesome to stop and help clean up the highway.

Justin about Justin

I love my text conversations with this kid. My best friend.






K: Where is the wedding invite?
J: Haven't asked her yet. Saving for the perfect ring.
K: I'm excited you've found the person you want to wake up to with everyday.
J: Me too! What about you. How's your boyfriend situation going?
K: I swear he is the male version of me, just cuter.
J: Hahaha! Oh no, what's his name again?
K: Justin.
J: Isn't that weird?
J: Is he short like me?
K: No. He's tall, and sexy. Hah!
J: Haha! You just miss me.
K: A lot, a lot, a lot! I do. :)
J: We had a lot of fun together
J: Do you remember when we pretended to make out in the bar so that stalker would leave you alone?
K: EW! I blacked that out! Oh Gawd, thanks for that. He was scary, and I don't think he had teeth, did he?
J: I still get nightmares about that day!
K: GAAHHH! Thanks Justin!

...haha! I'm not that bad, am I?

This week has been wonderful:

sunshine - nearly 24 hours of it
phone dates x 2 wonderful people - finally
NKOTBSB v.i.p tickets - thanks to Linds
nail painting :]
many long runs
painting my office
finishing good books
homemade iced tea
garage sales
coffee dates
photo wall addition
babies!
sunstroke
skateboarding
hiking
BIG BROTHERS AND SISTERS FINALLY ACCEPTED ME (2 years later...)

This weekend I plan to plant some flowers. I'm no green thumb; what I do to them is just torture. I am in love with summer, I wish that it was longer.

My Dearest Rob,

I miss my friend Rob:

I miss our chats about God, life, music, and every other nonsensical topic. Sometimes we didn't talk - we sat - we listened to nothing.

I miss bringing him food he never ate but he'd never tell me that - I just knew.

I miss the days we (or, maybe it was just I) stalked each others facebook, blog and YouTube pages. We called - we wrote. To me it still wasn't enough Rob. I knew things before he did. And I am sure he did too.

I miss our "random Baked meetings" that sometimes weren't so random. And often not long enough.

I miss a challenge at a good game of crib in the middle of the night.

I miss not telling him everything - all of the time. Luckily for him, he just gets the good stuff.

Sometimes you can live just down the hall from your best friend and it can feel like a journey of many miles just to get there and be no answer. For that, I miss insomnia. I miss our less busy times, when our schedules were a little more in-sync.

I might be bias, but this is, in my opinion, his best piece:

A Tale of Unquenchable Desire

Chapter 1. The Uninterested Lass
It all started not so long ago on a mild November afternoon. She was quite nervous and he wasn’t sure of the trail. Afterwards they would sip tea and he would think she was cute, for we hope more than just her toque. After many moons came and went she’d finally realize this boy was the coveted grand prize. It was in an innocent moment when he explained to her the rules of a game played with a racquet, which oddly, made her heart skip a beat.

Chapter 2. High Steaks
On one cold, stormy March evening he took her to a movie about fishing and hiking, which really turned her crank. Poker would be played; bets would be lost; and drinks would be drank. It was late, or rather, it was in the early hours of the morning when he’d finished paying his dues by serenading her, that she had wanted him to kiss her. She knew he was thinking likewise, and even asked him what he was thinking about, but he was a wee bit too shy to make the first move. Eventually, after tiring of her pleading with him, he confessed via text that he held a deep desire to pounce on her from across the couch and have his way with her right then! Instead, he was a proper gentleman and saw her to the door to wish her a pleasant evening. You see folks, this was only the first of many bets to come.


Chapter 3. Drinking Wine with a Fox
After one long week and a game of twenty questions they were together again, but this time she had brought him to a place where she would drink semi-chilled wine and he would consume beer - warm, and straight from the box. What a man! Snowy owls were perched, and once more she nervously longed to be kissed. This evening was different from the last, this time they both knew exactly how the other felt about this all important matter of kissing. As the night was nearing an end, he was giving her that same curious look that cannot mean anything else other than I’ve-got-to-have-you-right-now, so she asked him to explain himself, and he did. Simply, he leaned in and kissed her just the way she liked it, and put one hand on her waist to draw her near. Her checks flushed, and she melted.


