30 before 30 Spreading Jim in the Tombstones

I actually hiked and spread Jimmy on July 1, 2012. Two months ago... I am getting really bad at posting. Sorry. 

I was all alone out here. 

Could never grow tired of these mountains.

I dug a hole and put her ashes in the ground here. E.M.O.T.I.O.N.A.L! 

Depression || The blackness

I was prescribed an antidepressant medication today.

It says in the warning, I am able to get worse before I get better. That I might consider harming myself; I might not sleep, or I might fall asleep accidentally; I might have disturbing dreams; become angry and violent; and develop repetitive behaviors. I should consider having a caregiver around until my dosage has been figured out. (Watch out for me, dear friends?)

I am just hoping for a reprieve. It's been well over a year since I've been happy. With Justin, I thought I was happy, but looking back I might have only been content – which is not enough. I still lacked passion, and direction. Though he did bring a lot of light, it was still very dark. Him breaking up with me was merely the cookie to make me crumble. And, somewhere deep down, I might someday be able to thank him for this. Maybe now, I might learn to be happy. (But I still miss him. Don’t confuse that with “I am over it” J )

Recently: I cry more than any normal person should, I don't care to eat, cook, or clean, I don't care to see my friends, or run. I can't focus at work, or carry out my daily responsibilities at home. When I step back and think about it, I wonder, is there a point to me being in the flesh? 

That's how I realized I needed help. It's a frightening thought when you realize you've just admitted to yourself there could be no reason to be here. There is a difference between being sad, and being sad for no reason. A sadness deep in your bones that does not want to go away after time and effort. It’s not something anyone wants to readily admit.

I understand that I am blessed, that I have great friends, that my family does, somewhere under all of their criticism, love me, that I am financially okay, and that my future is bright. But that’s not how I see it. I practice making lists on why my life is something to be envious of, but that doesn’t help. It makes me hate myself more for being sad when I have it so good. Then I am a failure…and it spirals from there. It’s awful. It’s exhausting. It’s black.

I guess, I am only trying to inform you on how I feel. I’ve tried to talk to some of you about it and you’ve brushed me off by telling me I needed, “exercise and a combination of certain vitamins,” or, “think of the starving children in Africa without clean water to drink.” Which I understand, I too know nothing about depression or other mental heath issues. If you know me well enough, you already know I struggle with showing any signs of weakness, and asking for help is not something I can easily do. I’m not sure there is anything any one person could do or say; I suppose this is a dark valley I have to go at alone. I can only hope I make it out the other side, - alive, and whole. Until then, I just ask you to kindly walk with me. Hold my hand if I ask. Be there, as I could only hope to be there for you when you need me.

And until the peak of that valley presents itself, I feel I should no longer keep my blog current. 

Take care of yourself, dear friends. Dance in the rain. 

Mental Health

I made an appointment with Mental Health today.

Cried like a baby during the assessment.

But to be honest, I cry like a baby nearly every day.

It's hard to admit to someone that you're broken.

running partner || on loving and losing

I hung out with him last night. We ran the Thursday Night Trail Run that Athletics Yukon puts on each week. It was about 5.7 km. He was a good sport. No complaints, stayed with me the whole time. I could tell the pace was a near crawl by his footfall...

I didn't think I could do it. But that's the thing with Justin, he makes me do things I believe I can't do. He has this way of making everything seem easy. Before yesterday I haven't run more than one minute and thirty seconds because that is all my iPod tells me to do. But with Justin I ran for maybe 30 minutes (at least it felt an hour) without stopping! Eventually the hills caught up to my calves and I had to ask him to walk. But, he walked along side me, complaint free. As any good running partner would. 

I get asked a lot why I still see him. It seems insane to people that I wouldn't cut all ties, but everything around Justin is easy. That's why this is so hard. The pain in my heart is better, not absent, but better around him. Except the moment he gets out of the car without kissing me-that sucks.

Nonetheless, I'll take a running friend who is willing to stick it through my rehab process over cutting all ties. Plus, I need the push, and he does that.

regret || on loving and losing

I have a lot of regrets about the relationship we had together. I suppose there are always those, "I wish" moments in every situation, and it's a terrible feeling. It makes you start to go a little crazy on the inside. Like: if we did this, we might still be together, if I said this, or didn't say that, it might have worked. The analyzing every piece of information you can gather, and every memory-made can drive a girl mad. And that is where I am at right now. I know it's the wrong place to be, and I shouldn't allow myself to think like this, but it's why I can't sleep at night. Tossing and turning over regrets. I don't have regrets in any other areas in my life except this one, and it's a hard thing to get over.


I regret not kissing him enough. I should have told him that I loved him more often--it's good to hear this. I regret not taking enough time looking at the stars with him. I regret not asking him all the things I wanted ask. I wonder about the kind of conversations we might have had if I had the courage to simply ask--if my insecurities didn't get in the way. I feel like I was only beginning to crack the surface of his soul. But maybe that's the beauty of loving someone, you always feel like there is so much more beauty and wonder under their surface.


