Sometimes the sheer thought of life makes me so scared.

The idea that we're here to tolerate it until we die doesn't seem right to me.

We must have a purpose. Something more.

Otherwise this is a terrible game we are playing.

Growth. Change. Repeat.

Without struggle there is no growth. This goes for any type of struggle, whether its a ruptured tendon, a broken heart, or a mental barrier that interferes with your day, it is the process of getting through it that makes you who you are.

I feel like I am constantly struggling, struggling to figure out who I am and what I want. Struggling to get where I am going. Struggling to understand this wild world.

A teacher once told me, "The average person changes their career seven times throughout their life." I am definitely one of those. At first I thought this was okay, that I was continuously growing and open minded; but it has turned out to be more like I don't know who I am and how to be satisfied with my choices.  I wondered if this could be some type of side effect or symptom of my depression.

I recently withdrew my seat in culinary arts for January. It’s not that that’s not what I want to do anymore - I am afraid I will spend my life chasing happiness. (Yes, we have to fight to be happy, and happiness is a worth it. But at times, I wonder if I am just running.)

I’m smart. I like to work hard. I like projects and to problem solve. I need to be challeneged. I love helping people. I like to teach and to motivate people.  I like being part of a team.

However, I don’t want to teach math or science to kids that would rather be elsewhere, as I once thought I did. I don’t want to instruct people on how to do a burpee, or lead an hour-long step class anymore. Nor do I want to be an exercise physiologist like I did fresh out of high school. Though these are all highly interesting fields and paths. I just need more. More of what, though? 

In reality I think baking cupcakes and decorating wedding cakes will only satisfy my love for creating and I will have this gaping hole - the cooperate world – leering at me. I am afraid I will bake for a few years, and want to return to the world of finance. I will have to start at the bottom of the chain all over again. I do love my job in accounting, and the finance world.  

You see? I am stuck. I’ve been down this road more than once. I should know what to do as it is a familiar place, but this time I am lost.

Until I figure it out, I’ve decided it’s best to wait. Wait it out like we wait out the rain. 

I'm employed!

Exciting news! Though I don't feel excited about it.

I got a job. Accounting for a mining sales company. In Richmond. I travel 45minutes each way. But it's a start.

Other than focusing on getting a job, I've not been up to much. My brother came down, then my sister followed a week later. This week my mom and dad where here. So it hasn't been lonely.

I am sending a care package to my grandma. She doesn't do the computer thing, so I mail her random photos of what I have been up to, and collecting them has made me home sick.

I had some awesome adventures this summer.

In search of Church

I'm finding it nearly as hard to find a new church home as it is to find my perfect boyfriend.

I've been to two so far and they're not feeling 'right'. One minister pretended as if they knew me, and the other I was the youngest by about 30 years.

I know I can find, and worship God equally in both places, but bible study and congregation are a huge deal to me.

I will wait. I will try again next week.

Rejoice in our confident hope. Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying. -Romans 12:12 NLT

30 before 30: Move to Vancouver

I did it. I am here. Vancouver. I move into my apartment on the 15th. I'm excited to get a job and furnish my place. I want to join running clubs, book clubs and just focus on finding myself. I miss my family a lot, and I will miss them insanely more, but I really had to get away from that mess. I feel good here. 

Though a weird part of me feels like I need to take on a big project or achieve some crazy goal - to prove something to myself. My good friend pointed out, that I already did: I moved! I am not sure what I have in mind. 

I have a lot of things I want to accomplish. And, I will. 

My move took a long time. 

Only an hour into our drive and I am already out of the car taking pictures of the scenery. Miss the Yukon much? I think so. 

 I have no idea where this is. Northern BC I think.

 Moose! Tones of wildlife on the road. Bison, Elk, Horses, Moose, Coyotes, Birds, Bears. Dead animals getting eaten by other animals. It was cool to see nature like that. Though I feel guilt for building roads in their living room. 

 Pissed off Weimaraner. Luna hates cars, and he hates when her schedule is messed up. She's been pretty mad at me for the last month. I've left her in a boarding kennel while I am running a race in Victoria. I have some kissing up to do. :( 

See!? trying to get her into the hotel room! I had to physically lift her out. 

I think she is so stressed looking here. 

Won't even smile. But to be fair, I am about to drop her off for two nights and three days at a kennel. Don't believe me, but dogs know your every thought. They are good like that. 

30 before 30: Qualify for New York Marathon

I didn't qualify today. I did not come close, but I feel ever so proud of myself and my running journey. 

