The Moment It All Changed

I haven't been having the best of weeks so I decided to reach back into the old me and get out my "old IPod" which reminds me of times that I was not anything like the me I am now. Back in the day I did a lot of things I am not really that proud of, things I'd never do now. I don't talk much about those days because mostly I am embarrassed for myself. I served a couple of girls tonight who reminded me a lot of my old self. I hope they don't make the same mistakes I did.

On my drive home tonight I was thinking about my past life and who I once was. I was a train wreck waiting to happen, but I was really happy, and very healthy at the time. I was a machine. I made a lot of mistakes, and I have a lot of regrets from those days, but I was happy while making them. When I sit here and think about it, I can almost see those days happening before me and I imagine God looking down at me shaking his head and rolling his eyes thinking, "Where did I go wrong with that one?" Back then God really got my left overs, no, he got the left overs the dog wouldn't eat. I knew God, but not anything like I do today.

I was a wreck. I slept around a lot and I got really drunk almost every night. I was self-sabotaging, and self-destructive. I played guys like they were board games: at one point I was seeing four boys, four boys, and I got away with it too! I ruined friendships - I was seeing a guy who I really, really, really liked and was crushed when he left to Spain for a few months. So when he left, I started sleeping with his best friend for no reason! Needless to say, when he got back from his trip it was his turn to play me. I was well played and I deserved it. The part that makes me laugh, and it shouldn't, is that he wrote on the bathroom wall at his work place, "For a good time call ***, she'll suck your di%k and take it in the a$$," (which isn't true) and I got quite a few calls. The worst part was that I had a really good job in insurance and blew it - I quit because I'd rather work at the bar where I can drink for free whenever I wanted to. I was such a mess and then some.

It wasn't until one night where I was nearly raped in a park by a "friend" that my eyes opened to what my life had become. He was supposed to be walking me home to my best friend's place a few blocks away. We'd made it 2 blocks before he had pulled me into a park, pushed me down, pulled my pants down, held me down with his knees and put his fingers inside of me. All I could do was scream but at that time of the night and place in this city there are never people around, so it was no use. He kept saying that, "it was going to feel good and that I would like it." I kept saying, "stop you're my ex's best friend." Clearly he didn't care about his friends so I had to try something different because I couldn't bare to have him get any farther than he had already gotten. I can't imagine what could have happened. I am thankful that I have a way with words and was able to convince him that if I could pull my pants back up I'd give him a blow job. Thankfully he fell for it. I don't think I've ever run so fast in my life. Adrenaline, panic, fear, and anxiety are the things that got me through.

It was this event that turned my life around. It's this moment that made me the square, anti-fun, sit-alone-at-home-on-Friday-night-reading-science-magazines that I am today. Though the transition hasn't been easy and I was a mess for most of the time (and still am), I think I've nearly become comfortable with myself. I still have trouble being alone, I still feel like puking when I see him around town. I still struggle. I'm having less fun now, but I think in the end I'll be better off.

The whole point of this blog was not to tell a tale, or spill my secrets, but to post some songs from my previous life. This is what I used to listen to. Proudly I can say I still do.

Here goes:

The Hip always make my days brighter:




Best for last :]











Lastly, this is why I wanted to play the guitar: