i've been grumpy lately, this is why:

My ten-year high school reunion is tonight.

I can tell you that I do not want to go. I was neither cool, nor uncool in high school. I was neutral. I was the beige crayon of the box, and I did my best to keep it that way. I was everyone's and no one's friend at the same time. Though one time, and I think because I was a better runner than a guy on the track team, a rumor that I was a lesbian was spread. If that's my biggest memory from high school, I am not sure why I should revisit those days. I was bored, and thought most of my class mates were less than smart. To be kind.

Ten years ago if you had asked me what I would be doing today, none of the things I am currently doing would have been listed. I am unsure if this is a good or a bad thing.

I've been thinking about this day a lot for the last month or so, and I've come to the conclusion that this is no life to be that excited over. That's a sad thought. I'm happy; I manage to have a lot of fun on the weekends, and I am fairly productive throughout the week - though in being honest with myself, I have a lot of things I regret not doing. I've left a lot of things I wanted un-chased.

Ten years ago I am certain I said to my mother, "I'm going to change the world." And I meant it. I wanted to be remarkable, and remembered for the great things I was about to do. I hoped that when people looked at me they would see Jesus shining in me. And maybe I will be remembered by few, and maybe some do see Jesus in me - it's difficult to tell.

The thing that scares me the most isn't that I haven't done much of anything in the last ten years, but that it went by so quickly. What happens if I sit at my desk for another ten years unsatisfied? I'll be half-way through life!

My biggest regret is the job I hold.* I'm on my way to making a lot of money, and I am currently worth enough money to live a good life; my future has been secured. If I am smart about it, that is.

You see folks, money cannot buy you happiness. A lot of us don't understand this statement. Yes, it's true, you can do a lot of cool things and buy anything you desire, but that doesn't mean you are going to wake up smiling. I certainly don't wake up thinking, "Yeah! I can't wait to get to my desk and fill out spread sheets and invoice people for the next eight hours! wooo-hooo!" No. I wake up counting the days until Friday.

I've not done a lot of things because, honestly if I don't come to work this place won't run. That's a heavy burden to carry. It's difficult to leave even for a short while, and when I do, I find myself checking in and constantly thinking about the work I am not doing. I get stress hives if I am gone more than a week! (See note on O.C.D below)

Knowing what I know now, I would never have agreed to do what I am doing. I'm stuck. Right here. Going nowhere. hummph. Please don't think I am a miserable little fuck, because I am not, I am just not living to my fullest potential, and that can sometimes get me down. The what if's in life, you know?

...




*For those of you who don't know me so well, I'm 1/5th owner in my family's business. We're a monopoly. My family totals 5 people. We're all stubborn. We all suffer from O.C.D in one way or another. We push each others buttons all week long, and come the weekend we don't speak to each other. We're in the process of buying out the folks. That's right, a large, growing-rapidly business run by my brother, sister and I. Scary. When my dad calls my phone 99% of the time I press "ignore," which I know only makes him more angry with me than he already is. On a good day, I might text my mother to see what he wanted. I am not like my family in any way; they can't make enough money, and I could care less. They have no other dreams or desires, only money, money, money. I only need love.

I think I should write about my family and our craziness at work. Collectively we make a great team, but man we're crazy.