Depression || The blackness

I was prescribed an antidepressant medication today.

It says in the warning, I am able to get worse before I get better. That I might consider harming myself; I might not sleep, or I might fall asleep accidentally; I might have disturbing dreams; become angry and violent; and develop repetitive behaviors. I should consider having a caregiver around until my dosage has been figured out. (Watch out for me, dear friends?)

I am just hoping for a reprieve. It's been well over a year since I've been happy. With Justin, I thought I was happy, but looking back I might have only been content – which is not enough. I still lacked passion, and direction. Though he did bring a lot of light, it was still very dark. Him breaking up with me was merely the cookie to make me crumble. And, somewhere deep down, I might someday be able to thank him for this. Maybe now, I might learn to be happy. (But I still miss him. Don’t confuse that with “I am over it” J )

Recently: I cry more than any normal person should, I don't care to eat, cook, or clean, I don't care to see my friends, or run. I can't focus at work, or carry out my daily responsibilities at home. When I step back and think about it, I wonder, is there a point to me being in the flesh? 

That's how I realized I needed help. It's a frightening thought when you realize you've just admitted to yourself there could be no reason to be here. There is a difference between being sad, and being sad for no reason. A sadness deep in your bones that does not want to go away after time and effort. It’s not something anyone wants to readily admit.

I understand that I am blessed, that I have great friends, that my family does, somewhere under all of their criticism, love me, that I am financially okay, and that my future is bright. But that’s not how I see it. I practice making lists on why my life is something to be envious of, but that doesn’t help. It makes me hate myself more for being sad when I have it so good. Then I am a failure…and it spirals from there. It’s awful. It’s exhausting. It’s black.

I guess, I am only trying to inform you on how I feel. I’ve tried to talk to some of you about it and you’ve brushed me off by telling me I needed, “exercise and a combination of certain vitamins,” or, “think of the starving children in Africa without clean water to drink.” Which I understand, I too know nothing about depression or other mental heath issues. If you know me well enough, you already know I struggle with showing any signs of weakness, and asking for help is not something I can easily do. I’m not sure there is anything any one person could do or say; I suppose this is a dark valley I have to go at alone. I can only hope I make it out the other side, - alive, and whole. Until then, I just ask you to kindly walk with me. Hold my hand if I ask. Be there, as I could only hope to be there for you when you need me.

And until the peak of that valley presents itself, I feel I should no longer keep my blog current. 

Take care of yourself, dear friends. Dance in the rain.