Counseling || On Saving My Life

We talk about my dad a lot.

It's absolutely clear to them that my family causes me anxiety, depression and guilt.

They feel leaving my job, and clearly outlining a plan for my life is what I need to do.

They've enrolled me in a group, much like AA, to help me deal with my depression and anxiety.

We talk one on three, once a week, and sometimes by phone if I have moments of weakness.

They help me a lot, and get things out of me that I didn't know I felt.

They are teaching me practical ways to cope with my feelings, self-destructive thoughts and behaviors.

It's a start. I don't feel better; I'm still looking through the glass darkly, but I know there is hope for me. 

Hunting for joy takes time.

Happy dancing, dear friends.

Depression || The blackness

I was prescribed an antidepressant medication today.

It says in the warning, I am able to get worse before I get better. That I might consider harming myself; I might not sleep, or I might fall asleep accidentally; I might have disturbing dreams; become angry and violent; and develop repetitive behaviors. I should consider having a caregiver around until my dosage has been figured out. (Watch out for me, dear friends?)

I am just hoping for a reprieve. It's been well over a year since I've been happy. With Justin, I thought I was happy, but looking back I might have only been content – which is not enough. I still lacked passion, and direction. Though he did bring a lot of light, it was still very dark. Him breaking up with me was merely the cookie to make me crumble. And, somewhere deep down, I might someday be able to thank him for this. Maybe now, I might learn to be happy. (But I still miss him. Don’t confuse that with “I am over it” J )

Recently: I cry more than any normal person should, I don't care to eat, cook, or clean, I don't care to see my friends, or run. I can't focus at work, or carry out my daily responsibilities at home. When I step back and think about it, I wonder, is there a point to me being in the flesh? 

That's how I realized I needed help. It's a frightening thought when you realize you've just admitted to yourself there could be no reason to be here. There is a difference between being sad, and being sad for no reason. A sadness deep in your bones that does not want to go away after time and effort. It’s not something anyone wants to readily admit.

I understand that I am blessed, that I have great friends, that my family does, somewhere under all of their criticism, love me, that I am financially okay, and that my future is bright. But that’s not how I see it. I practice making lists on why my life is something to be envious of, but that doesn’t help. It makes me hate myself more for being sad when I have it so good. Then I am a failure…and it spirals from there. It’s awful. It’s exhausting. It’s black.

I guess, I am only trying to inform you on how I feel. I’ve tried to talk to some of you about it and you’ve brushed me off by telling me I needed, “exercise and a combination of certain vitamins,” or, “think of the starving children in Africa without clean water to drink.” Which I understand, I too know nothing about depression or other mental heath issues. If you know me well enough, you already know I struggle with showing any signs of weakness, and asking for help is not something I can easily do. I’m not sure there is anything any one person could do or say; I suppose this is a dark valley I have to go at alone. I can only hope I make it out the other side, - alive, and whole. Until then, I just ask you to kindly walk with me. Hold my hand if I ask. Be there, as I could only hope to be there for you when you need me.

And until the peak of that valley presents itself, I feel I should no longer keep my blog current. 

Take care of yourself, dear friends. Dance in the rain. 

30 before 30: Conversation with a stranger

I needed some alone time today. It's been a go.

I took my dog and decided to eat my lunch at Arts in The Park, an hour of local music in a park over lunch; I knew I would know nobody there. And I was right, the music was lovely and the kids danced. It made me smile to watch them celebrate their innocent joy. As they always do. 

After the music was over I started to read my book, a random man asked me about my dog so we did that awkward small-talk thing about her not being good with the winter, etc. We ended up getting into an hour's length conversation about traveling, life and love. Neither of us knew what was happening in our own lives, but we knew we didn't belong in our current place. We both admitted that we needed to do some soul searching.

There is something beautiful about conversing with someone who doesn't know the other’s hurt, and being free to express yourself because you know in a few minutes you'll never see them again. It's liberating. It's educational. It's good to know you're not alone. It's humbling to realize across the table from you sits a man that has once walked the same path you're currently on. 

He made my large empty world feel smaller, more home-like.

(Not coffee with a stranger, but nonetheless, it was a good conversation) 

Mental Health

I made an appointment with Mental Health today.

Cried like a baby during the assessment.

But to be honest, I cry like a baby nearly every day.

It's hard to admit to someone that you're broken.

30 day challenge || Saying No

I am a *happy person, but even happy people have rough days and weeks and months. Because I have long considered this a personal space, I choose to blog openly and honestly. This means that sometimes, you - whoever you may be - get a glimpse inside my head, and that glimpse might not always be pretty or tidy or fair or complete. I am a work in progress, and this blog reflects that.