September 23, 2012 marked the one year anniversary of completely rupturing my achillie's tendon while playing squash. Today I ran The Goodlife Fitness Victoria Marathon!! I finished in 4 hours, 11 minutes and 18 seconds. I got 38 out of 129 in my category and was the 264th female to cross the line out of 837 awesome women. I was hoping to be under 4 hours, but I must say I feel pretty proud of myself today, and must keep in mind back in May I couldn't run longer than 1 and a half minutes. 

It was mentally challenging, and I have more blisters on my feet than I wished for, and my legs are so sore I might become stuck on the toilet later. :) 

18 weeks of training to get here:

 Before the start of the race. Rockin' my awesome sweats!

Feeling awesome. 

 Good friend Justin and I. Our future is so bright we need sunglasses! Thankful for his love of running too. I need more insane friends in my life.

Sweaty shirt, and medal. awe-yeah! Good day 

30 before 30: Get Baptized

On September 15, 2012, I said I do, to the Lord. It feels right. I was pretty nervous in front of the large crowd, but I got over it. 

 Laying on hands, these kids are so cute. I love them. 

I love my minister Bev C Brazier and the United Church of Whitehorse. She's become a best friend, and I hope I will always remain close with her. She inspires me. 

Church

Sometimes I think my heart is already so full of pain that when I hear of any more pain it spills over and I begin to weep.

I cry for people I have never met. I cry for people who do not live in my own country. I cry a lot. I cry for mostly unfit reasons.

I am off my anti-depression medicine because I thought I had it figured out, and with the anticipation of my new life I'd be too excited to be sad. I suppose I was off slightly.

I can barely make it through the prayer's of the people at Church. There is a lot if hurt out there.

I lost my anxiety medication a week ago and being jobless doesn't allow me get new stuff.

There I was anxiety attack mid-shower. I'm losing my shit.

Running Group: "Hills are awesome!" Said none of us, ever!

I'm gunna miss my Thursday night group. 

We ran 10 miles across the top of a mountain and back tonight. 

Six peaks to go up, and over to get to the summit. 

 Then we had to turn around and head home, over the same six peaks we just staggered over.

30 before 30: Hike in Denali National Park

I spent 10 days travelling the State of Alaska. I drove 3,400 Kilometres. Took over 500 pictures, and ate out of way too many dehydrated food bags. 

I met a lot of really cool people and saw even more great things.

I learnt a lot about myself. I found peace in the rain, and got more and more depressed the closer I got to home proving the move to Vancouver is not by any means a mistake. 

New shoes! First run in them! 

Luna and I chilling at the beach in Seward. The only blue sky while I was in that funky town. 

My favourite place of the trip. 

Mount Marathon. I hike half-way up and got pepper sprayed.. She wanted to make sure it works. It worked.

When you can only carry 4L of water at a time and you are never really sure where the next refill comes from, you learn a new kind of respect for the land. 

Moose! A baby moose allowed me to hang out with it on a park path in Anchorage, AK 

The bus that took me 89 miles into the National Park of Denali. 6 hours on this thing is enough. 

Mt. McKinley. This picture does it no justice. We are still 30 or 40 miles as the bird flies to the peak. There are about 50 days a year when you can actually see it. I lucked out. 

Long live the river! 

Yep, love books. 

30 before 30 Spreading Jim in the Tombstones

I actually hiked and spread Jimmy on July 1, 2012. Two months ago... I am getting really bad at posting. Sorry. 

I was all alone out here. 

Could never grow tired of these mountains.

I dug a hole and put her ashes in the ground here. E.M.O.T.I.O.N.A.L! 

Alaska Bound.

A week from today, I'm heading to Alaska for 10 days. I'll be spending it with Luna fishing, hiking and bumming around the coast.

Hiking in Denali is on my 30 before 30. I haven't put much thought into it yet. I'm excited. I'm scared. I'm looking forward to a break from my phone-family-job.

Hopefully after Alaska I will have time to update this thing more often.

Until then, keep dancing.

30 days of saying no. I'm alive.

Consecutively, I've not said no for thirty days. But I do make it a habit of saying no more often. In doing so, I've realized who and what is important to me. I've realized which relationships to pour myself into, and what hobbies are most likely to make me feel whole and important in this world. 

This is what I've been up to the past few weeks:

I've been hanging out with this guy. Tonight was our last visit before he moves back to Vancouver. Heartbreaking, but it feels right. Sad that we won't be doing Thursday Trail Runs, and talking about our other outdoor passions. Going to miss this kid for the next two months. However, I wish him well and hope his holiday to Alaska is awesome. Well deserved, young man, well deserved. 

