boiled over

As you already know I haven't been sleeping that much these days. I've always struggled with sleep, but never anything like this. Last night I got about an hour and a half of sleep. When I woke up at 1:30am I had immediate feelings anxiety and no sense of control. I can control everything else in life except for the ability to sleep and it troubles me. Recently I have developed a fear that I will die from this, (it is possible I looked it up) I will either crash my car because I am so tired, or my body will shut down completely, neither one is a good way to make my exit from this crazy world.

So at 2am, while I was sitting outside on the deck in my camping chair wrapped up in my blanket waiting for the sunrise, I made a list of all the things that could possibly be keeping me awake. I do have a lot on my mind but nothing out of the ordinary, or so I thought. I have a mortgage (yikes!), a dog that drives me crazy some days, an ex-boyfriend that I am still crazy about. As ridiculous as it may sound I think I am going through my mid-life crisis early; time is slipping by so fast these days and I am worried I won’t be able to get as much pleasure out of life as I want to.

Making the list didn't help.

The point of this entry is to tell you this: I had a meeting with a doctor today, which I have been dreading for the last few weeks. The thought of talking with a complete stranger about my life's problems made me feel vulnerable and broken; almost like I was incapable of fixing myself or that I had become an inadequate human being. I was expecting to get a lecture on how I am going about life all wrong or told that I am crazy and I needed medication or that I should be locked in a padded room for the rest of my life. When I first learned about this appointment, I had no idea what I would talk about; I thought I would have nothing to say. I was also worried about what they might ask me and what I would have inside of me to reveal. I was afraid of the things we would find, what if I was in fact crazy? Turns out I am normal. Thank you God!

She barely said a word to me and I broke down, ugly cried right there in her office, I don’t know why it just happened. I talked nearly the entire time; she sat there agreeably encouraging me to continue with my thoughts. My inner pot of emotions was brought to a rapid boil and spilled all over the carpet. I felt naked and scared, but at the same time, safe.

This was by far the most bizarre hour of my life. I have to go back again and probably again after that. As I sit here writing this, I feel many different emotions, but mostly fear of what I am going to discover. I know that this is the road to a successful eight hours of sleep, after all that is my goal, but that one short hour was very hard. I am not sure what I am supposed to be feeling right now, but I can tell you that I feel really alone and could use a cup of coffee with a good friend, and maybe even a beach walk or a kite flying session.