My Life Is A Monstrosity

I feel discouraged and defeated more often than not. Maybe one could go as far as saying lost and without a sense of purpose. A good friend of mine once wrote that they them self felt like, “A lone spectator in an empty stadium,” which is often how I feel about my self, I just didn't have the words to describe that feeling of emptiness and despair. I also feel like God forgets about me, or puts me last in line, which is an awful thing to think. I know it is not true, but a lot of the time it feels like it. I try to think that He is busy with other people’s problems, as most of the time, my problems are petty. My life is so boring that I allow my petty problems to become big (i.e. My sewing machine fail) and then it overwhelms me when life does get messy.

I also feel that life isn’t fair. I wonder why awful people never have awful things happen to them. Why someone like me has usually shitty luck? It doesn’t make sense. One of my best friends wants to have a child so badly but she’s had three miscarriages… There are crack addicts and heroin addicts out there who keep getting pregnant and their babies are apprehended at birth each time… Where is the logic in that? Anything that can go wrong with me will. I’ve accepted that, but it’s tiring and often too much to handle. I have told God I can’t handle it, or that I could at the very least use a break even for a shot while. I look at other people and think, “Wow. They’ve really got their shit together, when will I?” I must be doing something wrong, or so I am lead to believe. I feel like I am not giving and doing enough, for God, my friends, my family, our community, I simply feel like I can’t do enough and it’s breaking me. I am exhausted. I am sick. I need to take a step back, but can’t. It feels like if I take a step back, I am being selfish. Selfishness is ugly. I don't want to be ugly.

It’s a dark world out there and it’s filled with some awful people. Simply put, I try my best to keep my chin up the best I can, and look to the one that knows me best, God. I am in need of His Grace.