I did it. I am here. Vancouver. I move into my apartment on the 15th. I'm excited to get a job and furnish my place. I want to join running clubs, book clubs and just focus on finding myself. I miss my family a lot, and I will miss them insanely more, but I really had to get away from that mess. I feel good here.
Though a weird part of me feels like I need to take on a big project or achieve some crazy goal - to prove something to myself. My good friend pointed out, that I already did: I moved! I am not sure what I have in mind.
I have a lot of things I want to accomplish. And, I will.
My move took a long time.
Only an hour into our drive and I am already out of the car taking pictures of the scenery. Miss the Yukon much? I think so.
I have no idea where this is. Northern BC I think.
Moose! Tones of wildlife on the road. Bison, Elk, Horses, Moose, Coyotes, Birds, Bears. Dead animals getting eaten by other animals. It was cool to see nature like that. Though I feel guilt for building roads in their living room.
Pissed off Weimaraner. Luna hates cars, and he hates when her schedule is messed up. She's been pretty mad at me for the last month. I've left her in a boarding kennel while I am running a race in Victoria. I have some kissing up to do. :(
See!? trying to get her into the hotel room! I had to physically lift her out.
I think she is so stressed looking here.
Won't even smile. But to be fair, I am about to drop her off for two nights and three days at a kennel. Don't believe me, but dogs know your every thought. They are good like that.
January 25, 2012
You know when your face gets hot, you feel a little dizzy, like you might lose your lunch?
Or when someone says something that just breaks your heart, but deep down you already knew that's what they were going to say, and you could crawl under a rock cursing yourself for being so stupid? "How could you?"
Or when you look up and sheepishly ask, "Why God? I thought this was finally it, no?"
I am sick to my stomach with fear; dizzy in thought; and waiting for the tears.
December 16, 2011
It's been a long, suffocating week for me. It's been full of please-God-won't-you-do-something lamentations. And a few loud, unanswered, Why's?
I'd like a break. I still feel loss, torn, and broken. I am still very confused and I have been praying nonstop for a relaxing Christmas Vacation so I can have time to figure it all out. So God can show me the answers to my questions in His own way.
I am ready for a break, a break where I can feel peace within me, hopeful for my future and surround myself with loved ones.
I always have really high expectations for this season; I wish each Christmas break is filled with a week of cuddling on the couch with classic Christmas movies, hot chocolate, late nights board game sessions, Christmas Light Tours, and tree hunting with the ones I love.
Most often it is spent in a whirlwind racing to wrap last minute gifts and trying to beat the clock. Perhaps this year I will simply try to enjoy the silent minutes in the chaos.
"Time stands still best in moments that look suspiciously like ordinary life."
- Brian Andreas
December 13, 2011
If I am still heart broken and crying, I can't imagine what they are going through.
I'm leaving this cold, dark place tomorrow for something slightly warmer, and a a whole lot wetter. I am getting surgery on my Achilles Tendon on Friday. My mister is coming along for support because I cry like a girl around needles. (I needed my sister to hold me a few years back when I had to get a measly little flu shot. Ask her - I was a mess!)
I don't even know what to do with my own self while lying in a hospital bed for two days let alone with him watching me lay there. We may end up just staring at each other trying to remember how to relax. And chances are he may get sick of me because I plan to attach myself to his side. I plan to ask him for a million stories. Oh wait. I already do that. Sorry Mister.
Here's to hoping this goes well, and that I don't wake up alone in the supply closet, again.
October 3, 2011
People are being taken from this world too easily and too quickly.
My friend lost her mom a few weeks ago, and this weekend her son.
I question you, God. I question you.
You've done so much good to me, but not for others. Why?
I neither feel grateful for my own life, nor like the shining light I need to be for her.
It hurts me to be okay, and so happy when she's at the very bottom.
You can do nothing to heal those kinds of wounds.
Dear God, give her strength.
October 1, 2011
One of my oldest childhood friends was in a car accident last night. They medi-vaced her to Vancouver. I am not even at home to be with her family. I feel helpless. And worried.
Prayers and thoughts for her and her family, please?
**I've heard from her, she's only broken her leg and is on her way home. Thank you for the prayers and well wishes. God Bless you.
I always thought my life would be a little bit more profound than this.