* A note to readers: This story was supposed to consist of only run-on sentences; I was going for the record. Thankfully it's not, but sorry there are more than a few.
Enjoy
-K

all with a smile

Laundry advice, maple glazed salmon with quinoa salad, clean dishes, walks with red wine in plastic cups, conversation, freezing hands, Conan O'Brien, vanilla soy ice cream, sports radio: let's do it again.

Grams!

My grandma says the best things. I am proud to say that I can see a lot of myself in her. She is wonderful.
The highlights of this week's conversation were so good I should share:

"It sure is getting to be an awful world, isn't it?" - When we were talking about the escalating divorce rates, why nobody can get along anymore, and why I am still single. :]

I always ask her to tell me something about my grandpa's life and about their life together and what it was like for them. My grandpa died when I was pretty young so I didn't get the chance to find out for myself. Plus, she loves to talk about him. They were and still are very in love. I only hope I get that.

"They should just let people do what makes them happy, there are so many laws and rules these days." - We were talking about how I have to keep my dog on a leash all the time. She thought dogs would be happier too if they could just play with each other whenever they wanted to.

"I think I will just go and set a fire in the hallway, that'll get some of these old farts moving a bit!" - When I asked her what she was going to do with the rest of her night. She's been in an old folks home for almost three years and hates every minute of it. I can't say I would feel any different. Her life has become very scheduled.

Lastly, "Take it easy on those boys around there, you're a lot like me when I was your age and I know what I would be doing." - I don't really know what she means by this.

Yes, indeed I love her.

Oh Lord, Kum Ba Yah!

My guitar lessons were today! I'll get there eventually, I hope! My money is probably the easiest money he's ever made. :] I am learning this little Spanish jam so I mentioned to my sister that I would rather have an acoustic guitar so that we could play campfire songs together and she could sing the songs (because she is less shy than I am). Which lead to us singing the entire Kum Ba Yah song together with the hand gestures and all! We made the others laugh until they cried. I love when we get together and become goofy; It reminds me not to take life so seriously.

Roommate love:

A text conversation between my roommate and I:

Jer: "How's the party!? Bar?"
Kels: "Dunno, didn't go, how's yours?"
Jer: "Movie Party!"
Jer: "Why didn't you go!?!? Grow up Kels get out and meet some dudes!"
Kels: "I know."

The end.

My sister kills me; there is nobody more honest than her.

Our morning conversation:

Kelsey "I signed up for advanced swimming lessons, do you think I will get a badge like we did when we were on the team, and we had that little book of all the colourful badges?"

Carrie "Probably not, they stopped doing that. That's why I joined girl guides; to get all the badges. I had so many badges there was no more room on my sash."

I laughed so hard I cried. This is the best comment to come out of her mouth in a long time!

Honestly, I love you.

New Year's Eve makes me think about where I am in this storybook of life; is it the beginning, or the end? Hopefully closer to the beginning rather than the end, but wherever I am at in this walk, I am thankful for every moment spent with you guys. The times we laughed until it hurt, the times we cried because we hurt, the lessons you’ve taught me, and the gifts you’ve given me will never go unnoticed or become forgotten. I would relive every broken heart and bone (I can say that now :)) because where I am at right now, is exactly where I want to be. It has taken a lot of struggling and fumbling along the way to learn that every day is a chance for new beginnings, and to become better for myself and you guys.

Though we all make our own choices and our paths are not always straight, we all end up the same in the end; it is remembering to enjoy the messes we create in the middle that is called life. I don’t know what I did, or who I was in my previous life to deserve every wonderful person and thing I have in my present life, but I know at the end of the day I get down on my knees and thank God for you. I pray that this is the year for each of you, that your dreams come true, that your struggles and strife become victories and those battles are easily conquered. I am only now, 27 years into it, just beginning to understand my purpose in life, though it may be too complex to comprehend and I don’t think anyone could ever truly understand the specifics of His plan, I am merely allowing God’s hand to guide my way.

Though I don’t spend a lot of time with you anymore, and my phone calls to you are few and far between you are never far from my thoughts. No matter how much time passes between our get-togethers, and Skype dates, please take heart you’re always with me. I am who I am because of you, and for that I am grateful. Thank you.

Simply, I am asking that whatever you do, and wherever you go this year, to take a moment or two to care for yourself. That life is indeed very fragile; it is a gift and can be taken from us at any second. I do not nearly say it enough, but I do truly love you guys and thank you for loving me back as I make countless blunders in my journey.

Happy New Years