A while back I posted about slowing down to regain some of the happiness I have lost because of circumstances beyond my control.

Two signs, if you will, have placed themselves in front of me. A comment from one of you lovely readers, who shall remain unnamed,  struck a chord within me, and I did not take it lightly. In a sense that I am going to now pay attention. She expressed concerns that one day my stress my actually lead to chronic illness or depression. I thought immediately, "it's like you know me!" Along with her comment about my health and quality of life, I stumbled upon this quote by Shauna Niequist, and it too made me question my life:

"Become a student of your own developing self. Pay attention to what moves you, what you love, what makes you angry, what makes you exhausted. There are no right answers to those kinds of questions, but if you don’t pay attention, you may find yourself several years down the road, living a life that looks good on paper, but doesn’t ring true to the deepest parts of you. That’s a terrible place to be. Become a student of what you love, because what you love flows out of the way God made you.”

This is me paying attention. This is me here. Present.

I'm stepping back. I am asking myself to step back from all commitments for 30 days. As of June 1st, no social functions, no volunteer work, no after-work-walks, no teams to be apart of, no helping with yard work, and no overtime hours at the office. I will have tea, run, and attend church on my terms. I can see you raising your eyebrows and shaking your head, and that's okay. There will be exceptions of course, but I am going out the door with the intention of slowing down and saying no each morning.

It's not because I don't love you, or want to see you. It's that I don't take the time to slow down and pay attention to my own soul. I don't know what I need to make a bad day good, I don't know what moves me, exhausts me or even angers me. I don't know the deepest parts of me. And that's scary. I am not sure if it's a woman thing, or a human thing, but I don't make time for myself. Maybe that it's because I'd rather be busy and distracted than have to pay attention to my body and intuition. I need to get my life back.

I feel I should say no to everything so that, later, I can begin saying yes - one by one - to discover the people and commitments that are most important.

My life is about to change, maybe for the better, maybe not. I don't need to help everyone, and do everything anymore. Sounds selfish, but it's really not; If I am constantly spread so thin, how can I focus solely on the important ones? The ones that count. I won't know how to love you if I don't know how to love myself.

Basically, I'd like to make my life move a bit more slowly. I think that's okay. I won't really apologize for that. I really need a change.

And, let's be honest, I believe I am depressed, and I already have Crohn's Disease. It's time to change something. If you're reading again, your comment was an eyeopener, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. God bless.


*I could be lying. But it sounds better if I lie and say I am happy.

30 before 30: Grand Canyon

As you know, my 29th birthday was a week ago, so I decided about a month ago I should try to complete 30 goals before I turn 30. Yes, typical of me to leave things to the very last minute- I know. When I finish editing my list I will post it, but I have to be careful what I put on it as I am soon to be out of a job and house... 

So, here is the first thing I've done on my list. Hiking in the Grand Canyon. I've just returned from three days there. It was humbling to say the least. You don't realize how small and insignificant you are until you've been somewhere so magical, for the lack of a better word. 

I asked one of my best friends to share the experience with me. God love her for tolerating my driving, picky eating and terribly smelly armpits.. 

 On the first day, we were lucky to make it in-time for the solar eclipse. We sat on the edge of the canyon wall watching the eclipse. Sorry about the camera shake, I didn't bring a tripod. 

 North meets South in the East. 

We took a break for lunch here. It was quiet with lots of space to think.

 The trail at the top on our way back.

Powell Lake Damn where we started on our rafting journey down the Colorado River. 

 Fly Fishing in the river

Shannon and I after our hiking adventure down the South Kaibab Trail. 

What am I not reading?

"You must be joking," he said. "Look around. Think for a moment. It's the middle of the night, not a soul anywhere. In this city, at this time. Not a dog in the gutter. Empty. Except for this elephant -- and you're going to tell your idiot friends about it? Why? Do you think they'll understand it? Do you think it will matter to them? .... You must understand, this is one of those moments."

"What moments?"
 

"One of those moments you keep to yourself," he said.

- The Tiger's Wife, by Tea Obreht

29.

There are some years, I think, that call for quieter, more peace-filled celebrations.

So far it has been one of those, and I am grateful.

I think the quiet years may be the ones that suit me best, the ones that remind me of the gift of introspection, of close friends and meaningful relationships.

Smaller and quieter, I realize, doesn't mean any less joy-filled.

This year, there is no blow-out birthday party. I didn't even give my birthday much thought. When asked what I wanted to do for the big day, I simply didn't have an answer. It's not that I was ambivalent. It's just that this year, I've felt quiet, at peace. Content.

I think it's okay.

