30 before 30: Move to Vancouver

I did it. I am here. Vancouver. I move into my apartment on the 15th. I'm excited to get a job and furnish my place. I want to join running clubs, book clubs and just focus on finding myself. I miss my family a lot, and I will miss them insanely more, but I really had to get away from that mess. I feel good here. 

Though a weird part of me feels like I need to take on a big project or achieve some crazy goal - to prove something to myself. My good friend pointed out, that I already did: I moved! I am not sure what I have in mind. 

I have a lot of things I want to accomplish. And, I will. 

My move took a long time. 

Only an hour into our drive and I am already out of the car taking pictures of the scenery. Miss the Yukon much? I think so. 

 I have no idea where this is. Northern BC I think.

 Moose! Tones of wildlife on the road. Bison, Elk, Horses, Moose, Coyotes, Birds, Bears. Dead animals getting eaten by other animals. It was cool to see nature like that. Though I feel guilt for building roads in their living room. 

 Pissed off Weimaraner. Luna hates cars, and he hates when her schedule is messed up. She's been pretty mad at me for the last month. I've left her in a boarding kennel while I am running a race in Victoria. I have some kissing up to do. :( 

See!? trying to get her into the hotel room! I had to physically lift her out. 

I think she is so stressed looking here. 

Won't even smile. But to be fair, I am about to drop her off for two nights and three days at a kennel. Don't believe me, but dogs know your every thought. They are good like that. 

30 day challenge || Saying No

I am a *happy person, but even happy people have rough days and weeks and months. Because I have long considered this a personal space, I choose to blog openly and honestly. This means that sometimes, you - whoever you may be - get a glimpse inside my head, and that glimpse might not always be pretty or tidy or fair or complete. I am a work in progress, and this blog reflects that.

A while back I posted about slowing down to regain some of the happiness I have lost because of circumstances beyond my control.

Two signs, if you will, have placed themselves in front of me. A comment from one of you lovely readers, who shall remain unnamed,  struck a chord within me, and I did not take it lightly. In a sense that I am going to now pay attention. She expressed concerns that one day my stress my actually lead to chronic illness or depression. I thought immediately, "it's like you know me!" Along with her comment about my health and quality of life, I stumbled upon this quote by Shauna Niequist, and it too made me question my life:

"Become a student of your own developing self. Pay attention to what moves you, what you love, what makes you angry, what makes you exhausted. There are no right answers to those kinds of questions, but if you don’t pay attention, you may find yourself several years down the road, living a life that looks good on paper, but doesn’t ring true to the deepest parts of you. That’s a terrible place to be. Become a student of what you love, because what you love flows out of the way God made you.”

This is me paying attention. This is me here. Present.

I'm stepping back. I am asking myself to step back from all commitments for 30 days. As of June 1st, no social functions, no volunteer work, no after-work-walks, no teams to be apart of, no helping with yard work, and no overtime hours at the office. I will have tea, run, and attend church on my terms. I can see you raising your eyebrows and shaking your head, and that's okay. There will be exceptions of course, but I am going out the door with the intention of slowing down and saying no each morning.

It's not because I don't love you, or want to see you. It's that I don't take the time to slow down and pay attention to my own soul. I don't know what I need to make a bad day good, I don't know what moves me, exhausts me or even angers me. I don't know the deepest parts of me. And that's scary. I am not sure if it's a woman thing, or a human thing, but I don't make time for myself. Maybe that it's because I'd rather be busy and distracted than have to pay attention to my body and intuition. I need to get my life back.

I feel I should say no to everything so that, later, I can begin saying yes - one by one - to discover the people and commitments that are most important.

My life is about to change, maybe for the better, maybe not. I don't need to help everyone, and do everything anymore. Sounds selfish, but it's really not; If I am constantly spread so thin, how can I focus solely on the important ones? The ones that count. I won't know how to love you if I don't know how to love myself.

Basically, I'd like to make my life move a bit more slowly. I think that's okay. I won't really apologize for that. I really need a change.

And, let's be honest, I believe I am depressed, and I already have Crohn's Disease. It's time to change something. If you're reading again, your comment was an eyeopener, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. God bless.


*I could be lying. But it sounds better if I lie and say I am happy.

Lately:

I think I just allowed the biggest, burliest, tattooed dude to live in my basement for the summer. Oh please God, don't let him be some kind of psycho killer!

I've been doing yoga and drinking too much beer.

Listening to a lot of hip-hop and classical music. I don't get it either.

Loving my time with Shannon. Dang woman, you're a good listener. Thanks for the perspective.

Eating a lot of take-out and cooking zero. It's depressing to cook for one. Never been good at it. Out-of-the-pot-and-over-the-sink has never been my thing... Yes, that's how I eat when I am alone. Tables with empty chairs depress me.

Being told to keep going over chicken fingers and messy sandwiches. I don't take that lightly, it is easy to crumble and stay there. Thank you.

Sleeping not very much. Constantly having nightmares. Last night a fellow high-school student shot me in the head. People in the street didn't care I was dying.

Walking a lot with Luna. Enjoying the spring smells.

Planning to move.