 I regret memorizing his face while he slept--it's now burned into the backs of my eyelids like a tattoo. I regret smelling him, and realizing that smell isn't around anymore. I regret texting him daily, becuase now my phone never beeps. I regret telling him that I loved him, if I didn't maybe it wouldn't be true. I regret feeling like our relationship was always going to end the next day because we never made many plans, but I liked that, it was simple. I regret being shy around him and allowing my insecure feelings to get in the way of who I am. Trust me, I felt if I sang in the car he would break-up with me cause I suck at singing. I always made him tell me when the meat was done so if it was overcooked it wouldn't be my fault, (even though I know damn well when chicken is done) because if it was my fault, he might break-up with me. I lived an entire year like that. I regret not being the confident me. You see, maybe if I was more confident he wouldn't think he was dating some wussy-assed white girl who can't even sing her favourite song in the car.

You see all the things. I regret all the things. I regret not drinking beer at dinner when I really wanted one. I didn't because I thought he wouldn't want a girlfriend who drank beer on a daily basis. But I am, and I do. I look back, and I wasn't me. I regret that more than anything. I was acting* some girl I thought he might want. I wanted to build forts, fly kites, have bubble baths, do ridiculous things, toss coins to decide which way to go on random road trips, but instead we watched T.V. and made dinner together-fun, but not me. (*Save everything Christian I did...nobody comes before God.. )

It's funny, in love you can really lose sight of who you are.  You watch their shows, cheer for their teams, love their favourite foods, read books they liked, research everything they love so you are on it, as if your favourite things don't matter anymore. (Because trust me, his favourite things were always better than my favourite things...)

I look back, and I realize: I lost myself. I suppose if there is anything I learned from this, it is that. I lost who I was, and my goals and life didn't mater, and that's not right. That's not any life to live.

We all know what our hearts need to mend, and put its pieces back together. Our friends may not always agree with these actions and desires, but they do not know the needs of our own heart. We all comfort our own hearts in different ways; we run to friends for comfort; we seek moments of solitary; we become someone we're normally not in attempt to protect ourselves. Whatever our choice, we know our heart's needs better than anyone.

I know I deserve someone who loves me as much as I love him, I know it hurts when we hang out or talk--but this is what my heart needs to mend. In my moment of fragility, I crave his comfort even when I know the love is unrequited. I believe it's better to fall out of love with someone slowly, than to just walk away from it. The transition to a life-long friend, perhaps.

Change || on loving and losing

I'm going to try opening my soul to the universe and see where the wind might blow me. It's got to be better than building more walls. It's got to be better than throwing in the towel.

It's hard for me to tell if I am making wise decisions or not. Am I being too rash? Will leaving my job make me happier? Will selling my house help me grow? Will moving to a new city help me forget the pain in my heart?

It's hard to say. It's easy to hope, but hoping he'd love me isn't working either.

Braking the news to my parents, who are an already hard to please crowd, was hard. However they seemed to be over encouraging about this. So, I suppose it's time to make decisions--something I've never been good at.

Tomorrow:

I've got things to look forward to:

Meeting my pastor, Bev to talk about the future. My future.

Getting new Crohn's Disease medicine.

Eating lunch at the hot dog stand! What the random!? I thought we were too small and lame for such delightful experiences!

Going to work early so I can have a solo coffee date before work. Have always wanted to do that.

Snowshoeing with Justin after work. (I know what you're thinking, but I know what I'm getting myself into)

Then sleep early because my flight to California is mother-effen early!

Thanks for all of your well wishes, prayers and love. You folks are good to me. Something I will not forget.

This last week has been really rough, it's not getting any easier and my tears are not slowing. I feel like an empty sack of shit and that life's not worth continuing. This isn't who I am, who I was, or who I wanted to become.

I have a really hard time focusing on work, life and my dogs. I've neglected everything including myself. When I do fall asleep I often wake up in a panic attack when I realize we no longer fight for the same team. That soon he will forever be out of my life. Even worse, he'll hold a hand that isn't mine. Going to sleep and getting out of bed are the hardest times of the day. I can't stop mulling over the reasons (I don't know,) why he doesn't love me. I can't stop thinking about all the things I should have done, or the things I shouldn't have said. I can't help but thinking that my tendon is half of the reason. To be honest I didn't walk through that challenge too gracefully. I have so much regret.

Our anniversary would have been in 5 days and I had been dreaming for months that I would make my Facebook update say, "By the Grace of God I've kept a boyfriend for a year!" I no longer believe in God. Nor is there grace anywhere in my life. A year isn't a long time, but it's enough to realize you wouldn't mind spending the rest of your life a person; it's enough to start dreaming of a happy ending. 

friends || on loving and losing

I must say I have the world's best friends. Though they are only a few, they are mighty.