This would be the time my grandmother might say something like this:
"You know Mary Anne Radmacher once said, 'Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, ‘I will try again tomorrow.” and it would resonate within my soul. I'd leave the conversation thinking maybe all is fair and just in this world.
But the truth of the matter is, this time, I am actually really bored. I know that bored people are only boring souls - and maybe it's not that I am bored, but rather unchallenged. In fact, bored is the wrong word all together - I always have things to do to keep me busy, but I've done these things year in and year out. I'm feeding my soul Kraft Dinner, if you will.
Tonight my response to her might be:
"Time is running out, Grandma." Because, it is.
Some days you wake up feeling good about the life you've created, and others you think back and wonder at which point in life you allowed your flame die out? When it happens, it's a startling realization.
I've come to a really big fork in life: float, or paddle. 'Courage doesn't always roar.' or 'I will try again tomorrow.'
July 26, 2011
Every time I think I am safe and he's gone - I'll never see him again - he appears. He came in to my work place today, it took the breath right out of me. Scared me. Made my skin feel like a million needles were pricking out all over me. I hate the power he has over me. Hate it. I hate that every time I see him, it feels just like it did when it was happening. He's probably, even maybe forgotten that it ever happened. I however cannot shake it from my bones.
I can tell you that I do not want to go. I was neither cool, nor uncool in high school. I was neutral. I was the beige crayon of the box, and I did my best to keep it that way. I was everyone's and no one's friend at the same time. Though one time, and I think because I was a better runner than a guy on the track team, a rumor that I was a lesbian was spread. If that's my biggest memory from high school, I am not sure why I should revisit those days. I was bored, and thought most of my class mates were less than smart. To be kind.
Ten years ago if you had asked me what I would be doing today, none of the things I am currently doing would have been listed. I am unsure if this is a good or a bad thing.
I've been thinking about this day a lot for the last month or so, and I've come to the conclusion that this is no life to be that excited over. That's a sad thought. I'm happy; I manage to have a lot of fun on the weekends, and I am fairly productive throughout the week - though in being honest with myself, I have a lot of things I regret not doing. I've left a lot of things I wanted un-chased.
Ten years ago I am certain I said to my mother, "I'm going to change the world." And I meant it. I wanted to be remarkable, and remembered for the great things I was about to do. I hoped that when people looked at me they would see Jesus shining in me. And maybe I will be remembered by few, and maybe some do see Jesus in me - it's difficult to tell.
The thing that scares me the most isn't that I haven't done much of anything in the last ten years, but that it went by so quickly. What happens if I sit at my desk for another ten years unsatisfied? I'll be half-way through life!
My biggest regret is the job I hold.* I'm on my way to making a lot of money, and I am currently worth enough money to live a good life; my future has been secured. If I am smart about it, that is.
You see folks, money cannot buy you happiness. A lot of us don't understand this statement. Yes, it's true, you can do a lot of cool things and buy anything you desire, but that doesn't mean you are going to wake up smiling. I certainly don't wake up thinking, "Yeah! I can't wait to get to my desk and fill out spread sheets and invoice people for the next eight hours! wooo-hooo!" No. I wake up counting the days until Friday.
I've not done a lot of things because, honestly if I don't come to work this place won't run. That's a heavy burden to carry. It's difficult to leave even for a short while, and when I do, I find myself checking in and constantly thinking about the work I am not doing. I get stress hives if I am gone more than a week! (See note on O.C.D below)
Knowing what I know now, I would never have agreed to do what I am doing. I'm stuck. Right here. Going nowhere. hummph. Please don't think I am a miserable little fuck, because I am not, I am just not living to my fullest potential, and that can sometimes get me down. The what if's in life, you know?
...
*For those of you who don't know me so well, I'm 1/5th owner in my family's business. We're a monopoly. My family totals 5 people. We're all stubborn. We all suffer from O.C.D in one way or another. We push each others buttons all week long, and come the weekend we don't speak to each other. We're in the process of buying out the folks. That's right, a large, growing-rapidly business run by my brother, sister and I. Scary. When my dad calls my phone 99% of the time I press "ignore," which I know only makes him more angry with me than he already is. On a good day, I might text my mother to see what he wanted. I am not like my family in any way; they can't make enough money, and I could care less. They have no other dreams or desires, only money, money, money. I only need love.
I think I should write about my family and our craziness at work. Collectively we make a great team, but man we're crazy.