Because sometimes, the years are about self-discovery, about sitting back and eating cupcakes and planning small adventures and setting down new roots and being grateful for the life you have. Other years are about exploring, about taking big leaps and making big decisions.

Maybe 29 will look like that later; I guess I can't be too sure. I am, however, slightly allowing myself to entertain the idea of soul searching.  

For now, though, 29 looks calm and happy and peaceful and bright.

I am blessed.

And I thank you for celebrating with me. 

Much love dear friends.

Reflecting upon this:

Become a student of your own developing self. Pay attention to what moves you, what you love, what makes you angry, what makes you exhausted. There are no right answers to those kinds of questions, but if you don’t pay attention, you may find yourself several years down the road, living a life that looks good on paper, but doesn’t ring true to the deepest parts of you. That’s a terrible place to be. Become a student of what you love, because what you love flows out of the way God made you.”

– Shauna Niequist

inspirations week five

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love."

-Neil Gaiman 

running partner || on loving and losing

I hung out with him last night. We ran the Thursday Night Trail Run that Athletics Yukon puts on each week. It was about 5.7 km. He was a good sport. No complaints, stayed with me the whole time. I could tell the pace was a near crawl by his footfall...

I didn't think I could do it. But that's the thing with Justin, he makes me do things I believe I can't do. He has this way of making everything seem easy. Before yesterday I haven't run more than one minute and thirty seconds because that is all my iPod tells me to do. But with Justin I ran for maybe 30 minutes (at least it felt an hour) without stopping! Eventually the hills caught up to my calves and I had to ask him to walk. But, he walked along side me, complaint free. As any good running partner would. 

I get asked a lot why I still see him. It seems insane to people that I wouldn't cut all ties, but everything around Justin is easy. That's why this is so hard. The pain in my heart is better, not absent, but better around him. Except the moment he gets out of the car without kissing me-that sucks.

Nonetheless, I'll take a running friend who is willing to stick it through my rehab process over cutting all ties. Plus, I need the push, and he does that.

Friends for twenty-three years

 

Me, Lindsay and Krystal on our second Java date this week! BFFs For life. 

I may look grumpy, but I am trying to hide my excitement by being around them with my frown.  

Krystal (right,) flew into surprise me on Monday. On Sunday we talked for close to an hour and she gave me no clue she'd be here the next day. 

These two were sneaking around behind my back planning this whole thing! 

On Monday: Lindsay (middle) text me saying she needed to see me right away, but I asked her if she was okay.. yadda yadda yadda. I was at book club, couldn't come. She said it could wait for our regular lunch date the following day. But she really tried hard to get me to leave book club. They were together, trying to surprise me. I just thought she was having a bad day. 

Tuesday Morning: Lindsay text me. Asked if we could change our date to an earlier time at The Java Connection. My favorite place. So yes! 

I pick up my friend, still clueless of what was about to come, we drive to the sandwich shop. I walk in. Notice a very familiar face. Hit Lindsay on the arm while gasping, "Krystal?"

Lindsay: "Surprise"

Me: "You bastards, is this what you were doing last night?" I cause a scene. But who wouldn't? Your longest best friend surprised you at lunch with her presence! I hadn't seen her in a year! 

It must have taken at least half of our lunch for me to settle down and stop saying, "I can't believe this!" It really was a good surprise.

 

Krystal is my longest friend. She was the first person I met when I moved here. 23 years ago. And holy, man am I glad she is a flight attendant!

busy || on loving and losing

Other than the day Tabby passed, and her funeral, I don't remember the last night I stayed at home. I've been busy with social functions and things I've committed myself to. I stop now to wonder if maybe I've done this as a preventive measure. Perhaps I am avoiding the facts that now I am single, and have no idea where my life is headed. That I still find myself fetal-postioned sobbing uncontrollably on the kitchen floor when I try to make dinner. That I can't take the pictures down; that I can't tell a random stranger we broke up (yes, my roommate thinks I have a boyfriend...he moved in less than a week ago.) I'm a mess.

In five months I will be jobless, homeless and in a city I will attempt to call home. Until January, I am letting the wind blow me. I have some things brewing in my mind. Mostly solo adventures. Mostly quiet time.

But, I wonder, am I making to many changes? They won't heal the pain in my heart, or make it feel whole again.  People say time, but I don't know if I believe that or not.

Either way, I am busy until "time" comes.

inspirations week four

"I went inside and I wrote: It is midnight. It is raining. It was not midnight. It was not raining. 

–Samuel Beckett

30 before 30

Incomplete an in no particular order.

I've still got some editing to do. 

I am being conservative since I've only got one year and a week to do all of this. 

Soon I will be jobless and homeless, so I must think wisely in order to succeed. 

I'm open to your suggestions.