Trying to plow my way through 12 classic novels. For some idiotic reason, I started with Tolstoy's War and Peace. Good, but hard. 

My office life has been hectic. I spend a lot of my energy, mental and physical, there trying to stay on top of things. Training my replacement has made me realize a) I quite love my job, b) teaching makes me feel good, c) people lie. 

Going to Church and spending quiet moments with God. He knows me well, He brings me challenges, He loves me. It was Blessing of the Animals Sunday. I brought Luna. 

This painting behind me is an interpretation of my favourite Bible Verse:

What does the Lord require of you?

To act justly, love mercy, and to walk humbly with God.

-Micah 6:8

(I consider this the only option for a tattoo on my body. It resonates within my soul.)

I've been cooking. 

Hammocking with books before long runs in the evenings. 

Spending a lot of time with Luna.

Listening to music. A lot. 

Thinking of my grandma. Recently diagnosed with Cancer. 

Spending time with my family. My brother recently got back from Vancouver. He went on a fishing charter, caught Salmon and brought it back to smoke some for me! So freaking good! For him, I am thankful. 

My hermitting, as some of my friends have called it, has paid off. I now know that I require a lot of quite time, I've learned that it's important for me to be still with books, or my dog or just a cup of tea while I gaze out the window. I've learned spending time in my kitchen is good for my health. Not just my waistline, but my soul. I've learned that taking time to write letters and send care packages to my friends in far places is a wonderful thing. Charity work is important to me. Long, slow pointless walks with my girlfriends and our dogs makes me happy. Tea dates. And catch-up dinners make me whole. 

These 30 days have been hard. Saying no is not easy and is still something I have to try hard at. But I've learned saying no won't make the world stop turning. It doesn't ruin lives, but rather enriches them.  

Finding the Positive in the Negative

Highlights:

On Monday, I assembled and hung my hammock. Which I later finished a book in.
I got 2nd place in the female devision for the Charity Summer Solstice Race on Tuesday up Grey Mountain.

Wednesday I reeled in a 24" lake trout with my brother and sister in-law.   

I shot 2 handguns, 2 shotguns and a semi-automatic-machine-gun-thingy on Thursday at the shooting range with a new friend. Powerful experience. 

Friday, my lawn mower broke leaving an odd patch of grass in the middle. (makes me giggle)

Saturday I drove to Mayo with Justin to run the Mayo Marathon.

He took 2nd in the open men's half, and 3rd overall, and I took first in the female 10k.

The weekend was sunny, and I got a lot of things off my chest.  I calmly talked talked through tears and expressed my feelings to those that they involve.  Slowly, I am learning to accept that that's the way things in my past has happened and I can't change it.  Learning to deal. Not saying I am good at it, or that it's easy, but it's a step in one direction. 

Dancing in the rain remains a work in progress, but I feel this work is going to pay off. 

Life through my eyes:

 fishie!

Luna and Shannon in the boat. 

 Hand guns. 5 for 5 on the pop cans! 

Local fishing hole. Beauty.

 Justin is in the blue.

If this does not make you laugh, I don't know what will.

P.s My neighbours have immaculate yards.  

Luna. Front and centre. Mostly missing brain cells...

*Side note:

I've been encouraged to write a comically-honest day-by-day, "what to expect when you've been broken up with" book/blog. My friend says it would be a hit. I promise you, it would be nothing like he's just not that into you, because that was a brutal book, and no person who has recently been dumped should read that book. Maybe no person should ever read that book. 

It should probably include the times I was bawling uncontrollably in the fetal position on my kitchen floor while trying to make "dinner," and my roommate thought I was strange/dying. (Which he has now gotten accustom to.) Or that time I only needed toilet paper and bananas so I went to the store and bananas reminded me of him so I sat on the floor and cried in aisle 3 in the grocery store when I couldn't control myself. (I chose three because it was the aisle with random birdseed, matches and take out plates--nobody goes down it.) Explain that to the aisle attendants just wanting to refill the pet food. Or the time my dad walked in to my office and I was crying and he asked what was wrong and I said, "It just hurts everywhere" but it probably sounded more like, "mommmmpphhmhhmmphhaaaaarrrrrrr" and he thought I hurt myself again... "No, dad my heart"..."nnnoppmmyydddddmmmmmoorrrrrrttt" Poor guy walked into a bomb. 

Looking back: Not humorous yet, as I still cry at random, often. But someday, when my heart has mended, I will laugh. And you can too, because you've been there, and it is a beautiful thing. In a sick and fucked up way. 

Thoughts? 

Meanwhile, happy dancing.