Growth. Change. Repeat.

Without struggle there is no growth. This goes for any type of struggle, whether its a ruptured tendon, a broken heart, or a mental barrier that interferes with your day, it is the process of getting through it that makes you who you are.

I feel like I am constantly struggling, struggling to figure out who I am and what I want. Struggling to get where I am going. Struggling to understand this wild world.

A teacher once told me, "The average person changes their career seven times throughout their life." I am definitely one of those. At first I thought this was okay, that I was continuously growing and open minded; but it has turned out to be more like I don't know who I am and how to be satisfied with my choices.  I wondered if this could be some type of side effect or symptom of my depression.

I recently withdrew my seat in culinary arts for January. It’s not that that’s not what I want to do anymore - I am afraid I will spend my life chasing happiness. (Yes, we have to fight to be happy, and happiness is a worth it. But at times, I wonder if I am just running.)

I’m smart. I like to work hard. I like projects and to problem solve. I need to be challeneged. I love helping people. I like to teach and to motivate people.  I like being part of a team.

However, I don’t want to teach math or science to kids that would rather be elsewhere, as I once thought I did. I don’t want to instruct people on how to do a burpee, or lead an hour-long step class anymore. Nor do I want to be an exercise physiologist like I did fresh out of high school. Though these are all highly interesting fields and paths. I just need more. More of what, though? 

In reality I think baking cupcakes and decorating wedding cakes will only satisfy my love for creating and I will have this gaping hole - the cooperate world – leering at me. I am afraid I will bake for a few years, and want to return to the world of finance. I will have to start at the bottom of the chain all over again. I do love my job in accounting, and the finance world.  

You see? I am stuck. I’ve been down this road more than once. I should know what to do as it is a familiar place, but this time I am lost.

Until I figure it out, I’ve decided it’s best to wait. Wait it out like we wait out the rain.