They know what I need when I am grieving, and hurting. They know I need to be left alone during the day so I can stay focused on my job, or just to cry alone at my desk. They know I need chocolate bars, and long drives to look at the stars. They know I won't feed myself so they take me on dinner dates and won't judge when I order a second beer with my salad that I have yet to touch. They know my love for tea and conversation, and they know when to be quiet and just listen to my pain. They let me keep my mouth on repeat when I say things like, "I just don't understand." and "why can't he just love me?" They never answer these questions, because there are no answers. And I wouldn't want to hear them anyway.

I'm broken and feel very alone. I can't recall a time in my life when I've felt this awful. I can't find an activity or a person that takes my mind off of him for even a minute. My iPod is a constant reminder--every. single. song reminds me of a time we were doing something, or it was an album he gave to me, or a band that he also loves. So music is out. It's been quiet. My own house and dog reminds me of him, tea places, streets, rubber bands from vegetables, salmon, cooking, eating, t.v., books, walking, running, sleeping, brushing my teeth, driving, working, my phone... I can't escape him.
 

I don't want to escape him. I only want to be his sidekick--his witness through life.

At this point in time, it feels like this constant pressure on my chest might never lift, the darkness my never lighten, and I might not be able to love again. I can't imagine anyone else. I wouldn't want to, it hurts far more than anything should. Why we have been designed to feel this much love and pain is beyond my thinking capabilities.

So thank you dear friends for your patients, your love, and your actions. I haven't eaten your chocolate, read your magazine, or listened to the new band recommendations. I can't fathom moving on, and by eating it, or listening to something new, I am. And I can't.

me || on loving and then losing

Grief has the ability to paralyze one. It can make you go breathless. 

At first it can make you act crazy: you say really bizarre things. One might even act irrational--making poor, rash decisions. Anything to get your mind off the grief and agony that one feels within their soul. One might walk around not really knowing where they are headed, or where they've even been. You might find yourself starring at the drink board not able to remember what your morning coffee is. It can cause you to wonder, "How did I even live before this? Did my life even have a purpose before this? Who was that woman before him?" And there really are no answers to those questions, because that was then, and this is now. And now is different.

Now there is hurt, and loss, and breathlessness. Now there is confusion and guilt. Questioning, mulling over, and examining every minute detail with no answers. There is looking up and asking, "God? Are you even watching? Are you even there? And Why?" Because, perhaps, maybe He isn't. Maybe we are really just a science experiment waiting to blow up in our face.

Maybe. But if we are a science experiment, why do we have so many feelings? Why do we have the ability to love each other like we do? Why do we have the natural tendency to lean on someone? Why do we have the natural tendency to love? In grief we question.

I don’t know too much about grieving; what it is supposed to look like; or even how long it might last. It’s messy.  And I ask you to bear with me while I figure this out.

Facebook

I don't miss it. 

I don't miss feeling jealous; I don't miss feeling empty or unworthy; I don't miss the longing for other people's lives or possessions; I don’t miss the burden of attempting to mend pain that is not my own; and I certainly don't miss the hurt or chaos that comes with the gossip. I don't miss the late night "stalking" of my friend's pages to see what they've been up to. 

I enjoy the mystery; the catching up face to face. I like the real instant message in facial expressions.

I can barely handle the burdens those around me carry. Too much information is available to our fingertips; I stumble upon pain, guilt and fear. I walk around in a fog not really knowing how to cope, or deal with the pains in my loved one’s hearts. I don’t quite know how to handle this grief with grace. 

Because, what am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to handle these things that are so much bigger? How am I supposed to move past these boulders and walk the path that lies before me? 

I don’t know. 

I do know that Facebook-and the pain it brings to me-has damaged my relationship with my loved ones. I’d rather stay home, read a book, or cuddle my boyfriend than deal with the pain in my heart. 

Maybe I’m just supposed to do with these big things what I can. Maybe I don’t move them out of the way completely. Maybe I just gently nudge, and with each nudge maybe the burden becomes lighter.

Nevertheless. 

I am at a crossroad: Do I delete my account, or am I to pick and choose who stays, and who goes?

Devil's Advocate

Sometimes you gotta go a little crazy. Sometimes you gotta call your best friend and let it all out. Sometimes you gotta talk about your inner demons, and cry. A lot. And sometimes in public. But at least, your best friend has your hand. And tissue.

I've been my own devil's advocate lately. The devil in me has been testing, rather wearing out, my positive side. Breaking me down. I'm losing sight of myself.

I do not care to expand. I think it is time for me to step back in order to figure it all out.

