30 before 30: Qualify for New York Marathon

I didn't qualify today. I did not come close, but I feel ever so proud of myself and my running journey. 

September 23, 2012 marked the one year anniversary of completely rupturing my achillie's tendon while playing squash. Today I ran The Goodlife Fitness Victoria Marathon!! I finished in 4 hours, 11 minutes and 18 seconds. I got 38 out of 129 in my category and was the 264th female to cross the line out of 837 awesome women. I was hoping to be under 4 hours, but I must say I feel pretty proud of myself today, and must keep in mind back in May I couldn't run longer than 1 and a half minutes. 

It was mentally challenging, and I have more blisters on my feet than I wished for, and my legs are so sore I might become stuck on the toilet later. :) 

18 weeks of training to get here:

 Before the start of the race. Rockin' my awesome sweats!

Feeling awesome. 

 Good friend Justin and I. Our future is so bright we need sunglasses! Thankful for his love of running too. I need more insane friends in my life.

Sweaty shirt, and medal. awe-yeah! Good day 

Friends for twenty-three years

 

Me, Lindsay and Krystal on our second Java date this week! BFFs For life. 

I may look grumpy, but I am trying to hide my excitement by being around them with my frown.  

Krystal (right,) flew into surprise me on Monday. On Sunday we talked for close to an hour and she gave me no clue she'd be here the next day. 

These two were sneaking around behind my back planning this whole thing! 

On Monday: Lindsay (middle) text me saying she needed to see me right away, but I asked her if she was okay.. yadda yadda yadda. I was at book club, couldn't come. She said it could wait for our regular lunch date the following day. But she really tried hard to get me to leave book club. They were together, trying to surprise me. I just thought she was having a bad day. 

Tuesday Morning: Lindsay text me. Asked if we could change our date to an earlier time at The Java Connection. My favorite place. So yes! 

I pick up my friend, still clueless of what was about to come, we drive to the sandwich shop. I walk in. Notice a very familiar face. Hit Lindsay on the arm while gasping, "Krystal?"

Lindsay: "Surprise"

Me: "You bastards, is this what you were doing last night?" I cause a scene. But who wouldn't? Your longest best friend surprised you at lunch with her presence! I hadn't seen her in a year! 

It must have taken at least half of our lunch for me to settle down and stop saying, "I can't believe this!" It really was a good surprise.

 

Krystal is my longest friend. She was the first person I met when I moved here. 23 years ago. And holy, man am I glad she is a flight attendant!

Tabby.

I've never had to watch a friend be lowered into the ground before. It's difficult. It's breath taking. It's time stopping. It's quiet and loud. The image of the flowers laid on top of her casket burn in my eyelids. The sound of her dad telling the large crowd that he'll miss her, but he knows she's not far from us. It's heartbreaking and in the wrong order. Dad's should not burry their daughters.

But even better, the image of her smile, the sound of her voice, the memories she gave to me will never be lost. Tabby lives inside me. I'll forever remember her as sweet, and a lover of life. She was brave, warm and always encouraging. She loved. If I could use only one word to describe her, it would be that. She loved. The best thing about her funeral: it was standing room only. You know you have a good friend when the church runs out of seats. The church was so packed the lobby was full all the way to the doors outside. People cried, and then we laughed when we celebrated her life. Because Tabby is worth celebrating. Today, and tomorrow.

I must give my hat to her husband Eric, for marrying someone he knew had cancer. It takes a certain kind of man to stay with a girl who is sick. It takes a man to put his wife's feelings and life first, instead of his own. It would have been so easy for him to walk away when he was told she had cancer, but he stayed! He stayed by her side the whole time-loving her. That gives me hope. Tabby found her soulmate, and she glowed!

Thank you for your smile. That infectious smile.

God takes the good ones

Yesterday I woke up to some awful news: I had lost a friend to cancer.

29 years old.


It's sad that it takes a death of a loved one to make me reassess my own life, and evaluate relationships.

To celebrate my friend, I'm going to allow myself to say no to things I don't really want to do; take more precious moments to drink tea and sit on the deck; and walk longer with the dogs when I need more alone time. In ways it's sad that I've allowed my life to become full of obligations: committees and organizations to sit-in on, groups, fundraising events, volunteering with my church, and other ridiculous things I've signed up for because I felt I might make a difference, or it could improve my quality of life in one way or another. But the truth is, it hasn't and they won't. The truth is, I am just busy and not very happy.