Asked to job shadow under a caterer here. I don't even care if I get paid!

Reading Born to Run. I'm glad I took a third attempt at it. Also a book on how to make friends. As I have none. And I probably need them

Creating a summer bucket list. It's going to be an action packed last summer here. 

Telling myself, "I just have to adjust to life without him, and that I will be okay." Adapting to an adverse situation. I could have cancer or no legs. This should be easier.

Trying to be grateful. Failing at it.

Forcing myself to focus on me, and my goals for a change.

Learning to let go of the past. It has always been a challenge.

Fixing my house to sell it in June.

If I've missed telling you that I was leaving in the fall, I am sorry that this is how you found out.

Much love, dear friends.

Facebook

I don't miss it. 

I don't miss feeling jealous; I don't miss feeling empty or unworthy; I don't miss the longing for other people's lives or possessions; I don’t miss the burden of attempting to mend pain that is not my own; and I certainly don't miss the hurt or chaos that comes with the gossip. I don't miss the late night "stalking" of my friend's pages to see what they've been up to. 

I enjoy the mystery; the catching up face to face. I like the real instant message in facial expressions.

I can barely handle the burdens those around me carry. Too much information is available to our fingertips; I stumble upon pain, guilt and fear. I walk around in a fog not really knowing how to cope, or deal with the pains in my loved one’s hearts. I don’t quite know how to handle this grief with grace. 

Because, what am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to handle these things that are so much bigger? How am I supposed to move past these boulders and walk the path that lies before me? 

I don’t know. 

I do know that Facebook-and the pain it brings to me-has damaged my relationship with my loved ones. I’d rather stay home, read a book, or cuddle my boyfriend than deal with the pain in my heart. 

Maybe I’m just supposed to do with these big things what I can. Maybe I don’t move them out of the way completely. Maybe I just gently nudge, and with each nudge maybe the burden becomes lighter.

Nevertheless. 

I am at a crossroad: Do I delete my account, or am I to pick and choose who stays, and who goes?

baby steps

Sometimes the fears of our heart can seem as great as the terror of a crashing wave destined to descend upon us. Ack!

First it was the half eaten bag of chips… Now, I’ve given my mister my spare toothbrush and contacts case for use while he spends the odd evening at my place. This was a huge milestone for me, as I try to round up all of his things before he leaves my place, and put them back into his bag, as I can't allow him to settle into my place. It's absolutely frightening to me! After I said he could have this stuff, I almost couldn’t hand them over. 

I’m so weird: I want him to be there ALL OF THE TIME, but leaving a toothbrush at my place is overwhelming!

Baby steps…baby steps…

a new kind of cycling..

I remember when 10 minutes of exercise was peanuts.

Today, after 20 minutes I can't physically turn the pedals any longer.

Oh, Hello Giant Head!

Thank Pintrest and Florence Welch.

Devil's Advocate

Sometimes you gotta go a little crazy. Sometimes you gotta call your best friend and let it all out. Sometimes you gotta talk about your inner demons, and cry. A lot. And sometimes in public. But at least, your best friend has your hand. And tissue.

I've been my own devil's advocate lately. The devil in me has been testing, rather wearing out, my positive side. Breaking me down. I'm losing sight of myself.

I do not care to expand. I think it is time for me to step back in order to figure it all out.

I've lost touch with my sense of purpose. I have lost sight of God's plan for me. I thought I had it figured out, I was pleased with the Grace He has showered upon me. But, I am lost. Maybe I have lost sight of God. I seem to give Him my leftovers, maybe... I dunno? I need some time.




But the LORD has become my fortress,
and my God the rock in whom I take refuge.
-Psalm 94:22

Happy New Year Rob.
My, how a year can change things.

I am excited for your new walk in life.

Hard work pays off.

You're proof of that.

Though you're far, you're near. Peace be with you.

Family.

Today I am thankful, and so very jealous, of the gift that is family.

It has been really nice to visit with a completely new-to-me family. I've enjoyed listening to the reminiscing of stories that are not mine; I love that they still laugh over them-as my family would. I love that they bicker in front of me; I love that they've requested Justin and I to take separate rooms. I love that they made it easy for me not to miss my own as much.

Today I thank God for Justin's family.

Merry Christmas.

First off: Happy Birthday To Jesus. Today, and everyday I live for Him. I celebrate Him. Each day I try to be better for Him. It feels good to give back what He has given me.

I hope that you've all had the chance to celebrate whatever it is that you celebrate: family, love, God, or whatever. I hope it was lovely for you. I hope you ate, and laughed with your loved ones. I hope you stumbled upon new traditions, and practiced the old ones too. I hope you snuggled on the couch, and had the chance to dust off your ice skates. I hope you indulged in delicious hot cocoa. Because, these are only a few of my cherished Christmas memories, but essential for the holiday season.

My Christmas with Justin has been fantastic. We've done nearly nothing except eat good food and surround ourselves with his closest loved ones while laughing a lot. When I was thinking about coming here, I was incredibly frightened by all of these new-to-me traditions, new faces, and new food. But in the end, I was being overly dramatic. It has been lovely.

