losing sight

We come to a point in our lives when we have to attempt to realize what it is exactly that we are fighting for. Determine if it is worth the fight. Some things do need winning over, but there is a fine line between fighting and hanging on; and its chicken-wire thin. At some point we have to realize we are better than this, but somewhere somehow along the way we lose sight of this realization. We long to put someone else first, and when we finally do, we lose sight of what we are fighting for. We lose who we are.

Once you start down that path it is hard to see things with an open mind and a clear head. The perspective is gone. You fight hard without any tangible results. A losing battle, if you will. That's when you look into the mirror to find yourself as someone you're not. Someone a little more crazy than you has taken over. It’s not always a pretty face looking back; the crazy has taken the sparkle from your once beautiful eyes.  

How do we go back? 

I don’t know.

Facebook

I don't miss it. 

I don't miss feeling jealous; I don't miss feeling empty or unworthy; I don't miss the longing for other people's lives or possessions; I don’t miss the burden of attempting to mend pain that is not my own; and I certainly don't miss the hurt or chaos that comes with the gossip. I don't miss the late night "stalking" of my friend's pages to see what they've been up to. 

I enjoy the mystery; the catching up face to face. I like the real instant message in facial expressions.

I can barely handle the burdens those around me carry. Too much information is available to our fingertips; I stumble upon pain, guilt and fear. I walk around in a fog not really knowing how to cope, or deal with the pains in my loved one’s hearts. I don’t quite know how to handle this grief with grace. 

Because, what am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to handle these things that are so much bigger? How am I supposed to move past these boulders and walk the path that lies before me? 

I don’t know. 

I do know that Facebook-and the pain it brings to me-has damaged my relationship with my loved ones. I’d rather stay home, read a book, or cuddle my boyfriend than deal with the pain in my heart. 

Maybe I’m just supposed to do with these big things what I can. Maybe I don’t move them out of the way completely. Maybe I just gently nudge, and with each nudge maybe the burden becomes lighter.

Nevertheless. 

I am at a crossroad: Do I delete my account, or am I to pick and choose who stays, and who goes?

There hasn't been a Friday that I haven't cried on in a really long time. I don't like Fridays. I don't like crying.

I don't like the part where my heart breaks. I don't like the part where I feel empty, and worthless inside.  The part where I am not good enough for much of anything doesn't feel so good either.

I'm usually pretty good at suppressing these feelings on the other 6 days of the week-I'm busy. Fridays are wide open. Too much time to think about feelings and other useless things.

But if you love Friday, I hope it's good to you. :)

Enjoy.

a new kind of cycling..

I remember when 10 minutes of exercise was peanuts.

Today, after 20 minutes I can't physically turn the pedals any longer.

Devil's Advocate

Sometimes you gotta go a little crazy. Sometimes you gotta call your best friend and let it all out. Sometimes you gotta talk about your inner demons, and cry. A lot. And sometimes in public. But at least, your best friend has your hand. And tissue.

I've been my own devil's advocate lately. The devil in me has been testing, rather wearing out, my positive side. Breaking me down. I'm losing sight of myself.

I do not care to expand. I think it is time for me to step back in order to figure it all out.

I've lost touch with my sense of purpose. I have lost sight of God's plan for me. I thought I had it figured out, I was pleased with the Grace He has showered upon me. But, I am lost. Maybe I have lost sight of God. I seem to give Him my leftovers, maybe... I dunno? I need some time.




But the LORD has become my fortress,
and my God the rock in whom I take refuge.
-Psalm 94:22

I need to cry.

Breathe in, Breathe out.

At least I feel real.

I am choosing to be a sack of $h*t.

All my life I've lived by a guideline I once made; a set of rules I followed for my own idea of success. I've stopped. This is what I gave up:

1. Set Goals

2. Make The Most Of Everyday

3. Be Adventurous

4. Connect

5. Do The Things I Don't Want To

6. Be Disciplined

7. Make A Difference

8. No Complaining

I'm to lazy to call a friend for coffee; I am to lazy to change my attitude, let alone the world!

I gotta pull my head out of my ass and get on with life. It's waiting.

