Violent Silence

Lately, I can't seem to stop thinking about James, and what he did to me. Recently, I had to go back into that park for work. They are trying to clean it up for Arts in The Park this summer; I wish they would get rid of it, build another condo or something, anything other than that reminder.

I cannot begin to describe how frightened I felt standing there trying to focus on work with these horrible images replaying in the back of my mind. I felt a million different things in those brief moments, sadly none of them positive.

For the last few months I’ve been trying to write about it and get it all out to help me deal with this pain, but when I do, I break down instantly and get nowhere. It has been just over a year now, but to me it really feels like last week. They said that it would be hard and it would take some time; they gave me a lot of advice, most of it was really good and has helped. However, I still don't want to see a movie that is playing at the move theatre across the street, nor do I care for a cappuccino from The Java Connection, and I’ve changed my hairdresser so I would have to go down that road less often.

I am left wondering when this is all going to change, if ever. Sometimes this whole mess makes me hate God, which I know I shouldn’t say that, but there, I said it. He knows what I mean. I am confused by this; I am not sure why he has chosen this path for me, or what lessons I am supposed to be learning.