Two Seven

My twenty-seventh birthday is right around the corner. I’ve spent some time, maybe too much time, reflecting on this last year and the major life changes I have made; some were for the better, some for the worse. I’ve thought about what I would have done differently had I been faced with the same situations again. Taking a moment to remember the lessons learned - the ever so lovely “ah-ha!” moments as Oprah would call them. I have learned a lot about myself and others, turns out I am not very patient and I am not too passionate about people; yet, I’ve made many new friends along the way. I gave what I thought was my all to love and lost it, I watched it slip slowly through my fingers like grains of sand. For some reason still unbeknownst to me I didn’t try very hard to stop it.

I am also questioning what place in the journey of life I am in. Is it the beginning, the middle, or the end? How many trials and tribulations will cross my path this year, and how many more tests of faith will I be faced with? His plan for me is as clear as mud. Befuddlement and uncertainty are things I often feel when I sit and try to figure it all out. I am not entirely convinced we are supposed to try and figure it out nor do I think we should just go with the flow either. I do know He is there guiding me always, but sometimes it feels like He has taken a couple steps back as if to watch me make my own path without His grace. I do know at this point, I am lost and unsure of where I am supposed to be going, let alone know where I want to go. I have a lot of conflicted thoughts in my head and sorting them out is a full-time job. Thankfully with a lot of help, I do believe I’ve grown the most in this last year.

Looking ahead and contemplating what could be next. I wonder if this is the year I find love. I would like to find real Love, the kind of love that deserves a capital “L”. It would be nice to feel so much love for another person that it inspires me, takes a hold of me and changes how I see the world. I want a love so profound it makes everything else seem mundane and unimportant; I want indescribable feelings of joy when I wake up next to them. I often wonder if I have built love up to be something it is not or something bigger than it actually is. Maybe the type of love I dream about is unattainable or unrealistic. Is it really probable for two complete strangers to meet and fall in love, share the exact feelings of passion and obsession for each other? To both love each other equally forever and for always? In my experience, not that I have a lot of it, love has either been unrequited or slowly fades after time.

Needless to say wherever next year takes me, I am grateful for everything and everyone I have in this life. Compared to the majority of people, my life is and always has been a walk in the park. However we all have some sort of demon or skeleton in our closet that will haunt us from time to time.