Tabby was always happy. Even when she was fighting with cancer she still smiled a genuine smile. She was brilliant. I used to try and score better on assignments than her, but could never. She was strong. I've never met a woman more strong or emotionally stable than her. She was the woman you would find yourself opening up to, sharing every detail with as you knew that she would never judge you, or share your words with anyone else. She was elegant and grace-filled. You'd never see her with mustard on her sleeve, or dirt under her nails, but she was never a high-maintence kind of girl either. Just naturally beautiful. I only hope she knew how loved, and admired she is.


It's hard to understand: His plans, the reason He takes the good ones from us so soon. But, I must trust in Him.

Lately:

I think I just allowed the biggest, burliest, tattooed dude to live in my basement for the summer. Oh please God, don't let him be some kind of psycho killer!

I've been doing yoga and drinking too much beer.

Listening to a lot of hip-hop and classical music. I don't get it either.

Loving my time with Shannon. Dang woman, you're a good listener. Thanks for the perspective.

Eating a lot of take-out and cooking zero. It's depressing to cook for one. Never been good at it. Out-of-the-pot-and-over-the-sink has never been my thing... Yes, that's how I eat when I am alone. Tables with empty chairs depress me.

Being told to keep going over chicken fingers and messy sandwiches. I don't take that lightly, it is easy to crumble and stay there. Thank you.

Sleeping not very much. Constantly having nightmares. Last night a fellow high-school student shot me in the head. People in the street didn't care I was dying.

Walking a lot with Luna. Enjoying the spring smells.

Planning to move.

Asked to job shadow under a caterer here. I don't even care if I get paid!

Reading Born to Run. I'm glad I took a third attempt at it. Also a book on how to make friends. As I have none. And I probably need them

Creating a summer bucket list. It's going to be an action packed last summer here. 

Telling myself, "I just have to adjust to life without him, and that I will be okay." Adapting to an adverse situation. I could have cancer or no legs. This should be easier.

Trying to be grateful. Failing at it.

Forcing myself to focus on me, and my goals for a change.

Learning to let go of the past. It has always been a challenge.

Fixing my house to sell it in June.

If I've missed telling you that I was leaving in the fall, I am sorry that this is how you found out.

Much love, dear friends.

on books..

I’m watching the Hunger Games tonight with my mister. I can't wait for this stinkin' thing to start! It's been a long time since I've wanted to see a movie this badly. (I was beginning to believe I was passionless) If you haven't read the Hunger Games series, I recommend them.

Book club: I've got my homework cut out for me this month. I'm not into Sci-Fi much. And well, we seem to pick a lot of Sci-Fi novels. Ho-hum. Neil Gaiman's Neverwhere is the selection this month. Something about a man becoming homeless and living beneath London in the sewer alongside angels, and other mythical creatures. AAh, but the book has so many good reviews. Maybe I'll just watch the movie.. hah ... Just kidding. I’ll give it an honest go. In all seriousness, I am thankful for this club; they get me to read books I’d never normally pick up. I’ve enjoyed most of them, so, I’ll stop whining.

I was thinking I should also read Book of Negroes before Wednesday, but, maybe I will just settle with the idea that I've read one of his other books... I'm positive it's no fast read.  600 pages divided by 5 nights equals not likely going to happen.

Enjoy your weekend, my dear friends.

 My new rocket! (not nearly as awesome as the spaceship)

Facebook

I don't miss it. 

I don't miss feeling jealous; I don't miss feeling empty or unworthy; I don't miss the longing for other people's lives or possessions; I don’t miss the burden of attempting to mend pain that is not my own; and I certainly don't miss the hurt or chaos that comes with the gossip. I don't miss the late night "stalking" of my friend's pages to see what they've been up to. 

I enjoy the mystery; the catching up face to face. I like the real instant message in facial expressions.

I can barely handle the burdens those around me carry. Too much information is available to our fingertips; I stumble upon pain, guilt and fear. I walk around in a fog not really knowing how to cope, or deal with the pains in my loved one’s hearts. I don’t quite know how to handle this grief with grace. 

Because, what am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to handle these things that are so much bigger? How am I supposed to move past these boulders and walk the path that lies before me? 

I don’t know. 

I do know that Facebook-and the pain it brings to me-has damaged my relationship with my loved ones. I’d rather stay home, read a book, or cuddle my boyfriend than deal with the pain in my heart. 

Maybe I’m just supposed to do with these big things what I can. Maybe I don’t move them out of the way completely. Maybe I just gently nudge, and with each nudge maybe the burden becomes lighter.

Nevertheless. 

I am at a crossroad: Do I delete my account, or am I to pick and choose who stays, and who goes?

40 days of Lent.

Lent. Lenten Season. I shall sacrifice for Him. As feeble as my attempt may be.

