I must say I have the world's best friends. Though they are only a few, they are mighty.
They know what I need when I am grieving, and hurting. They know I need to be left alone during the day so I can stay focused on my job, or just to cry alone at my desk. They know I need chocolate bars, and long drives to look at the stars. They know I won't feed myself so they take me on dinner dates and won't judge when I order a second beer with my salad that I have yet to touch. They know my love for tea and conversation, and they know when to be quiet and just listen to my pain. They let me keep my mouth on repeat when I say things like, "I just don't understand." and "why can't he just love me?" They never answer these questions, because there are no answers. And I wouldn't want to hear them anyway.
I'm broken and feel very alone. I can't recall a time in my life when I've felt this awful. I can't find an activity or a person that takes my mind off of him for even a minute. My iPod is a constant reminder--every. single. song reminds me of a time we were doing something, or it was an album he gave to me, or a band that he also loves. So music is out. It's been quiet. My own house and dog reminds me of him, tea places, streets, rubber bands from vegetables, salmon, cooking, eating, t.v., books, walking, running, sleeping, brushing my teeth, driving, working, my phone... I can't escape him.
I don't want to escape him. I only want to be his sidekick--his witness through life.
At this point in time, it feels like this constant pressure on my chest might never lift, the darkness my never lighten, and I might not be able to love again. I can't imagine anyone else. I wouldn't want to, it hurts far more than anything should. Why we have been designed to feel this much love and pain is beyond my thinking capabilities.
So thank you dear friends for your patients, your love, and your actions. I haven't eaten your chocolate, read your magazine, or listened to the new band recommendations. I can't fathom moving on, and by eating it, or listening to something new, I am. And I can't.
If he can just walk away like that he doesn't deserve you at all. It IS his loss and you will have better days. My friend just had her entire house burn down and lost everything. If songs on your IPOD remind you of him then get new songs. There are an endless amount of annoying singers with facial hair and little guitars playing "cutesy" songs that are the work of the devil and exactly what you like. The sooner you see that you are better off, the better off you will be. In time you will find someone who won't leave you. This is a small speedbump in your life. You have big goals...maybe this will be the kick in the ass so you go to cooking school and focus on you for once and then someone will come along and support that dream and realize it with you, not without you....Chin up :)
ReplyDeleteAl Anonymous.
sounds like you have some very understanding friends. that's awesome because during times like this, one really needs someone to lean on and to hold her up.
ReplyDeleteIts difficult to comment because whatever I say, i would be scared to invalidate your feelings or oversimplify your situation, but from experience i can tell you this....
Heartbreak hurts, but you have to seek a way to find who you are again. Just you. You can never lose that. Regardless of 20 years of marriage, 5 years of dating, 3 children, whatever.... Don't ever lose who you are.
Al: I do always seem to focus on someone else other than myself, don't I? I've just always thought that's what you did... But you're right "Al," this is probably the time I do something for me; do Culinary Arts and get on with the rest of my life. It seems impossible that he isn't the one to witness my life, and I to witness his. It doesn't seem possible that there could be anyone better than him out there. How could there be anyone a better fit than someone nearly exactly like me?
ReplyDeleteJillien: I feel you are also a very understanding friend. I never take what you say lightly, and there is always something in your comments that resonates within me. You're right, I can't lose sight of who I am. But at this point, myself is completely lost--understandably so. In time I suppose, but is seems impossible. :)
I can't wait for the day the cloud of sorrow passes and you get angry and wanna say "F*ck you!" to him. You deserve a lot more. You just haven't been with many good guys before and he seemed like the first halfway normal at first guy to come along...There are guys out there that will treat you above and beyond how you've ever been treated and it will fit, in every way, spiritually, physically (hopefully), emotionally, listening to metal...Ohh and what's with the comments needing approval? Very annoying but is there a reason?
ReplyDeleteI blame all this on JCrew...
When I'm feeling down I like to volunteer or something...makes you see perspective and that we still have it better than 90% of the world who are dying and sick and starving and in war and whatever...
ReplyDeleteJohn Hoe