LOST: Best Friend. If found, please call...

I've resurrected the following post from my other blog site... I know there is a way to import/export blogs but I am not that tech savvy. I wrote this in March of 2009. I can tell you that I still think of her daily and feel the urge to call or write when something exciting happens. I had to delete her from facebook as it hurt so much to watch her move on and leave me behind. I am just so very grateful to have been her best friend. You're still very much missed Lara-Rae, and I wish you all the best. Xoxo


I lost my best friend today.

I’ll take you back to the day it started. It is Monday, I sent her an e-mail telling her about my weekend and asking her about hers, our usual. I told her that I missed her, and couldn’t wait to walk with her and her dog and then have tea with her on Wednesday. Wednesday was our day. Within minutes, she had replied with this long and very detailed e-mail, none of it about her weekend but all of it depicting how she couldn’t be my friend any longer. It felt like the world’s largest pail of frozen water had just smashed into my stomach knocking the wind out of me. There is no other words to describe my body’s reaction to this other than that I could feel my heart rate begin to slow to a dull ache, like it was about to evaporate, my hands began to tremble, and tears poured out of me like a watercourse. I was scared, and now without my best friend.

I had lost my best friend through e-mail, before I even had a cup of coffee. I had lost my best friend before the majority of people even got out of bed. For a long while I sat and read and reread her e-mail hoping each time there was something I had missed, something more I could figure out. There was nothing.

After wiping the tears away and closing my office door, I dialed her number and hung up over five times before I finally had the courage to let it ring long enough so she could answer. I felt terrified to talk to her, but at the same time I wanted nothing more than to hear her voice on the other end. I wanted to crawl through the phone and hug her and never let go. When she finally answered the phone she told me she didn’t have time for me and had to go, which was untrue, we both have the most undemanding jobs on the planet.

I was in denial, this couldn’t be happening, we are best friends, nearly sisters. We used to talk for hours about everything and anything. Often we had talked so much, and knew so much about each other that it was comfortable just sitting in silence. We took cooking lessons together, we quilted, we went snowshoeing and snowboarding, we scrapbooked, knitted, and hosted dinner parties. You name it, we did it together. Our boyfriends were best friends. I loved that woman, I wanted to be just like her. When I was faced with something difficult I asked myself, what would she do, how would Lara go about this? It was only last week that we laughed so hard we cried, it was just over a month ago we laid in bed all day spooning because she was having a bad day. We wiped each other’s tears, now she wasn’t here to wipe mine.

Today, for her sake, I have to let her go. I love her and only want the best for her. If this is what she wants, I will give her the respect she deserves, and I will sadly walk away. It is not going to be easy. I can tell you that I will pick up the phone a hundred times a day and dial her number just to hang up before I press send. I will write a million more e-mails but delete them all before pressing post. I will stalk her facebook page until one of us deletes the other just to make sure she is still doing okay. I can guarantee I will forever ask our friends how she is doing. I will cry many tears of sorrow, but still smile at all the wonderful things we’ve experienced together. If I could have one more cup of tea with Lara, I would tell her what a beautiful person she is, and how much I love her. I’d tell her that I will never forget her and I will think of her always.

Whatever she does and wherever she goes, she'll always remain in my heart. I am who I am because of her.