I don’t know everything about Lent, and I am not so sure how it is supposed to look, but I do know it's not what you give up; it's what you do in attitude. I suppose the only way to really appreciate this is by participation, worship, and a whole lot of prayer.

This year, my first year participating, I am attempting to give up Facebook for 40 days. I know saying, "I quit Facebook." doesn't sound like I am doing very much for Him when he sacrificed so much for me.  But have faith; what I am hoping to do with the time I typically spend on Facebook is much greater than one may think.

Life is about loving, living and laughing-together. I am trusting that the time I normally waste on Facebook can be used to enrich my relationship with Our Father, my friends, and family. I want to give them the love and time they deserve. 

When I got sick two years ago with Crohn’s Disease my social life got put on the back burner, and so, my life as a social butterfly stopped dead in its tracks. I have yet to devote the same time and energy into my friend’s lives as I used to. I hope to use Lent as my justification to jump back into life, my old life. The life where my loved ones were the centre of my life; their happiness was the key to my happiness. 

I am largely indebted to my friends who stuck by my side when I sauntered sadly through my darkest days; I owe so much to my community for the resources I’ve been handed through this period. I won’t only be out gallivanting about in social festivities, but I will also be reserving moments of peace. I believe this attitude I am taking about Lent, is also about slowing down, breathing deeply, and taking the time to remind myself what Lent is about and why we celebrate in it. 

I am hoping I can open my heart to hear what He has to say, and give back what He has given to me.

Happy First Birthday Luna!

Luna,

Though it has been a long year, you've taught me more than your small brain is capable of comprehending. Maybe I'm wrong. You do always seem to know it is 5 o'clock before I do.

You've taught me to love when I didn't think there would be reason to love.
You've taught me patience and self-control, and you have been more than patient with me. I thank you.
You've shown me laughter is the best medicine.
You've literally wiped many tears from my face, though not with soft tissue, but with your disgusting tongue-which makes it impossible to shed another tear.

Though you can't properly get into "place", or roll over at my first request, I somehow have faith we'll be okay. Whatever you are getting out of this mess of a relationship we have together, I can only hope it is as meaningful to you as it is to me.

Here's to another, for lack of a better word, interesting year, my love.

Weekend Getaway.

Justin and I went with another couple to a little cabin in Atlin, B.C. for the weekend.

This was the sunrise from the cabin's window this morning. The cabin was nested into the mountain side looking over Atlin Lake.

Peaceful isn't a good enough word to describe how I felt out there.

They went out snowshoeing, but I stayed back to read, think and sleep more.

We played boardgames, watched the football game, ate a lot and had lovely conversations throughout.

I know I ate and drank enough to sink that ship. (Too soon?)

Living was easy, and I am upset weekends are only two short days.

Devil's Advocate

Sometimes you gotta go a little crazy. Sometimes you gotta call your best friend and let it all out. Sometimes you gotta talk about your inner demons, and cry. A lot. And sometimes in public. But at least, your best friend has your hand. And tissue.

I've been my own devil's advocate lately. The devil in me has been testing, rather wearing out, my positive side. Breaking me down. I'm losing sight of myself.

I do not care to expand. I think it is time for me to step back in order to figure it all out.

I've lost touch with my sense of purpose. I have lost sight of God's plan for me. I thought I had it figured out, I was pleased with the Grace He has showered upon me. But, I am lost. Maybe I have lost sight of God. I seem to give Him my leftovers, maybe... I dunno? I need some time.




But the LORD has become my fortress,
and my God the rock in whom I take refuge.
-Psalm 94:22

Family.

Today I am thankful, and so very jealous, of the gift that is family.

It has been really nice to visit with a completely new-to-me family. I've enjoyed listening to the reminiscing of stories that are not mine; I love that they still laugh over them-as my family would. I love that they bicker in front of me; I love that they've requested Justin and I to take separate rooms. I love that they made it easy for me not to miss my own as much.

Today I thank God for Justin's family.

Merry Christmas.

First off: Happy Birthday To Jesus. Today, and everyday I live for Him. I celebrate Him. Each day I try to be better for Him. It feels good to give back what He has given me.

I hope that you've all had the chance to celebrate whatever it is that you celebrate: family, love, God, or whatever. I hope it was lovely for you. I hope you ate, and laughed with your loved ones. I hope you stumbled upon new traditions, and practiced the old ones too. I hope you snuggled on the couch, and had the chance to dust off your ice skates. I hope you indulged in delicious hot cocoa. Because, these are only a few of my cherished Christmas memories, but essential for the holiday season.