Verse of the Day

Verse of the Day on BibleGateway.com

“How well God must like you— you don't hang out at Sin Saloon, you don't slink along Dead-End Road, you don't go to Smart-Mouth College. Instead you thrill to God's Word, you chew on Scripture day and night. You're a tree replanted in Eden, bearing fresh fruit every month, Never dropping a leaf, always in blossom.”

-Psalm 1:1-2 [The Message]

This is not about me, I have been slinking along a dead-end road, I've been bitterly sarcastic - in fact I think I teach at "Smart-Mouth College."

You're not at all like the wicked, who are mere windblown dust— Without defense in court, unfit company for innocent people. God charts the road you take. The road they take is Skid Row.

-Psalm 1:4-6 [The Message]

I've been more like the second part: wicked, windblown and lost. I have been feeling very bitter, angry and mostly alone. Alone, not in the sense that I have no physical persons around, for I have plenty. Alone, as if I am charting uncharted waters and have no other souls to guide me.

The strangest part is that I don't even know what these uncharted waters are? I can't seem to shake this bout of depression that has nestled itself deep within my bones. I keep thinking to myself, "Tomorrow is another day, it will be better. I have so much love," but it doesn't seem to work like it used to.

making it stick

I was recently quoted saying, "I don't believe in love," but I now realize that was wrong, and not what I meant.

I believe in love; it exists.

I know what it feels like to love and to get loved. I know that love has the ability to forever change you. It can make you stronger, but it can also break you and turn you into a mess.

Perhaps what I meant was, how do you make love stick?

We all change and grow, but love does not also always change and grow along with us.

I realized after blurting out that I didn't believe in love, that I am scared to be in love; I know how much it can hurt when it is unrequited.

Philippians

Every now and then I need to be reminded or retaught how to give and receive love; I find I don't always do a good job of it. Which, I believe is an important skill to be equipped with these days.

It's been a long time since I've sat with God and studied His Words. I did this for a while after Church today. I studied the book of Philippians, which fits so well with where I am at in my life these days - Laying down my glory (if you can call it that) to become a better person.


Philippians 2 1-18

Imitating Christ’s Humility

Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus:

Who, being in very nature God,
did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage;
rather, he made himself nothing
by taking the very nature of a servant,
being made in human likeness.
And being found in appearance as a man,
he humbled himself
by becoming obedient to death—
even death on a cross!

Therefore God exalted him to the highest place
and gave him the name that is above every name,
that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow,
in heaven and on earth and under the earth,
and every tongue acknowledge that Jesus Christ is Lord,
to the glory of God the Father.

Do Everything Without Grumbling

Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed—not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence—continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose. Do everything without grumbling or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, “children of God without fault in a warped and crooked generation.” Then you will shine among them like stars in the sky as you hold firmly to the word of life. And then I will be able to boast on the day of Christ that I did not run or labor in vain. But even if I am being poured out like a drink offering on the sacrifice and service coming from your faith, I am glad and rejoice with all of you. So you too should be glad and rejoice with me.

slipping away

So much has been given to me from God and from others that I feel I need to give it back to my community in a remarkable way. Lately I've so been consumed with money, money, money, and bills, bills, bills that I want to do something where the reward isn't for me at all, but for someone else. Life isn't just about me, and it's fragile.

Monday I am going to see if I can volunteer at an old folks home. There is something about the older folk that amazes me. Their stories, their way of life, their youth; all very different and foreign to everything I know. I love how big families used to get by on so little and now we have so much junk and money and we can't get by. We live in a time of more; we can't get enough sh*t in our lives! We have more struggles, we are more sick, more overweight, more stressed out, and way less happy than we used to be. Even just talking with my Grandma (who is slowly losing track of who we all are) reminds me every time we speak that I need to slow down and smell the flowers or before I know it, I either won't be able to bend over to smell them, or they'll be on my coffin at my funeral. She's right. I'm forgetting to take the 30 or more minutes a day and just enjoy this beautiful life I've created. It's so easy for me to hustle and bustle and forget about the good things, the simple things.


In thinking about how much society has changed, I almost want to say I won't have my own children because of this. I think back 12 years ago to when I was in the middle of high school, I didn't have a cell phone glued to my head, I worked hard for my first car, it is the exact opposite right now. Imagine what high school will be like 15 years from now. How scary will it be being a teenager in 2026? I don't want to have to put my own children through that. I can't. We have a plethora resources and tools today and we still can't cope with our sh*t. I cannot comprehend how stressful my own son or daughter's lives would be, torturous maybe.