April 2, 2011
My body and bones are so sore again. I can barely bend my wrists and fingers - I hate this. My left hand is swollen, hot and very painful. Taking more and more pills, and feeling less and less encouraged. I've been researching and reading up on ulcerative colitis and it honestly scares the living daylights out of me! If it gets bad, I'm pretty much fucked! (Sorry for the language mom.) I'm 27 and there is no way I should need to remove parts, or all of my colon or large intestine. I've got to stop reading, but I should know what to expect.
The vet said Jimmy isn't suspected to live much longer. Between a month and a year, but a year would be a gift. Her kidneys are failing. She's not even two years old yet, I've barely had her a year. There is either no God, or I am the present time Job. When I thought things could not get worse, that my bottom was here, I was wrong. At this rate I'll never stop crying.
I haven't been having the best of weeks so I decided to reach back into the old me and get out my "old IPod" which reminds me of times that I was not anything like the me I am now. Back in the day I did a lot of things I am not really that proud of, things I'd never do now. I don't talk much about those days because mostly I am embarrassed for myself. I served a couple of girls tonight who reminded me a lot of my old self. I hope they don't make the same mistakes I did.
On my drive home tonight I was thinking about my past life and who I once was. I was a train wreck waiting to happen, but I was really happy, and very healthy at the time. I was a machine. I made a lot of mistakes, and I have a lot of regrets from those days, but I was happy while making them. When I sit here and think about it, I can almost see those days happening before me and I imagine God looking down at me shaking his head and rolling his eyes thinking, "Where did I go wrong with that one?" Back then God really got my left overs, no, he got the left overs the dog wouldn't eat. I knew God, but not anything like I do today.
I was a wreck. I slept around a lot and I got really drunk almost every night. I was self-sabotaging, and self-destructive. I played guys like they were board games: at one point I was seeing four boys, four boys, and I got away with it too! I ruined friendships - I was seeing a guy who I really, really, really liked and was crushed when he left to Spain for a few months. So when he left, I started sleeping with his best friend for no reason! Needless to say, when he got back from his trip it was his turn to play me. I was well played and I deserved it. The part that makes me laugh, and it shouldn't, is that he wrote on the bathroom wall at his work place, "For a good time call ***, she'll suck your di%k and take it in the a$$," (which isn't true) and I got quite a few calls. The worst part was that I had a really good job in insurance and blew it - I quit because I'd rather work at the bar where I can drink for free whenever I wanted to. I was such a mess and then some.
It wasn't until one night where I was nearly raped in a park by a "friend" that my eyes opened to what my life had become. He was supposed to be walking me home to my best friend's place a few blocks away. We'd made it 2 blocks before he had pulled me into a park, pushed me down, pulled my pants down, held me down with his knees and put his fingers inside of me. All I could do was scream but at that time of the night and place in this city there are never people around, so it was no use. He kept saying that, "it was going to feel good and that I would like it." I kept saying, "stop you're my ex's best friend." Clearly he didn't care about his friends so I had to try something different because I couldn't bare to have him get any farther than he had already gotten. I can't imagine what could have happened. I am thankful that I have a way with words and was able to convince him that if I could pull my pants back up I'd give him a blow job. Thankfully he fell for it. I don't think I've ever run so fast in my life. Adrenaline, panic, fear, and anxiety are the things that got me through.
It was this event that turned my life around. It's this moment that made me the square, anti-fun, sit-alone-at-home-on-Friday-night-reading-science-magazines that I am today. Though the transition hasn't been easy and I was a mess for most of the time (and still am), I think I've nearly become comfortable with myself. I still have trouble being alone, I still feel like puking when I see him around town. I still struggle. I'm having less fun now, but I think in the end I'll be better off.
The whole point of this blog was not to tell a tale, or spill my secrets, but to post some songs from my previous life. This is what I used to listen to. Proudly I can say I still do.
Have you ever woken up suddenly and realized just how alone and vulnerable you are? I woke up faced with the thought that someone could come through the front door, rape me, hurt me, have his way with me, or kill me and nobody would suspect a thing. The house to the right of me is empty and the people to the left of me usually come and go so often nobody would hear me scream.
This is why I keep roommates, but this week they're both gone.
I think there is a certain time in our lives when we have to step back and ask ourselves what's really important to us.