My Christmas with Justin has been fantastic. We've done nearly nothing except eat good food and surround ourselves with his closest loved ones while laughing a lot. When I was thinking about coming here, I was incredibly frightened by all of these new-to-me traditions, new faces, and new food. But in the end, I was being overly dramatic. It has been lovely.

If I am still heart broken and crying, I can't imagine what they are going through.

*Tea helps. But it doesn't really fix anything.

*Thanks, you ;)

My Papaya

Not only did we close down one, but two coffee shops in beautiful conversation. 

I indulged myself in 3 wonderful hours or reminiscing, dreaming, and understanding with one of my girl friends whom I adore. I must admit there were many moments where I had one of those, as Operah calls them, "A-ha! moments," when you suddenly realize you're not alone in your feelings. It's glorious relief. Sitting, so elegantly, across the table from me was someone who is equally hiding the same pain I am. Her worry and hurt is from a different place than mine, but we grieve the same; we feel equally upset; we often feel our self worth is, well the equivalence of dirt. But we are wrong. Sometimes we lose sight of this. 

My dear friend and I, I know we are not alone-and perhaps you too, struggle with the feelings of simply, not being adequate enough.

Perhaps I've set our standards for myself too high, or I witness pressure from society. By not allowing my to become molded into something more acceptable: I've neither married nor reproduced; I've never followed through on any of my career endeavors or dreams, and I hate myself for it. I find it's hard to love myself when I don't feel worthy of who I am-or should be. Or, when it seems like I am always on "Stage Left." Except this isn't a play. I am lost in my own way and for myself, I feel without purpose or direction.

How we overcome these struggles, that I do not know.

Cody has been moved to Vancouver and will be on life support for as long as it is possible. His heart beats strong, but there is no activity in his brain. They say it isn't likely, but we're all hoping for a miracle. His daughter is expected to enter this world next week.

What a mess. A heart breaking mess. I cannot imagine how his mother feels right now.

Life is fragile and we must remember to embrace it fully. We must also not forget to wear out and over use those three little, important words.

Please continue to pray for him and his family.

People are being taken from this world too easily and too quickly.

My friend lost her mom a few weeks ago, and this weekend her son.

I question you, God. I question you.

You've done so much good to me, but not for others. Why?

I neither feel grateful for my own life, nor like the shining light I need to be for her.

It hurts me to be okay, and so happy when she's at the very bottom.

You can do nothing to heal those kinds of wounds.

Dear God, give her strength.

Carolyn: I'm lucky to have you

I started the day by asking my friends to simply write their name in a box. With each name entered, M&M Meat Shop will donate a dollar for research on Chron's Disease and Colitis. Which I've got!

Right away my friends sent me messages and commented on the link that they had done it, but one of them took it even farther and made me cry. Carolyn posted the link onto her page and then also to onto her work's page, The Lair Centre. The moment I saw her mentions to this, I welled up and Thanked God for her. I could go on for days about this lovely girl, but I won't - take it from me, God radiates through her.

It's not too late to enter your name in the box either: Click Here

Carolyn, you're one of the most generous people I know - I am truly blessed.

For the LAIR Centre's facebook page (that's loaded with all kinds of good advice and information): Click Here

Fragile

One of my really good friend's friend took his life this week.

She describes it as, "I've misplaced my radiance."

No matter what I say or do, I can't ease her pain.

Everything I want to say seems shallow. Or fake.

What can you say? I can only just barely, and rather weakly, blubber out, "I love you, and I am here for you."

It's not enough.

I can't bring him back to her so they can sip wine while they catch-up.

I can't make her stop dissecting their last conversation.

I can't get her to stop thinking that she could have done something to save him - there was nothing she could have done. How could she have known?

I can't keep her eyes free of tears.

Justin about Justin

I love my text conversations with this kid. My best friend.






K: Where is the wedding invite?
J: Haven't asked her yet. Saving for the perfect ring.
K: I'm excited you've found the person you want to wake up to with everyday.
J: Me too! What about you. How's your boyfriend situation going?
K: I swear he is the male version of me, just cuter.
J: Hahaha! Oh no, what's his name again?
K: Justin.
J: Isn't that weird?
J: Is he short like me?
K: No. He's tall, and sexy. Hah!
J: Haha! You just miss me.
K: A lot, a lot, a lot! I do. :)
J: We had a lot of fun together
J: Do you remember when we pretended to make out in the bar so that stalker would leave you alone?
K: EW! I blacked that out! Oh Gawd, thanks for that. He was scary, and I don't think he had teeth, did he?
J: I still get nightmares about that day!
K: GAAHHH! Thanks Justin!

...haha! I'm not that bad, am I?