It's been a long, suffocating week for me. It's been full of please-God-won't-you-do-something lamentations. And a few loud, unanswered, Why's?

I'd like a break. I still feel loss, torn, and broken. I am still very confused and I have been praying nonstop for a relaxing Christmas Vacation so I can have time to figure it all out. So God can show me the answers to my questions in His own way.

I am ready for a break, a break where I can feel peace within me, hopeful for my future and surround myself with loved ones.

I always have really high expectations for this season; I wish each Christmas break is filled with a week of cuddling on the couch with classic Christmas movies, hot chocolate, late nights board game sessions, Christmas Light Tours, and tree hunting with the ones I love.

Most often it is spent in a whirlwind racing to wrap last minute gifts and trying to beat the clock. Perhaps this year I will simply try to enjoy the silent minutes in the chaos.

"Time stands still best in moments that look suspiciously like ordinary life."

- Brian Andreas

If I am still heart broken and crying, I can't imagine what they are going through.

*Tea helps. But it doesn't really fix anything.

*Thanks, you ;)

Being Ridiculous

I rubbed my leg, calf, ankle and toes for 30 minutes tonight. Then proceeded to talk to it. I sent it positive thoughts and words of encouragement. I told it about the miles we'd soon be covering. Hopefully it helps.

It's less swollen than last week, but still has a painful, tingly sensation on the outer half on my toes and top of the foot.

I am trying hard at remaining pleasant, but on a good day, I can't even stand myself.

Sorry if you've been blessed with my presence lately. But when you lose your independence, and not by choice, it can make one's self bitter. I feel like a burden to those who still remain around me. I am struggling with this as I know it is only building character. However, this current character is not working for me.

My Papaya

Not only did we close down one, but two coffee shops in beautiful conversation. 

I indulged myself in 3 wonderful hours or reminiscing, dreaming, and understanding with one of my girl friends whom I adore. I must admit there were many moments where I had one of those, as Operah calls them, "A-ha! moments," when you suddenly realize you're not alone in your feelings. It's glorious relief. Sitting, so elegantly, across the table from me was someone who is equally hiding the same pain I am. Her worry and hurt is from a different place than mine, but we grieve the same; we feel equally upset; we often feel our self worth is, well the equivalence of dirt. But we are wrong. Sometimes we lose sight of this. 

My dear friend and I, I know we are not alone-and perhaps you too, struggle with the feelings of simply, not being adequate enough.

Perhaps I've set our standards for myself too high, or I witness pressure from society. By not allowing my to become molded into something more acceptable: I've neither married nor reproduced; I've never followed through on any of my career endeavors or dreams, and I hate myself for it. I find it's hard to love myself when I don't feel worthy of who I am-or should be. Or, when it seems like I am always on "Stage Left." Except this isn't a play. I am lost in my own way and for myself, I feel without purpose or direction.

How we overcome these struggles, that I do not know.

I need to cry.

Breathe in, Breathe out.

At least I feel real.

I am currently writing a post on why I think it is important to celebrate all things big and small. Even the things that make you feel sad should be celebrated - I believe.

However, I have not had the time to finish it - I have been reading a lot. These are some good books.

On a completely different note: my cast came off today so I could meet with the surgeon. I am getting the surgery. But that's not the cool part, the cool part is that my left calf muscle is now almost 2 inches smaller than the right.

Okay it's not cool, but it's amazing how the body deteriorates so quickly!

dream big

I am gathering information and employing my imagination in preparing myself for what is to come: Life.

My 29th birthday is rapidly approaching and I feel as if 30 is a shorter distance away; it is time to get going before the going has up and left me.

It is easy for me to feel as though my life has no purpose and is without meaning - as you know, this is not the life I would have chosen if it were up to me. I know I am an important role in my work place as it could not function without me, but that does not automatically fill one with the satisfaction and lust for life that one needs.

My passion is in food. I don’t mean the mundane task of eating the food placed in front of us at each meal. I mean the bringing together of our loved ones; the reuniting with long lost friends; the falling in love with a stranger. We build our lives around food. We nourish our souls along side our family and friends. Our busy lives disconnect and separate us, but dinner will always encourage sharing and warmth.

It is in these moments while gathered around the table that I love to step back and watch life unfold its beauty. I take pleasure in knowing that a simple dish can create life. It brings reminiscing, makes plans for the future, and comforts us in ways only our loved ones know how.

Therefore, the way I see it, the maker of food makes life. Who wouldn’t want to be a chef?

- "Be ignited, or be gone." - Mary Oliver

it's complicated

I am taking an Internet, and gadget hiatus.

Send me an old fashioned post card, or simply come for tea.

I Miss Library Visits

Our library has been closed for the last few weeks while they move to its new building! Which is exciting, don't get me wrong but, I thought I had rented enough books to keep me busy through their transition. I was wrong, I'm out.

I found myself, without knowing, leafing trough a handful of Glamour and Chatelaine Magazines! WTF Library!? Look what you've made me succumb to! I feel my brain cells dieing off at an alarming rate!

Last night I learned how to properly apply foundation. Wow.