My sister kills me; there is nobody more honest than her.

Our morning conversation:

Kelsey "I signed up for advanced swimming lessons, do you think I will get a badge like we did when we were on the team, and we had that little book of all the colourful badges?"

Carrie "Probably not, they stopped doing that. That's why I joined girl guides; to get all the badges. I had so many badges there was no more room on my sash."

I laughed so hard I cried. This is the best comment to come out of her mouth in a long time!

Honestly, I love you.

New Year's Eve makes me think about where I am in this storybook of life; is it the beginning, or the end? Hopefully closer to the beginning rather than the end, but wherever I am at in this walk, I am thankful for every moment spent with you guys. The times we laughed until it hurt, the times we cried because we hurt, the lessons you’ve taught me, and the gifts you’ve given me will never go unnoticed or become forgotten. I would relive every broken heart and bone (I can say that now :)) because where I am at right now, is exactly where I want to be. It has taken a lot of struggling and fumbling along the way to learn that every day is a chance for new beginnings, and to become better for myself and you guys.

Though we all make our own choices and our paths are not always straight, we all end up the same in the end; it is remembering to enjoy the messes we create in the middle that is called life. I don’t know what I did, or who I was in my previous life to deserve every wonderful person and thing I have in my present life, but I know at the end of the day I get down on my knees and thank God for you. I pray that this is the year for each of you, that your dreams come true, that your struggles and strife become victories and those battles are easily conquered. I am only now, 27 years into it, just beginning to understand my purpose in life, though it may be too complex to comprehend and I don’t think anyone could ever truly understand the specifics of His plan, I am merely allowing God’s hand to guide my way.

Though I don’t spend a lot of time with you anymore, and my phone calls to you are few and far between you are never far from my thoughts. No matter how much time passes between our get-togethers, and Skype dates, please take heart you’re always with me. I am who I am because of you, and for that I am grateful. Thank you.

Simply, I am asking that whatever you do, and wherever you go this year, to take a moment or two to care for yourself. That life is indeed very fragile; it is a gift and can be taken from us at any second. I do not nearly say it enough, but I do truly love you guys and thank you for loving me back as I make countless blunders in my journey.

Happy New Years

i fear love just as i fear death

I would give you my heart if you simply ask.

My feelings are pure, honest, and true. I want your comfort, your soul, your heart. When you are near I feel a certainty within my own soul. Many times I dared to tell you how much I care, but I cannot. I set out to toss a bottle containing a single sentence made from seven small words, but never made it to the ocean. Out of fear I never took that drive. Once that bottle is tossed I can't take it back - it becomes permanent. It becomes a beacon of my constant agony.

I fell. I fell for the beautiful words that flutter from your extraordinary mind. I fell for your actions, your dreams, your ability to stir things up every now and again. I fell for the chances you take that nobody else dares. I fell for the small surprises you give me, and the things you teach me each day. When you lay next to me everything is okay, it's as it should be. The monotony of life disappears; I forget about my struggles and sorrows. All is well in the world – perfect, simple and true. I love that. I also love that I don’t feel the constant need to talk; somehow it feels as if our hearts are doing the talking for us. With you, our silence is comfortable and conversation comes easily. I allowed you to move my soul. Even after a year, my heart skips a beat at the sight of you, and my breath is taken at the sound of your voice.

I want to witness everything: your triumphs, and conquests. I want to be your companion and your ally. I want to walk with you in your times of anguish, and hardship, though I don’t see there being many. I have fallen in love with you twice. Though you were not always the same person, you merely shared the same casing. The first time I was unaware of your true magnificence, and beauty, the second time was by far the best feeling I have ever felt. Allowing me to fall and delve into your soul was the best gift you could ever give me. For everything; there is not one thing I would change, you are perfect in every way.

You see Rob; I fear love just as I fear death. I fear that if I tell you this, this love I feel for you is unrequited, and it is apt to leave my heart hanging heavily in my chest. I fear the tears I shall shed will never cease. It was once said, “Waiting hurts. Forgetting hurts. But not knowing which decision to take is the worst of suffering." It is true. This is exactly how I feel.

Original message in a bottle: “Simply, I am in love with you.”