This last week has been really rough, it's not getting any easier and my tears are not slowing. I feel like an empty sack of shit and that life's not worth continuing. This isn't who I am, who I was, or who I wanted to become.

I have a really hard time focusing on work, life and my dogs. I've neglected everything including myself. When I do fall asleep I often wake up in a panic attack when I realize we no longer fight for the same team. That soon he will forever be out of my life. Even worse, he'll hold a hand that isn't mine. Going to sleep and getting out of bed are the hardest times of the day. I can't stop mulling over the reasons (I don't know,) why he doesn't love me. I can't stop thinking about all the things I should have done, or the things I shouldn't have said. I can't help but thinking that my tendon is half of the reason. To be honest I didn't walk through that challenge too gracefully. I have so much regret.

Our anniversary would have been in 5 days and I had been dreaming for months that I would make my Facebook update say, "By the Grace of God I've kept a boyfriend for a year!" I no longer believe in God. Nor is there grace anywhere in my life. A year isn't a long time, but it's enough to realize you wouldn't mind spending the rest of your life a person; it's enough to start dreaming of a happy ending.