me || on loving and then losing

Grief has the ability to paralyze one. It can make you go breathless. 

At first it can make you act crazy: you say really bizarre things. One might even act irrational--making poor, rash decisions. Anything to get your mind off the grief and agony that one feels within their soul. One might walk around not really knowing where they are headed, or where they've even been. You might find yourself starring at the drink board not able to remember what your morning coffee is. It can cause you to wonder, "How did I even live before this? Did my life even have a purpose before this? Who was that woman before him?" And there really are no answers to those questions, because that was then, and this is now. And now is different.

Now there is hurt, and loss, and breathlessness. Now there is confusion and guilt. Questioning, mulling over, and examining every minute detail with no answers. There is looking up and asking, "God? Are you even watching? Are you even there? And Why?" Because, perhaps, maybe He isn't. Maybe we are really just a science experiment waiting to blow up in our face.

Maybe. But if we are a science experiment, why do we have so many feelings? Why do we have the ability to love each other like we do? Why do we have the natural tendency to lean on someone? Why do we have the natural tendency to love? In grief we question.

I don’t know too much about grieving; what it is supposed to look like; or even how long it might last. It’s messy.  And I ask you to bear with me while I figure this out.