30 day challenge || Saying No

I am a *happy person, but even happy people have rough days and weeks and months. Because I have long considered this a personal space, I choose to blog openly and honestly. This means that sometimes, you - whoever you may be - get a glimpse inside my head, and that glimpse might not always be pretty or tidy or fair or complete. I am a work in progress, and this blog reflects that.

A while back I posted about slowing down to regain some of the happiness I have lost because of circumstances beyond my control.

Two signs, if you will, have placed themselves in front of me. A comment from one of you lovely readers, who shall remain unnamed,  struck a chord within me, and I did not take it lightly. In a sense that I am going to now pay attention. She expressed concerns that one day my stress my actually lead to chronic illness or depression. I thought immediately, "it's like you know me!" Along with her comment about my health and quality of life, I stumbled upon this quote by Shauna Niequist, and it too made me question my life:

"Become a student of your own developing self. Pay attention to what moves you, what you love, what makes you angry, what makes you exhausted. There are no right answers to those kinds of questions, but if you don’t pay attention, you may find yourself several years down the road, living a life that looks good on paper, but doesn’t ring true to the deepest parts of you. That’s a terrible place to be. Become a student of what you love, because what you love flows out of the way God made you.”

This is me paying attention. This is me here. Present.

I'm stepping back. I am asking myself to step back from all commitments for 30 days. As of June 1st, no social functions, no volunteer work, no after-work-walks, no teams to be apart of, no helping with yard work, and no overtime hours at the office. I will have tea, run, and attend church on my terms. I can see you raising your eyebrows and shaking your head, and that's okay. There will be exceptions of course, but I am going out the door with the intention of slowing down and saying no each morning.

It's not because I don't love you, or want to see you. It's that I don't take the time to slow down and pay attention to my own soul. I don't know what I need to make a bad day good, I don't know what moves me, exhausts me or even angers me. I don't know the deepest parts of me. And that's scary. I am not sure if it's a woman thing, or a human thing, but I don't make time for myself. Maybe that it's because I'd rather be busy and distracted than have to pay attention to my body and intuition. I need to get my life back.

I feel I should say no to everything so that, later, I can begin saying yes - one by one - to discover the people and commitments that are most important.

My life is about to change, maybe for the better, maybe not. I don't need to help everyone, and do everything anymore. Sounds selfish, but it's really not; If I am constantly spread so thin, how can I focus solely on the important ones? The ones that count. I won't know how to love you if I don't know how to love myself.

Basically, I'd like to make my life move a bit more slowly. I think that's okay. I won't really apologize for that. I really need a change.

And, let's be honest, I believe I am depressed, and I already have Crohn's Disease. It's time to change something. If you're reading again, your comment was an eyeopener, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. God bless.


*I could be lying. But it sounds better if I lie and say I am happy.