I've lost touch with my sense of purpose. I have lost sight of God's plan for me. I thought I had it figured out, I was pleased with the Grace He has showered upon me. But, I am lost. Maybe I have lost sight of God. I seem to give Him my leftovers, maybe... I dunno? I need some time.




But the LORD has become my fortress,
and my God the rock in whom I take refuge.
-Psalm 94:22

It's been a long, suffocating week for me. It's been full of please-God-won't-you-do-something lamentations. And a few loud, unanswered, Why's?

I'd like a break. I still feel loss, torn, and broken. I am still very confused and I have been praying nonstop for a relaxing Christmas Vacation so I can have time to figure it all out. So God can show me the answers to my questions in His own way.

I am ready for a break, a break where I can feel peace within me, hopeful for my future and surround myself with loved ones.

I always have really high expectations for this season; I wish each Christmas break is filled with a week of cuddling on the couch with classic Christmas movies, hot chocolate, late nights board game sessions, Christmas Light Tours, and tree hunting with the ones I love.

Most often it is spent in a whirlwind racing to wrap last minute gifts and trying to beat the clock. Perhaps this year I will simply try to enjoy the silent minutes in the chaos.

"Time stands still best in moments that look suspiciously like ordinary life."

- Brian Andreas

If I am still heart broken and crying, I can't imagine what they are going through.

*Tea helps. But it doesn't really fix anything.

*Thanks, you ;)

My friend got some life-changing news today.

There is nothing I can say or do to make it better.

I can only pray and wipe tears. Not good enough.

My breathe has been taken away and has been replaced with fear, and pain.

Fear, and loss. And pain.

My heart is broken, and I don't really know what to say.

I really don't understand God's plan.

I don't get suffering, and I don't get pain.

I can't grasp why some have it harder than others.


If you can shed some light on this, help me.

If you can have coffee to ease my mind, I would like that too.

Please take care of your selves. Please slow down and ask what the outcome could be. Please ask yourself if what you are doing is really worth it. Is this moment of delight worth the pain and suffering that it might cause?
Life, your very own precious life, is fragile, it can unwind on us at anytime. It's very easily breakable. Sometimes you might not be able to pick up the pieces. Sometimes it can't be put back together.

Loss. Hurt. Confusion. I don't understand your plan God. After my initial shock, my loudest question is why?

My Papaya

Not only did we close down one, but two coffee shops in beautiful conversation. 

I indulged myself in 3 wonderful hours or reminiscing, dreaming, and understanding with one of my girl friends whom I adore. I must admit there were many moments where I had one of those, as Operah calls them, "A-ha! moments," when you suddenly realize you're not alone in your feelings. It's glorious relief. Sitting, so elegantly, across the table from me was someone who is equally hiding the same pain I am. Her worry and hurt is from a different place than mine, but we grieve the same; we feel equally upset; we often feel our self worth is, well the equivalence of dirt. But we are wrong. Sometimes we lose sight of this. 

My dear friend and I, I know we are not alone-and perhaps you too, struggle with the feelings of simply, not being adequate enough.

Perhaps I've set our standards for myself too high, or I witness pressure from society. By not allowing my to become molded into something more acceptable: I've neither married nor reproduced; I've never followed through on any of my career endeavors or dreams, and I hate myself for it. I find it's hard to love myself when I don't feel worthy of who I am-or should be. Or, when it seems like I am always on "Stage Left." Except this isn't a play. I am lost in my own way and for myself, I feel without purpose or direction.

How we overcome these struggles, that I do not know.

I need to cry.

Breathe in, Breathe out.

At least I feel real.

Verse of the Day

Verse of the Day on BibleGateway.com

“How well God must like you— you don't hang out at Sin Saloon, you don't slink along Dead-End Road, you don't go to Smart-Mouth College. Instead you thrill to God's Word, you chew on Scripture day and night. You're a tree replanted in Eden, bearing fresh fruit every month, Never dropping a leaf, always in blossom.”

-Psalm 1:1-2 [The Message]

This is not about me, I have been slinking along a dead-end road, I've been bitterly sarcastic - in fact I think I teach at "Smart-Mouth College."

You're not at all like the wicked, who are mere windblown dust— Without defense in court, unfit company for innocent people. God charts the road you take. The road they take is Skid Row.

-Psalm 1:4-6 [The Message]

I've been more like the second part: wicked, windblown and lost. I have been feeling very bitter, angry and mostly alone. Alone, not in the sense that I have no physical persons around, for I have plenty. Alone, as if I am charting uncharted waters and have no other souls to guide me.

The strangest part is that I don't even know what these uncharted waters are? I can't seem to shake this bout of depression that has nestled itself deep within my bones. I keep thinking to myself, "Tomorrow is another day, it will be better. I have so much love," but it doesn't seem to work like it used to.

it's complicated

I am taking an Internet, and gadget hiatus.

Send me an old fashioned post card, or simply come for tea.