Could it be our relationships, our job, our walk with God? Sometimes we get so carried away with our busy days we tend to forget about the things that are important to us. We lose track of these small things, the flowers unsmelt, the coffee unsipped, the conversations unspoken, the tail wags unnoticed. We miss these things; they're there everyday, they just go unnoticed. Often when we remember to savour life, it's too late; the beautiful bits in life have long wilted and dried up on us. In the heat of the moment, it is impossible for us to see this, we think we are doing the right things, rushing from place to place, commitment to commitment, being more efficient than ever, but instead we are doing all of the wrong things. We are missing the sunsets with friends, and the pointless drives to nowhere - we are too busy driving to the grocery store for milk because tomorrow is cookie day at work and it is our turn to bake.
I am at a time in my life where I have taken on so many things that I have forgotten why I am doing them, and who I am doing them for. I lost myself in a run today and it hit me that most of the commitments in my life aren't done for me, but for someone else. These aren't my goals and dreams I am trying to achieve. This isn't who I am. Some of these commitments are chores and are not pleasureful to me at all.
The things that truly make me happy don't cost me money, they don't require me to be somewhere every second Sunday morning, they never ask me to be someone I am not. They understand that running is running, and not sprints, splits and tempos. They understand that hobbies are just that, and not homework. You see, I could spend an entire day sitting under a tree with nothing to do, and nobody to talk to, just staring off into nothing. I could watch a sunset until I died and not be bored. I could talk with a friend about everything or nothing at all until our words ran out of letters. I could stare at the stars until I have memorized every constellation in the sky. But, I have forgotten how to do these things. I have not made the time to participate in the life I would rather live.
I've allowed this hustle and bustle to consume me. One of my biggest fears is to suddenly wake up ten years from now full of I wish I had slowed down moments. I am happy everyday, I am glad to be alive. I am grateful for everything I have and everything I have done; God has clothed me well. I don't dread my days one bit, but I miss the simplicity that life once was.
My feelings are pure, honest, and true. I want your comfort, your soul, your heart. When you are near I feel a certainty within my own soul. Many times I dared to tell you how much I care, but I cannot. I set out to toss a bottle containing a single sentence made from seven small words, but never made it to the ocean. Out of fear I never took that drive. Once that bottle is tossed I can't take it back - it becomes permanent. It becomes a beacon of my constant agony.
I fell. I fell for the beautiful words that flutter from your extraordinary mind. I fell for your actions, your dreams, your ability to stir things up every now and again. I fell for the chances you take that nobody else dares. I fell for the small surprises you give me, and the things you teach me each day. When you lay next to me everything is okay, it's as it should be. The monotony of life disappears; I forget about my struggles and sorrows. All is well in the world – perfect, simple and true. I love that. I also love that I don’t feel the constant need to talk; somehow it feels as if our hearts are doing the talking for us. With you, our silence is comfortable and conversation comes easily. I allowed you to move my soul. Even after a year, my heart skips a beat at the sight of you, and my breath is taken at the sound of your voice.
I want to witness everything: your triumphs, and conquests. I want to be your companion and your ally. I want to walk with you in your times of anguish, and hardship, though I don’t see there being many. I have fallen in love with you twice. Though you were not always the same person, you merely shared the same casing. The first time I was unaware of your true magnificence, and beauty, the second time was by far the best feeling I have ever felt. Allowing me to fall and delve into your soul was the best gift you could ever give me. For everything; there is not one thing I would change, you are perfect in every way.
You see Rob; I fear love just as I fear death. I fear that if I tell you this, this love I feel for you is unrequited, and it is apt to leave my heart hanging heavily in my chest. I fear the tears I shall shed will never cease. It was once said, “Waiting hurts. Forgetting hurts. But not knowing which decision to take is the worst of suffering." It is true. This is exactly how I feel.
Original message in a bottle: “Simply, I am in love with you.”
You were loved by all and will be missed terribly. I'll never forget that time you made me laugh until I cried. You're a funny, wonderful man Rodney. The smile on your face always came so easily. You've endured so much though out your life, too much in fact.
It's always a tragedy when someone is taken from us too soon. A lot of the time I don't understand God's Master Plan; the hows, and whys, and the lessons I am supposed to be learning will always remain a mystery to me. Daily I am reminded of the fragility of life. There is so much I should be doing and saying so that when it's my turn I won't have any regrets, or at least as many as I would have if I went tomorrow.
